Happy Holidays!

I saw these cute cards yesterday and bought some. This weekend I'm making out Christmas cards and setting up and decorating my little Christmas tree. I'm not going to any parties this year due to anxiety and remnants of depression. I'm doing better, but my life hasn't snapped back into place. It takes time folks. I don't' do well with large groups of people these days.

This weekend I'll light a candle and say a prayer for the friends and family of Jeri Suzanne Horne (Liquid Illuzion). It's hard to believe that it's been two years since we lost her.

Rochester will soon break the record for the most snow in December. The record is 46.2 inches (1.17 meters). We are less than 2" away! I guess I'll soon be using a dog sled to get around. Mush!

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas to ALL and to ALL a good night!

.

What's That Song? (LIQUID ILLUZION)

I heard a song playing in the supermarket the other day. It was familiar, yet not enough that I knew all the words. I stopped dead in my tracks as I tried to remember where I heard it, and what significance it had. Then it hit me. A smile came to my face. It was a song from LIQUID ILLUZION'S Playlist that she use to have on her blog. I listened to the song with a broad smile on my face. For a moment it seemed that she was listening too.

.

Suzanne's blog use to be a refuge for me. I slept very little in those days, filled with depression and anxiety. For some reason it gave me comfort to listen to her Playlist while reading a post or two. I felt accepted, and welcomed by her. Little did I know that she was suffering great inner turmoil, and was depressed too. I'm grateful that I had a chance to know her a bit. I'm grateful to her for allowing me to hang out at her blog, and for sharing her life. For being a comfort to me, although she never knew it. I wish I had the time to get to know her better.

.

The song was Paper Airplanes by Rosie Thomas. <-- Click to hear it on Playlist.

i wish he could see
how beautiful he is to me
i wish i could stay out of his way
but thats much too hard for me

i wish we could fly away
on a paper airplane

he tells me everything
calls me his martin luther king
says he's good at running far

i tell him everything
call him by the wrong name
say i'm good at chasing stars

i wish we could fly away
on a paper airplane
i wish we could fly away
on a paper airplane

And thank you Amias for keeping your good friends' blog open, and maintaining it so well. And sharing her with others.

Please pray for Liquid illuzion's family (Jeri Suzanne Horne)

This Christmas Eve will mark the first anniversary of the suicide of Liquid illuzion. Please say a prayer (or send good vibes) for her family and friends, especially her children. I'm sure that Christmas will never be the same for them.

-----------

Frozen in Time by Awake in Rochester

Last Photograph

Last poem

Last words

Last post

Last phone call

Last Christmas cards sent

Last kiss

Last words to children

All frozen in time

Forever 42

Bits & pieces, scraps, I try to glean from you.

You thoughts on paper try to understand.

You photographs I beg for.

Why?

Why did you have to go?

I try to understand.

Your spirit occasionally I can connect.

But you can not speak words to me in present.

I think it's a crime.

Forever frozen in time.

"For we see now through a dim window obscurely, but then face to face..." 1 Cor. 13:12

photo credit

Song - Last Resort by Papa Roach

I find an odd comfort in relating with those who understand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3soskkvYBgM

Personal Update - Depression is Worse

I've spared you. ;) I've written half a dozen post drafts pertaining to depression, and suicide. I knew that I couldn't post them because I would lose some of my readers, but I have a lot on my mind and heart these days. I just want to share a little of it with you.

I wrote a very frank letter to Liquid Illuzion. For those of you who didn't know her, she was a loving, talented, caring person, who was bi-polar, and sadly took her life. I miss her. I wrote the letter because I thought she was one of the few people who could understand where I'm at. I probably won't post the letter because it is brutally honest, and might be hurtful to her friends and family. However, the process of writing the letter was positive for me. I cried like a baby and got a lot out that I haven't been able to express to anyone else. (Funny, I thought I was all cried out.) I really feel that she's been with me lately.

So how am I? The depression has been noticeably worse in recent months, and certain unhealthy thought come to my mind to often. This isn't good for several reasons bedsides the obvious. 1) I often am unaware that I'm in depression because it has become my norm. So when I'm aware of it, that means I've entered into a deeper stage of depression. 2) Usually in summer the depression decreases. Winter is my most difficult season because I have winter depression on top of the regular depression. That makes me wonder if I'll make it thought this winter, if things continue.

Life if now a constant struggle. It's exhausting! Life is one huge unsolvable problem. I feel so hurt, like I'm bleeding inside. I feel like a burden to those who have tried to help me. Frankly, I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm no good for anyone, especially myself. The person that I've become is someone that I don't recognize anymore. Well, that's just a small fraction of the stuff that I've wanted to post, but you get the picture.

I went to the Health Department for food stamps, and such. I mentioned the depression, and they are sending me to a shrink for evaluation. This ought to be interesting. As you know, I don't have much faith in shrinks because I knew two crazy counselors. I figure that If those counselors with all their knowledge can't help themselves, than how can any counselor help me? Who knows? This might just be a quick evaluation to satisfy the health department and that's all. So I'll jump though their hoop. I'll give you an update if it's worth mentioning.

Related Posts: This Isn't Me and, I can't do this anymore...

Photo credit

Wordless Wednesday - Liquid

Wish I could talk with you. I think you would understand. Not many can. (I'm referring to depression & suicide issues)


Photo of Liquid Illuzion, photo credit - Writing in Faith (Sandy Carlson)

Friday Funnies - Out On A Rope....

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men

and

1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,

so they decided that one had to leave,

because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person,

until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,

because,

as a

woman,

she was used to giving up everything

for her husband and kids

or for

men

in general,

and was used to always making sacrifices

with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,

all 10 men started

CLAPPING!

Another funny from the blog of Liquid illuzion 10.11.2008
wish we could talk

Friday Funnies - Arrrrrgh...

(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door, at pet nose height.)

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.

I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.

If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.

I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.

I cannot stress this enough!

Thank you,

Mom
---------------------

a LIQUID ILLUZION post

Wordless Wednesday - Do You Know What This Is?

This photo was found on the blog of Liquid illuzion

Leesa's Tribute to Liquid illuzion

I've been reading several tributes to Liquid (Suzanne) since her passing. A few are exceptionally good. Leesa's is one of them. What touched me most was her sincerity, thoughtfulness, and how she was touched by Liquid's death.

One of her paragraphs has been running through my head for the last 24 hours. It made me think...."Anyway, I read somewhere that we die twice. Once when we actually die, and another time when no one left on Earth remembers us. Suzanne died on December 24^th. Her family and friends, who are understandably still hurting from her actions, will remember her for a long time to come. The pain will slowly diminish, and they will remember some of the better times, the times when Suzanne made them smile."... I can't help but wonder how long I will be remembered, and in what way. .

You can read "Leesa's Stories" lovely tribute by clicking here.

For more Tributes click here.

The picture is one of my favorites of Suzanne's photographs. Click here to see more.

DEAR MOM...

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Posted by Liquid illuzion on 7-09-2007

Prayer Request for Suzanne's (Liquid's) Family

At The Prayer Hubs Amias is asking prayers for Suzanne's ( Liquid's) Family. Father Jerry, mother Betty, daughter Bella, and son Campbell. Amias received an e-mail saying, that "Bella's grades are dropping badly, and that she is taking it harder then anyone. They are all going through a difficult time, as you can well imagine. Please pray for them. Here are some prays you can say if you can't think of any offhand.

No need to comment. Please just pray, or send good thoughts/vibes.

Thank You!

Painting "The Journey Home" by Tracy Jo (Memory of Liquid)

"The Journey Home" by Tracy Jo

This post is dedicated to the memory of Jeri Suzanne Horne (Liquid illuzion) This painting was done by my blog buddy, and talented artist Tracy Jo Tibbetts. Her beautiful painting reminds me of Liquid. Please visit the blog of Tracy Jo by clicking here.

Prayers, Poems, For Bereavement

As most of you who have been reading this blog know, Jeri Suzanne Horne a.k.a. Liquid illuzion passed away. I thought that I'd post a few prayers. Click on the first few words of the pray for the links.There are also more prayers, poems, and also links about grief at the bottom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Poem) Death is nothing at all -

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
[There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident?]
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.

All is well.
(Canon Henry Scott Holland of St. Paul's Cathedral)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prayers For Bereavement
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O merciful Father, who taught us in your holy Word that you would not willingly affict us, look with pity upon the sorrows of (name) for whom our prayers are offered. Remember her/him, O Lord, in mercy, nourish her/his soul with patience, comfort her/him with a sense of your goodness, lift up your countenance upon her/him, and give her/him peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Jesus, who wept at the death of your friend
and taught that they who mourn shall be comforted,
grant us the comfort of your presence in our loss.
Send Your Holy Spirit to direct us
lest we make hasty or foolish decisions.
Send Your Spirit to give us courage
lest through fear we recoil from living.
Send Your Spirit to bring us your peace
lest bitterness, false guilt, or regret take root in our hearts.

The Lord has given.
The Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WE GIVE THEM back to you, dear Lord, who gave them to us.
Yet as you do not lose them in giving, so we have not lost them by their return.
Not as the world gives do you give, O Lover of souls. What you gave you do not take away; for what is ours is ours always, if we are yours. And life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only an horizon, and an horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
Lift us, strong Son of God, that we may see farther.
Cleanse our eyes that we may see more clearly.
Draw us closer to yourself that we may know ourselves nearer to them.
And while you are preparing a place for us, prepare us for that happy place, that
where they are and you are, we too may be; through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaddish -The prayer extolling God that is said by mourners. (Jewish)


Glorified and sanctified be God's great name throughout the world which He has created according to His will. May He establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days, and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon; and say, Amen.

May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.

Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, adored and lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be He, beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.

May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us
and for all Israel; and say, Amen.

He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poem-

The season of mourning,
like spring, summer,
fall and winter,
will also pass.

- Molly Fumia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lord's Prayer click here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Rosary click here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Bereavement Sites: Prayers, Poems & Coping with Grief -

In Loving Memory with thanksgiving

Sadly Missed.com

Self-Healing Expressions- Sympathy Poems and Quotes

Mayo Clinic- Survivors of suicide: Healing after a loved one's suicide

Coping with Grief and Loss:

Coping with Grief

For more posts about Jeri Suzanne Horne, go to the cloud tag below and click on "LIQUID ILLUZION"

Friday Funnies: Dear Darling...

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it is not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife

P.S. OH.......AND, YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!

From the Blog of Liquid illuzion posted on 10-13-07

Reach out. Listen. by DrowseyMonkey

I want to thank my guest for this insightful post. Funny, or serious, she writes from her heart is very sincere. So please make sure to visit. DrowseyMonkey !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Awake in Rochester and I have been chatting a bit since her post Immersed in Liquid where she spoke of the recent suicide of Suzanne, someone she met through blogging.

In my comment on that post I mentioned that I volunteer on a crisis/help line. I've been doing that for about 6 years now. During that time most people who've called are not in the process of suicide but many do want to talk about it. Sometimes they feel it's an option for them and quite often it's something they've attempted in the past.

Suicide is a very complex issue and I am in no way an expert on the subject. What we do where I volunteer is listen. It may sound easy and rather passive but the reality is listening is not that easy to do especially when you're listening to someone in physical or emotional pain.

Think of conversations you've had recently - chances are there was a lot of talking but not a lot of listening. This, of course, is perfectly normal and it's how we interact socially.

Now think of a time someone told you they felt sad or that their life wasn't fulfilling. Chances are you reacted like most of us and you tried to cheer them up, told them about all the positive things in their life. It's a normal response.

What we're taught to do on the crisis line is to listen to a person's pain. Not try and convince them their life is good or that they're over-reacting ... rather we listen respectfully and without judgment.

Listening to someone talk and asking open-ended questions allows them the time to move through their feelings. Suicide has such a stigma in our society that very few of us talk about it. So allowing someone the space to do this can be very helpful for them. Often people realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation and they are then able to decide for themselves that suicide is not the right choice for them at this time.

Being the listener can seem rather passive at times which is one of the reasons it's so hard for most of us. We want to save people. Tell them how great they are and how great their life is. Of course we do! But when someone is really depressed that kind of conversation may make them feel like you're not listening to them. Which is actually the opposite of how you want them to feel.

When someone does die by suicide I think the hardest thing for everyone left behind is the feeling that they could have done something to make a difference. That if only I had done "this" or "that" the person would still be alive.

There are situations when suicide is a little easier to understand, for example when someone is suffering from a physical illness and their quality of life is deteriorating. It's still a difficult situation but most people empathize with someone in that type of situation. It's more difficult to understand why someone who seems perfectly healthy on the outside chooses suicide.

Someone I knew died by suicide last Fall. It was someone who had attempted before but in the past had reached out for help. This time they chose not to reach out. It was so hard to accept at first but ultimately I came to the realization that it was their choice. They knew where to call for help but chose not to and I have to respect that decision and move forward.

That may sound a bit detached or harsh, but it's not. It certainly hasn't been easy moving on, but with the help of others I'm doing that. Talking about how you feel is always important and I have a great group of people in my life who listen and give support. It works both ways of course because many in my life also knew the person who died and they're grieving as well.

As I said earlier, I'm certainly not an expert ... but there are lots of great places to get more information. One organization I really recommend is Living Works. I hope you check out their website there's so much there plus they also run workshops in many places around the world in the hopes of making communities "suicide-safer".

If you're thinking of suicide reach out to someone. Isolation increases thoughts of suicide. The thoughts are normal so don't be afraid to talk to someone about them. If there's no one you can talk to then call a crisis or suicide hotline, most communities have them. Don't keep your thoughts to yourself. Talking really helps and keeping it inside makes things worse.

If you're grieving the loss of a loved one by suicide ... again reach out and talk to someone. If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone you know call a crisis or help line ... that's what they're there for.

Check your local community for numbers to call, or check Befrienders Worldwide. They have a great list of organizations available around the world.

Reach out. Listen.

Frozen in time

Last Photograph
Last poem
Last words
Last post
Last phone call
Last Christmas cards sent
Last kiss
Last words to children
All frozen in time
Forever 42
Bits & pieces, scraps, I try to glean from you
You thoughts on paper try to understand
You photographs I beg for
Why? Why did you have to go?
I try to understand
Your spirit occasionally I can connect
But you can not speak words to me in present
I think it's a crime
Forever frozen in time


"For we see now through a dim window obscurely, but then face to face..." 1 Cor. 13:12


Photo from the blog of Liquid illuzion

Repost - Grey's Anatomy: Lesbian Kiss, and Suicide

Grey's Anatomy - Lesbian Storyline


Due to the suicide of Jeri Suzanne Horne (Liquid Illuzion), I have asked someone to guest post about suicide. I'm crossing my fingers that they will. Meanwhile, I am reposting the only post that I have on the subject. I have added some links at the end. Obviously, I'm barely touching on the subject. I'm so glad that Liquid had/has a good sense of humor, because this post is an odd mixture.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Sept.19, 2008

Did you see the Grey's Anatomy season final? If you didn't, don't worry, I won't revel a great deal here. Just my favorite, and lest favorite scenes.

My favorite scene was the kiss between Erica Hahn, and Callie Torres. (I'm predictable, ha?) I think Torres is hot!

My least favorite scene was between Meredith, and her shrink. Meredith had a revelation, and realized that when her mother cut her wrist it was to get attention. After all she was a "excellent surgical nurse", and would have cut her -----, if she meant it. I hate that scene for several reasons.

1) If someone tries to commit suicide they are not in a rational state of mind, and they might try to kill themselves by any means. It might not be the most logic means. It should be seen as a serious attempt, and not just an attention getter.

2) They mention a more effective way to commit suicide then cutting wrists. I hate that! I don't want to mention it. Oh, I knew it before, but someone not so familiar with anatomy and who saw the program might not have considered it. It might have given someone who is suicidal a deadly idea. You've heard of copy cat murders? Well, I'm sure that there are copy cat suicides. Well, at least Meredith didn't point to the area.

Did you know that the suicide rate in the U.S. is twice as large as the homicide rate? (There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides to one completion.) It is hidden, a stigma is still attached. I mean, when is the last time you read the obits, and saw that someone committed suicide? It's all swept under the rug.

From Medline Plus

"Suicide is the eleventh most common cause of death in the United States. People may consider suicide when they are hopeless and can't see any other solution to their problems. Often it's related to serious depression, alcohol or substance abuse, or a major stressful event.

People who have the highest risk of suicide are white men, though women and teens report more suicide attempts. If someone talks about suicide, you should take it seriously. Urge them to get help from their doctor or the emergency room, or call 911.

Therapy and medicines can help most people who have suicidal thoughts. Treating mental illnesses and substance abuse can reduce the risk of suicide.

From National Institute of Mental Health"

National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

CDC Suicide Prevention Information.

More from Medline Plus on Suicide

Note: I want to thank Suzanne's family for being open about her suicide so that people can have a conversation, and possibly become more informed.

Oh SHIT! Where'd my net go?

Friday Funnies - Dear Abby

This joke is a bit dated, but a good one...

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke {{{{whatever}}}} while cruising around and "bull shiting" with his buddies,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed:
Clueless

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Clueless:

Put on your "Big" girl panites and
Grow up!
Dump him!

Good grief woman!

You don't need him anymore!

{{{DUH}}}

You're a Senator from New York,

AND...

you're running for President of the United States!
It is "HIGH TIME", you begin to act like it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This joke is from.... I'll give you 3 guesses...the blog of Liquid Illuzion. Please visit her. She has some hilarious posts! "Liquid isn't here right now, but please leave a message at the sound of the beep & she'll get back to you... EVENTUALLY ...Beep!."

The idea for this "Friday Funnies" series has been stolen from Momma Mia, Mea Culpa So please visit her before she sues me. ;)