Thursday, March 26, 2009

I can't do this anymore...

I can't do this anymore. I can't see another person die. Another person dead. I can't see suffering. I'm used up and useless. I've seen so many dead bodies in my life time as a nursing assistant. I just can't. I can't anymore. I've felt this way ever since my 3 relatives died, 3 in a row. Especially my father. I just can't do my work anymore. My relatives don't understand. My not having work is a symptom, not a cause. I just can't do this work anymore.

Tonight I saw an old woman die on Gray's Anatomy, and I cried. I cried uncontrollably. She looked like one of my old patients, but I couldn't remember which one.

How many dead bodies have I seen? I don't know. How many people have I watched suffer? I don't know. It's been over 20 years now. I just can't do this anymore. I just can't. This is nothing new. I know this, but I bury it inside. Bury it till I forget. My family probably thinks that I'm lazy, but I just can't handle what I use to be able to handle. I just can't take it anymore. That's why I probably have panic attacks sometimes before I go into work. That's why I'm not looking very hard for a full time facility job. I've had my fill. I'm imploding and no one gets it. No more dead bodies! No more dead people! Please God! No more suffering! God, can't you hear me? How long on this merry-go-round must I ride? This merry-go-round from hell?

What can I do if I don't work as a nursing assistant? I don't know anything else but taking care of the sick and dying. This is all I know, but I just can't. I can't do this anymore. Why can't you hear me God? It's been so long. I've been paralyzed inside. Imploding slowly in silence. I don't know who I am anymore. I've become this person who just can't handle life.

17 comments:

twofinches said...

Awake
Imploding is a hard thing to handle. But I assure you that God can hear you. Often times He speaks but we are too frantic to listen, too paniced to find peace enough to hear. Cloister yourself away from prying eyes and others opinions. You will find an anchoring spot.

I have never been with a person who died. I can imagine that it is profoundly moving. And I believe you when you say that you cannot do it anymore. This does not make you lazy. It makes you honest. Trust what you know to be true. The rest of the haze will take care of itself.

Amias said...

Trust yourself, believe in you .. and take a chance on something new.

I used to think picking cotton was hard, until I worked with politicians.

Tracy said...

Seeing someone die would be emotionally draining! I can not imagine seeing so many die, and not be a emotional mess. Trust yourself Awake. That instinct deep inside of you that tells you what you are able to handle and what you can not handle is God's voice telling you it is time to switch jobs. Often times we ignore that voice. Trust in him with all your heart, and he will get you through this trying time. He will also help you find another job that is more suited for you.

When i get this way, feeling so alone, I sit still. I quiet my soul, and sit with God. I find myself always feeling better when i do this.

You are in my thoughts and prayers my friend.

Nulaanne said...

You know that I have the same job as you do, but you don't know that when I started out I worked in the place where my Grandmother died. Then just a few years ago both my parents died and I now work in the hospital that my mother died in, and on the same floor.

That said I think you are looking at death in the wrong light. I was always taught that death is not the end but just another step in our journey. I know that it is not easy and that having someone to talk about what you are going throught helps. I have a group of friends who are nurses and we all got together twice a month, that does help.

Good luck on you venture if you decide to change careers.

Tammy said...

I'm sure you will be able to find something that makes you happy. If your work stresses you out then you should definitely not be doing it. Take care!

Mike Golch said...

I can relate to the imploding.when I was a corrections office I felt the inploding feeling quite well,unfortunaly I reacted to this is a way the was leading to a extremely destructive path.Something inside of me snapped,and the thoughts of "going postal"had me on a one way road to hell.Fortunale for me instead of acting on what I was planning I let some know what was going on and my Dr.at the time told me to find out if the department had a disabilty retirement provision,they did and I took it.

S'onnie said...

I think that realising you can't do the job you have done is a big step and while it seems such a scary big thing to look and wonder what is next, your faith and your friends are with you

Try and think about this as an opportunity to rewrite the direction of your life and find a job that inspires you so much that you love getting out of bed.

I know its a difficult time and I know that you can get through this and find the light on the other side

good luck :)

LadyBanana said...

I really wish you could find something to do that you enjoy, something that would make you happy and fulfilled :)

Babs (Beetle) said...

Awake, I remember suggesting, a while back, that as you were lacking work, it might be a good idea to take a fill-in job that was not nursing. That may well have been a word from God. Maybe it is time for new beginnings for you. Not everything in our lives is meant to be permanent.

Most importantly, God does not want us troubled or stressed. He wants us to be happy. Take some time alone and listen to the inner voice.

L'uragano (The Hurricane) said...

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. It's perfectly understandable from a nurse's standpoint as well as a human's standpoint. I'm sorry your family is attacking you---sometimes that's how our birth family is. How about peds? Can you transfer to that if you still love nursing?Maybe seeing new beginnings might help alleviate your soul's ache.
Or do something else...but you know you and you're saying enough is enough.
good luck

Just Be Real said...

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Imploding slowly is not a fun thing. Thank you for sharing from the bottom of your heart. Do pray things will improve for you. Blessings.

meleah rebeccah said...

If you cant handle it anymore, DONT do it anymore. Unfortunately, I cant give you any suggestions as to what to do for future employment.

Propane Amy said...

New reader here. I really can't offer any great advice for you. but what i can say is it's time for you to get out and you , of course, already know that. Could you try a dr's office? Or maybe a nursery? That is if you want to stay in the medical field.

i can't imagine what you go thru. I commend you for enduring it this long. Hang in there!!

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your comments, and for caring! At lest someone is hearing me. Most of my family doesn't get it. They think that I should toughen up and just do it, and don't seem to understand that this is linked to depression. It's a difficult thing. I'm trying to figure things out - my career. There isn't many openings in peds for nursing assistants, and lots of competition. There are very few doctor office jobs, and most go to medical assistants or LPNs. I'm not sure what to do, but I hope that I find a positive change. Thanks for listening & caring!

kellypea said...

I know I couldn't do what you've spent 20 years doing. I think you've given enough of yourself and there is something else out there. Stop listening to people who tell you to suck it up. Some people can't see beyond the nose on the end of their face and so they expect the rest of us are the same. It's been two years and I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm having a good time trying to figure it out. I've got a star in my night sky with your name on it.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

I always saw death as the end of pain and the ascention to light. This first part of our existance is just a test. Where we learn who we are and how we react to things. We all choose many directions (right and some wrong), but the only meaningful choice is accepting the Lord.

thewishfulwriter said...

I'm sorry I'm just now catching up and commenting - but I wanted to tell you I get it. I know how hard it is to feel like your family doesn't get you. Trust me, I know. At the end of the day, regardless of how they feel or what they think, you have to do what's best for YOU. Only then will you find peace. It's something I keep telling myself as well. Hang in there!