Friday, March 6, 2009

This Isn't Me

This isn't me - Sometimes crying myself to sleep. If I'm able to sleep much at all.

This isn't me - Greeting the morning by saying "Ah shit!"

This isn't me - Occasionally having a panic attack outside of work, and having to talk to myself out loud and pray in order to be able to walk inside.

This isn't me - Sometimes going to a family gathering. Hardly saying a word, and trying not to be noticed because I feel like I will be rejected.

This isn't me - Worrying about money almost every day. Sometimes it's my first thought in the morning.

This isn't me - Sometimes feeling numb or frozen, other times feeling intense emotional pain.

This isn't me - Sometimes canceling a job interview, or social engagement because I can't face people, or fear rejection, or feel to emotionally exhausted, or to sad.

This isn't me - Someone who needs to be supported by others, rather then support.

This isn't me - Feeling like I'm stuck in a huge pit that I can't get out of, and I'm slowly sinking further, and further down.

This isn't me. This is the depression, and anxiety in my life. It has taken over to the degree that others no longer see the real me, and sometimes I can't either. It's like being encased in a thick shell. But I'm still in here, deep down inside. Hoping and praying that a miracle will occur, and my life will be normal again. But I wonder if it ever will?

Disclaimer - These examples might be totally based on my experiences, or partially, or perhaps not at all.


Tammy said...

Depression sucks! I've suffered it in the past and it's horrible. Big hugs! :o)

Beetle said...

It also wasn't me who lost 10 years of her life to anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. Who lost so much weight that her family thought she had cancer! It was someone else, but I came back, as you will too!

Only you (with God's help) can do it. Ultimately, you must change your thought patterns and only you can do that. Email me if you want a chat.

Giggle Pixie said...

This has been me for at least the past year. I'm still praying it will end every day, but thus far? Not so much.

Awake In Rochester said...


Yes it does! Thank you!

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi Beetle,

I'm sorry that you went through that crap!

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi Giggle Pixie,

We have yet another thing in common even though it's not a pleasant thing. At lest we still have our sense of humor. :)

Sinnerviewer said...

I feel you.

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi Sinnerviewer,

Thank you sweety! ;)

S'onnie said...

I am so sorry that you are dealing with depresesion. I hope that as summer hits the states, the warm weather will help lift your spirits a little. I know I always feel better a little when the sun is shining.

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi S'onnie,

Thanks! Yes, I get the winter blues sometimes. Rochester has long, hard winters, but I'm not sure if this is weather related this year.

LadyBanana said...

Sorry I am so late to read this post :(

I'm really hoping you are not feeling that terrible x

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi LadyBanana,

I'm doing good today. It's just that some days are like that. I can tell that the depression is slowly getting worse. I can't wait until I get my car on the road again & look forward to spring.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

I understand ... and also believe that mind over matter is very powerful.
We start listening to the voice that says ... "I can't" "I will fail" " I am not good enough"

Tackle this head on with vigor, and say the opposite every day, all the time.

* I can do this
* I may fail, but I will always put my best efforts forward
* I AM good enough

Most of all, look in the mirror and see self love. I know you can !!!

I have faith in you :-)

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi Speedy,

Most of these things just happen "sometimes". I try to be positive. I have always made it into work when I have a panic attack. I do the positive self talk thing out loud & pray & that gets me in. But I hate going the next day because I'm afraid it will happen again. Panic attacks are not pleasant. But I am trying. Now I don't have much work, and in a way it is a relief. But the darn bills get in the way. lol

Speedcat Hollydale said...

When I said I know panic attacks ... I really do. Here is a short chapter out of my own life.

Over half a decade ago, I became sober. I know this happened with the good Lord helping me along the way. It was a drastic measure for me, as I was a party hearty kind of fellow for many years. I also knew that alcohol was creating havoc in my own life.

When I quit, I quit. Not a drop since that day. What I did not expect was the retaliation my body put up. I had panic attacks and sudden elevations in blood pressure that would rattle my core. I once even thought I was dying. I felt them coming and then fear would grab hold of me ... and so went the cycle.

I have left that stage of my life behind me now. Through faith I can honestly say something within me has changed ... or adapted might be a better word. Even on my toughest days, I look back to where I came from, and know that this too shall pass.

Now, after all this seriousness, I feel the need to be nuts and goofy like I usually am.

YHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEHE Kartwheel kartwheel wooot wooot bababababah hmmmmm da dooo doo da dooooo .... IEEEEE ohhhh he he hehehehehehehe !!!!!

Awake In Rochester said...

That's unusual for someone just to stop drinking like that. My father did that with smoking. He got rid of his pipe one day, and that was it. Amazing! ;) (Hug)

Yeeehawww Ipppy Pipppy.

twofinches said...


I have never dealt with ongoing depression so I haven't personal advice. But I have dealt with being pushed down until I didn['t recognize myself. I can tell you how important it is to remind yourself that you are still in there...maybe in a small room, maybe all bound up, but you are there. And one day something or someone will help you get back to the surface.

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi twofinches,

"One day" is taking a heck of a long time. lol

Depression has become my norm. It's to the point where sometimes I don't recognize myself as being depressed, even though most on-line tests say I'm moderately to severely depressed. Most of the time, if I don't feel like putting a gun to my head then I don't see that I'm depressed. I equate depression with suicide tendencies. So now a days, when I write a post like this, it's a good sign that I see it. I often don't.

thewishfulwriter said...

So beautifully well written. Honest and raw. I've been there and also remember thinking, "this isn't me".

I thought I'd never come out of it, but with the help of regular therapy, amazing friends and some medicine, I slowly began to feel like myself again.

Blogging is such a powerful tool - reminds us we are not alone in ANYTHING. It's really comforting sometimes.

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi thewishfulwriter,

I'm sorry that your a fellow sufferer, or was. I'm glad that you found your way out of the pit.

I'm not keen on therapy. I've blogged about it on posts. You can click on the word "therapy" in the cloud below. If you want to see. Anyways, I've been thinking that maybe I should try. I'm not getting better by myself.