Friday, August 28, 2009

Personal Update - Depression is Worse

I've spared you. ;) I've written half a dozen post drafts pertaining to depression, and suicide. I knew that I couldn't post them because I would lose some of my readers, but I have a lot on my mind and heart these days. I just want to share a little of it with you.

I wrote a very frank letter to Liquid Illuzion. For those of you who didn't know her, she was a loving, talented, caring person, who was bi-polar, and sadly took her life. I miss her. I wrote the letter because I thought she was one of the few people who could understand where I'm at. I probably won't post the letter because it is brutally honest, and might be hurtful to her friends and family. However, the process of writing the letter was positive for me. I cried like a baby and got a lot out that I haven't been able to express to anyone else. (Funny, I thought I was all cried out.) I really feel that she's been with me lately.

So how am I? The depression has been noticeably worse in recent months, and certain unhealthy thought come to my mind to often. This isn't good for several reasons bedsides the obvious. 1) I often am unaware that I'm in depression because it has become my norm. So when I'm aware of it, that means I've entered into a deeper stage of depression. 2) Usually in summer the depression decreases. Winter is my most difficult season because I have winter depression on top of the regular depression. That makes me wonder if I'll make it thought this winter, if things continue.

Life if now a constant struggle. It's exhausting! Life is one huge unsolvable problem. I feel so hurt, like I'm bleeding inside. I feel like a burden to those who have tried to help me. Frankly, I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm no good for anyone, especially myself. The person that I've become is someone that I don't recognize anymore. Well, that's just a small fraction of the stuff that I've wanted to post, but you get the picture.

I went to the Health Department for food stamps, and such. I mentioned the depression, and they are sending me to a shrink for evaluation. This ought to be interesting. As you know, I don't have much faith in shrinks because I knew two crazy counselors. I figure that If those counselors with all their knowledge can't help themselves, than how can any counselor help me? Who knows? This might just be a quick evaluation to satisfy the health department and that's all. So I'll jump though their hoop. I'll give you an update if it's worth mentioning.


Amias said...

It has took me months to get over what Suzanne did on last Christmas Eve. There are two things that pissed me off.

One; what she did and the day she did it on will live with her children forever and a day. Two; she sent me an email to call her hours before she blew her brains out, which landed me in a doctor's office for months feeling guilty because I thought if I had just checked my email I would have been able to save her. It didn't really dawn on me until much later that she had my telephone number and we talked all the time. If she wanted to say goodbye she could have gotten on the damn phone and called me! She didn't want help --- she just wanted to give up!

Life is hard for a lot of us, we live one day at a time. I have learned to live with my depression by making it my friend, but I won't allow my hardships to cause me to end my life or speak to the dead which is not around to help me, and by the way, why ask the dead for help, when they were living they could not help themselves.

I can't tell you what to do or how to feel, a lot of us living human beings understand what you are going through because we are going through it too. So what if life is hard, does that mean we stop living? So what if we have to depend on the system until we get back on our feet .. didn't we pay taxes when we were working? So what if I feel lonely, as long as I have access to a computer I will find a friend who cares. There are many, many pros to our life, but we tend to let the cons overwhelm us.

You need to get up of your ass, take a bath, be grateful that you are here even if its just for another day. If you can't make it on your own, find someone you can live with temporarily, put your stuff in the storage --- get on disability until you can get the professional help you need to heal. Cry if you want to, it is healing --- but for goodness sake, stop feeling that you are the only one going through this hell --- you are going through, you are not alone.

Let the dead stay in their grave, thinking about Suzanna is not helping you. We are alive here behind this computer screen, we hear you .. you can either let us give you what support we can -- or go on and do what you desire. But I won't allow myself to feel guilty or sit here and cry --- hell, at least you can walk!

I don't mean to hurt you, but with the situation I have been in, well your life seems brighter to me!

When you get your shit together, open a Pay Pal account and put up a PAY PAL Donation Button. Some of us can send you ten dollars from time to time .. hell, just ask. We don't have much, but we are sisters and we will help you if you stop your crying and start helping yourself.

Sending you a lot of love and positive energy --- don't let it be in vain, because I don't have any waste.

Mike Golch said...


Amias said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just Be Real said...

Dear one here sitting with you and listening.....

Yaya said...

I'm sorry you are in such depression. I hope that you are able to raise up soon. I see a counselor and she is amazing. I don't know where I would be without her.

Amias said...

Ok I see you do have a donation button up .. good.

A Stitch In Thyme said...

You talk, I'll listen. You talk until it makes you feel better, I'll wait. YOu cry if you need to, i'll hand you the kleenex. When I run out, I'll buy more.

Just talk. Who care what anyone else thinks about your writing. Keeping it in is clearly not helping you. So, just talk.

My prayers will go up for you. If you don't believe, that's okay, i'll pray anyway if it's okay. I think we all can use a few prayers if you ask me.

I have a child with bi-polar. I need you to help me help my son to believe there is hope. Do you think you help me do that? I hope so.

I'm am certain, people care about you. Believe it.

Shinade aka Jackie said...

I did not know you and Suzanne were close. Oh my she and I became very close also.

She was one of my first and dearest friends when I opened up The Veil. I loved her dearly.
I loved to visit her site and I always loved it when she came by and visited me.

I knew she was suffering greatly from reading her poetry. I still remember it so clearly in my mind the night I clicked on the link and found she was gone.

Omgosh she had an add in wait for my site...I will always remember that wonderful image with the wavy blue lines and the crazy black hair.

I will always remember ging to her site and listening to her wonderful music and all of the blue.

I too struggle everyday with depression. I also have seasonal effective disorder and slip deep into some very dark places in the winter time.

I have almost killed myself 3 times. The worst and last time lft me in a coma, on full life support for 26 hours.

My odds were 50/50 according to the DR.'S. That's what my family endured. My husband and children spent the most excruciating night of their life as I lay there lifeless. They didn't know if I would ever wake up, die, or if I did wake up...the DR.'s had warned them that I might not even know them...they would not know the extent of the brain damage until and if I woke up.

I like you was overwhelmed, depressed, I felt like a burden to my family and friends because of my problems, we too were broke, facing the loss of everything and I felt so guilty because I was not able to work.

I really really thought everyone would be much better off if I were simply gone.

But, I did wake up, and I did recognize everyone, and they all looked so very very horrible..the desperate hours of sitting by my side not knowing had nearly driven them over the edge too.

From that point on I swore to them and myself that I would get help and I did.

I have had counselor after after counselor and always found them useless too. But, for the last 9 years I have had a shrink and there is a big difference. The best being that they are medical DR.'s and they can get you on medication that will help you better control depression and anxiety.

I just can't imagine knowing Suzanne as I did that she would wish this for you. I think she would rather you go on and live for her.

She was so full of life and so very talented. But the monster stole all of that from her when she was unaware and not watching close enough.

You are watching and you are reaching out and we are here. Call a shrink and make and make that appointment.

You know you are a depressive so you also know that if you just hang on eventually the darkest moment will pass and light will once again begin to creep in.

I know you don;t know me very wel at all. But, from hat you have written here I can tell you that you know me much better than you think.

My email is please, me anytime!!

I will keep you in my prayers and I will keep checking back in. Please don't do to us what Suzanne did.

She left so very many behind hurting and missing her. I don;t want to go through that again!!

Please,please...hang will will come!!

I don;t know what else to say except please know you are not as alone as you think you are.

Sending you a gentle hug, a shoulder to lean on, and love!!


Rebecca said...

I am in tears for you - I wish I had words to ease your pain and depression.

I blogged recently about what was getting me through:

If you have a moment - take a read, if either one makes even a moment of a day brighter for you, I will be grateful.

One of the posts was based around this quote:
Courage does not always roar.
Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying…
"I will try again tomorrow."
~Mary Anne Radmacher

Your voice is there, every day, whispering "I will try again tomorrow" sometimes it's very hard to hear the whisper, but it's there.

Praying for you.

S'onnie said...

I don't really have any amazing words or anything, other then to let you know that I hope you feel a bit more like yourself soon. I know some shrinks etc are shockers but there are some good ones out there, some who truely do their job to help others. I hope you find one of those

Take care

SandyCarlson said...

I am here from Integrated Circuits. She is looking out for you and asking us to do the same.

I lost my dearest friend 8 years ago when depression and the cruel people in his life overwhelmed his spirit. No amount of saying, "Stay safe, here with me," kept him here. Yet he was beautiful and had a rightful place here. I wish he could have said, "I am beautiful. I have a right to be here. Now get lost, cruel illness and cruel people." There were hearts to hold him. Remember that for yourself. The sun rises for you, too.

Lady Banana said...

Please see my email...

rdl said...

Here from Amias'. I think the appt. with the shrink is the 1st step in the right direction. you may not like this person/probably won't but coming from someone who has dealt with depression most of my life you need to go/start somewhere. and i think you need to be on some meds. This is not a failing, this is a medical condition/crisis. If you were a diabetic you would take insulin. mental health is an illness and sometimes requires medication. i think you would also benefit from therapy (with a psychologist or social worker - not the shrink - he's just for meds.) And lastly, do not beat yourself up over this, get some help with and just do the best that you can. there are also depression groups that might even be the utmost help of all. try to find one in yr. area and go. iknow sometimes just getting up in the morning is hard but just make some coffee or tea and get the help that you need. things will get brighter, but you have to try.

Maggie said...

I know the deep darkness when depressin takes hold of you.

I am bipolar and manic depressive.

I am understanding and hope you will take Amias` advice.

She is trying her best to help you as much as she is able to do so and I am sure many others on the web are caring people.

But, this is not about me or us.

I want you to try your best to keep in touch with those who care about you and wish the best for you.

Even if a person can not help your finances...they may lead you to places where funds are available.

You may email me at anytime.

Greeneyezz said...


If you did not like the two counselors that you had, please look for another one. They may not have been a good fit, might have some of their own unresolved issues, might work from a modality that doesn't fit you, etc, etc, but please do not give up. If you are seeking a Social Worker as a therapist, make sure he/she is an R#, as in LCSW-R.
There are several in the area. Do a google search

I know you are struggling financially, and have thought of you several times over the past several months.
There also are several Food Banks in the area, you can google search them as well.

I'm also thinking that if you are not already on an anti-depressant, you'll really want to reconsider this. Your nurses' training and education has given you the knowledge of how much imbalance of brain chemicals can have on our outlook.

I'm thinking of you.


L'uragano (The Hurricane) said...

you need to change the nueral pathway---the way your brain is thinking. one way is to cut the link between what'd you normally do depressed. i slept all day yesterday and when I awoke...felt even more depressed and like shit. so today, i forced myself to get out of bed, be with people, go outside. i broke the link. please be with or email any one. don't be alone. don't give up.

Shinade aka Jackie said...

Just popping back over to check in on you and let you know I am thinking of you.

I had technical difficulties for the last few days and I haven't been able to do much at all.

But, I am here now and you have not left my thoughts!!

I hope to pop in soon and see a new post from you or at least get an email from you.

Sending you love!!

Michelle said...


I found you through Amias. I actually went there to leave her a friendship gift and realised... I think you need the gift more than she does. So, trusting that God uses whoever he can for whatever purpose is needed...

Please come read this post - it is meant for you.


Brokenheartvn said...

I like your blog.

Awake In Rochester said...

Thanks for caring and your advice. I'm on a library computer, or would respond to each one of you. I'm going to see a shrink soon so he might be able to help me. (?) I think that at lest part of the depression is that my hormones are greatly imbalanced, and I can't afford the hormone medication. I hope that once I get on Medicare (or Medicaid?) I can afford to take the meds, and get a full physical. I need to really get checked out, and see my current hormone level, and if there is any other cause for depression.

meleah rebeccah said...

I think some therapy will do a world of good for you!

You are NOT a burden to those around you although I know what if feels like to think you are a burden.

But, I sincerely do think if you asked your shrink about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Methods, your life will improve 100%


Derik said...

Go out and pick up Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. It's hilarious, but he also suffered from depression, so maybe you could relate. I did.