“An Apology” – A Response

I’ve received an e-mail from my Ex. Not only did she e-mail me, but she posted the e-mail on her blog with some comments. She mentioned in the post that she will have more post/s on the topic in the future. I will not dignify the e-mail by posting it on my blog, but will only post my response. You will get the gist. Her childish games will hopefully be finished as of today! I’m sick of this! I know that she will read this post. I hope that she will take it to heart and end her foolishness.

The following is a copy of my response to her e-mail…

Beth,

You’re sorry for your “cruel words/posts towards” me “in 2007 and 2008”? What about you’re cruel words/posts from 2009 to now? How can you apologize for something that you continue to do? Nothing has changed. You continue obsessing about me. I believe that your e-mail and blog post are yet another attention getting tactic to draw my eyes to your blog.

It spooked me when I read that you pray for me “every day”. Obviously you think about me daily and still obsess on me. Ek! You continue blogging about me mainly rehashing our relationship of 20 years ago, however, I rarely think of you now. I’ve moved on. I’ve let go. I suggest that you do the same. I’m rarely behind a computer, and I’m getting out and about these days. I’m living real life, in real time, and not focusing on the past. I highly recommend it!

I’ve recognized some time ago that I could not have any type of relationship with you because your mental problems are far worse than I anticipated. I just don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve kept the door open, but no longer. It just seems to feed your obsession and neurosis. Beth, move on! Let go! Do not contact me ever again! Stop writing posts about me! Move on!

I will always remember you as the sweet, nice, sociable, nervous, lady of 20 years ago who loved me. Not as you are now. I wish you well.

DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN!

Good-bye

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Related Posts: To the Uncomplimentary Blogger and Therapy and Me
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No More Depression! It’s been one YEAR!

Great news folks, my shrink has told me that I’m not clinically depressed! It’s been about one YEAR since my last episode of depression. Frankly, I think that I started going to him when I was getting better. I didn't want to go to him sooner because when I was depressed I had some dark thoughts that I wouldn't have wanted to share.

He has realized that I’ve gotten better primarily on my own and asked me what has made the difference. Besides all the good thoughts and prayer of good people like you, (thank you!), I believe that my diet in particular has placed a key roll in my recovery. I haven't taken any medication for depression.

For a long while I had to live off the food I got from food cupboard donations. Much of it was canned and boxed highly processed food with a very limited variety of canned vegetables. I rarely got any fresh fruit or vegetables. I’m grateful for what I got, however it wasn’t a very healthy diet. Now that I’m on food stamps, plus have had a health scare, I started to eat a much healthier diet. It's much more balanced nutritionally. I’m eating a diet rich in fresh fruit and vegetables. I’ve also switched to healthy fats/oils like olive oil. I’ve been taking A-Z multiple vitamin and mineral tablets. I also read that serotonin is good for depression so I’ve been eating 1 oz of deluxe mixed nuts and a potato a day. Eating garlic may be helping as well. Although I'm not on the Mediterranean diet, my diet is similar. I'm sure that exercise like walking has helped me too, although I have not been consistent.

I’m aware that I’m not out of the woods. Depression is like having a severe injury that is prone to re-injury. In other words depression is a weakness that can return. I have to stay vigilant in my fight against it and do what I can to maintain the ground that I’ve gained. I’ve chosen to keep seeing a shrink, (believe it or not). I think that he has helped a bit, but honestly not nearly as much as I thought he should have. Due to a change in my health care insurance I will need to drop him and get a new shrink. Hopefully the new shrink will be more effective. Right now I’m just very happy that I’m no longer in depression!

By the way, eatting healthy has had other benifits. I have lost 47 pounds so far.

For more information on the link between diet and depression read...

Depression Guide, Depression and Diet by WebMD

and Nutrition: Lower Depression Risk Linked to Mediterranean Diet by The New York Times

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Happy Suicide Awareness Day! Yippee! (Sept. 10)

I'm aware of suicide. I think about it all the time. Ha, ha. Er, if you want to read a GOOD post on Suicide Awareness Day then visit Dr. Deb. Meanwhile, I'll head to the semi-dark/sick humor side. If it scares you then...BOO!...don't read it. ...Wimp!

True Story - An old man's family wanted to put him away in a nursing home, so the guy built a "death machine" that repeatedly fired a 22 caliber gun at him. I guess it was his final F/U to his family. I don't condone what he did but at lest he was creative, original, and good with his hands. Hm, maybe he can fix my toaster? Oops, to late!

Thought - IF depression is a disease, and suicide is a part of depression; does that mean that those who die from suicide die from a disease?

10 Waring Signs of Suicide

1) You tied your tie, and it ends up looking like a noose.

2) When you hear the word "suicide" you turn and reply "Yes" as if your name was called.

3) You have 4 library books about suicide at home (Yeah!)

4) You click your heals three times repeating, "Please God take me home". (Amen!)

5) Your favorite "South Park" character is Kenny. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" "Those bastards!"

6) You have scars on your wrists, and tell people that your writs were run over by a bicycle.

7) Last week you became deliriously happy while planing your suicide and gave all your possessions to charity.

8) You had sex with your husband for the first time in 8 months. It was a "goodbye fuck".

9) During your depression group you take a poll asking for the top 3 ways they would "off themselves."

10) When a burglar robs your bank, you stick your finger in the barrel of his gun and say, "Make my day!"


Thought - I once related to those grieving for someone who committed suicide. Now I relate to the people who committed suicide.


True Story - Kevin Hines jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived. He said that he wouldn't have jumped if ONE person had bothered to say "hello" to him. After recovering from a broken back, and months of rehab, Kevin now talks with those who are suicidal.

Poem - Its all gone up in smoke. My life's become a big joke. People no longer see me, just depression city. Sick of worrying, crying, and the weight. The sight of me I really do hate. Wish it would be over soon. Maybe it will be before noon.

HEY, if you can relate to this post, (especially the last part), then you are a sick puppy and in need of help. Make an appointment with a local counselor, or if you need help yesterday call 1-800-273-TALK(8255). You might be aware that I'm not crazy for shrinks, (except maybe for Dr. Deb), but do as I say not as I do, and you'll be alright. Get help if you need it!

SONG - Never Too Late by Three Days Grace (YouTube)


Note: This blog owner will self destruct in three days! Ha, ha, just joking! This blog owner admits to watching to many sick South Park programs.

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Personal Update - Depression is Worse

I've spared you. ;) I've written half a dozen post drafts pertaining to depression, and suicide. I knew that I couldn't post them because I would lose some of my readers, but I have a lot on my mind and heart these days. I just want to share a little of it with you.

I wrote a very frank letter to Liquid Illuzion. For those of you who didn't know her, she was a loving, talented, caring person, who was bi-polar, and sadly took her life. I miss her. I wrote the letter because I thought she was one of the few people who could understand where I'm at. I probably won't post the letter because it is brutally honest, and might be hurtful to her friends and family. However, the process of writing the letter was positive for me. I cried like a baby and got a lot out that I haven't been able to express to anyone else. (Funny, I thought I was all cried out.) I really feel that she's been with me lately.

So how am I? The depression has been noticeably worse in recent months, and certain unhealthy thought come to my mind to often. This isn't good for several reasons bedsides the obvious. 1) I often am unaware that I'm in depression because it has become my norm. So when I'm aware of it, that means I've entered into a deeper stage of depression. 2) Usually in summer the depression decreases. Winter is my most difficult season because I have winter depression on top of the regular depression. That makes me wonder if I'll make it thought this winter, if things continue.

Life if now a constant struggle. It's exhausting! Life is one huge unsolvable problem. I feel so hurt, like I'm bleeding inside. I feel like a burden to those who have tried to help me. Frankly, I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm no good for anyone, especially myself. The person that I've become is someone that I don't recognize anymore. Well, that's just a small fraction of the stuff that I've wanted to post, but you get the picture.

I went to the Health Department for food stamps, and such. I mentioned the depression, and they are sending me to a shrink for evaluation. This ought to be interesting. As you know, I don't have much faith in shrinks because I knew two crazy counselors. I figure that If those counselors with all their knowledge can't help themselves, than how can any counselor help me? Who knows? This might just be a quick evaluation to satisfy the health department and that's all. So I'll jump though their hoop. I'll give you an update if it's worth mentioning.

Related Posts: This Isn't Me and, I can't do this anymore...

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Police Call is Resolved. How Depressed Am I?

Thank God! A family member paid my debt. He didn't tell me until days later. I guess he wanted to make sure that I applied at Social Services for assistance. I don't like getting a hand out from the government, (it will take 45 days before I receive anything).

So while I was terrified thinking that the cops might bust down my door because of a bounced check, (see previous post) I was trying to locate my carotid artery, and sharpening my knives. Gee, just how depressed am I!?

I keep forgetting how depressed I am until something happens to reveal it. Then I realize that I'm standing on top of a cliff with my toes hanging over the edge.

Why don't I see how depressed I am? Because it has become my normal state. I've been like this for so long that I don't even realize the degree of depression that I'm in.

This police incident just reminded me of how depressed I am. It's become a vicious cycle - depression & anxiety from the deaths of several family members --> less work --> less money & increased debt --> feelings of guilt, failure, self-hatred --> deeper depression & deeper anxiety.

The cycle goes on and on. I slowly sink deeper, and deeper without even realizing it. It's become a way of life until one day I realize that I'm standing on top of a cliff with my toes hanging over the edge. I just don't see it most of the time. I'm under the illusion that I'm coping well enough.

Note: Hyperbole was used in this post and not meant to be interpreted literally.

Related Post - The Police Called

Two years to find a treatment for you

Imagine that you have an illness. You go to your doctor for help and....

Your Dr. says, - "We think we can help you, but it will take two years to find the proper treatment."

You ask - "Two Years!? WHY"?

He replies, - "We have to find the right medication and therapy combination. People react differently. You will just have to be patient. It'll take time. You will have to try various drugs and various therapies until we hit on something effective. But we think we can find something that will work ...eventually."

What would you think? How would you feel? How would you react?

I just saw the program Second Opinion. (TV show with real doctors discussing real illnesses.) It was about depression. They said that treatment often works, but it is not unusual for it to take two years. Doctors have to find the right meds & treatment combo, and that is individual. It takes time.

The other day I read that 60% of people who commit suicide are in therapy. Now I understand. Sometimes people who are clinically depressed can be suicidal, and to not be helped, even when in therapy, must be further depressing to them. Can you imagine being told that you have an illness, and yet you can't get an effective treatment for two years? Heck, that's depressing it itself!

I've had trouble with depression and anxiety. I'm not crazy about therapy in the first place, and this is not good news. I'm not saying that I have thoughts of suicide. I am not saying that. But things aren't good. The depression is slowly getting worse. And what I heard today is bad news. Imagine that you were ill and your doctor said that he MIGHT be able to help you in TWO years. How the hell would you feel? I feel a bit pissed off right now.

Related Posts - "This Isn't Me" AND "IF I saw a therapist..."

Good Article on Suicide

I read a good article on suicide that I want to share with you. I'll summarize it, but I encourage you to read all of it.

Keep in mind that suicide rates rise during recessions, and depressions. As you know, the world is in the worst economic period since the great depression. Back then the suicide rates increased, and we will see that happen again. Financial hardships like the loss of a job, and/or house can cause depression. Depression is a major cause of suicides. Economic hardship not only happens to the poor and elderly, but can happen to anyone. I know someone in his 50's who had a master degree and a good job. He made about $75,000 a year. He recently lost his job, and can't find another. Fortunately he has a good supportive wife who is employed, but it is still difficult for him. To my knowledge he is not suicidal, but he very easily could be. So keep an eye on your loved ones.

This article summery is from today's addition of The New York Times -

Suicide and Suicidal Behavior

Suicide is the act of deliberately taking one's own life. Suicidal behavior is any deliberate action with potentially life-threatening consequences, such as taking a drug overdose or deliberately crashing a car.

Causes

Suicidal behaviors can accompany many emotional disturbances, including depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. More than 90% of all suicides are related to a mood disorder or other psychiatric illness.

Suicidal behaviors often occur in response to a situation that the person views as overwhelming, such as social isolation, death of a loved one, emotional trauma, serious physical illness, aging, unemployment or financial problems, guilty feelings, or dependence on alcohol or other drug.

In the U.S., suicide accounts for about 1% of all deaths each year. Suicide is now the third leading cause of death for 15- to 19-year-olds, after accidents and homicide.

Many suicides involve a firearm. This is especially true in elderly men, in which 80% of suicides are performed with a gun.

Relatives of people who seriously attempt or complete suicide often blame themselves or become extremely angry, seeing the attempt or act as selfish. However, when people are suicidal, they often mistakenly believe that they are doing their friends and relatives a favor by taking themselves out of the world. These irrational beliefs often drive their behavior.

Symptoms

Early signs:

• Depression
• Statements or expressions of guilt feelings
• Tension or anxiety
• Nervousness
• Impulsiveness

Critical signs:

• Sudden change in behavior, especially calmness after a period of anxiety
• Giving away belongings, attempts to "get one's affairs in order"
• Direct or indirect threats to commit suicide
• Direct attempts to commit suicide

Treatment

Emergency measures may be necessary after a person has attempted suicide like first aid, and CPR.

Hospitalization is often needed to treat the recent actions and to prevent future attempts. Psychiatric intervention is one of the most important aspects of treatment.

Outlook (Prognosis)

Suicide attempts and threats should always be taken seriously. About one-third of people who attempt suicide will repeat the attempt within 1 year, and about 10% of those who threaten or attempt suicide eventually do kill themselves.

Mental health care should be sought immediately. Dismissing the person's behavior as attention-seeking can have devastating consequences.

When to Contact a Medical Professional

A person who threatens or attempts suicide MUST be evaluated immediately by a mental health professional. NEVER IGNORE A SUICIDE THREAT OR ATTEMPT!

Prevention

Many people who attempt suicide talk about it before making the attempt. Sometimes, simply talking to a sympathetic, nonjudgmental listener is enough to prevent the person from attempting suicide. For this reason suicide prevention centers have telephone "hotline" services. Again, do not ignore a suicide threat or attempted suicide.

As with any other type of emergency, it is best to immediately call the local emergency number (such as 911). Do not leave the person alone even after phone contact with an appropriate professional has been made.

Click here to read more of this article

By the way, I read that most suicides take place in spring.

U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Other reading -

Suicide.org

Army Data Show Raise in Number of Suicides

I can't do this anymore...

I can't do this anymore. I can't see another person die. Another person dead. I can't see suffering. I'm used up and useless. I've seen so many dead bodies in my life time as a nursing assistant. I just can't. I can't anymore. I've felt this way ever since my 3 relatives died, 3 in a row. Especially my father. I just can't do my work anymore. My relatives don't understand. My not having work is a symptom, not a cause. I just can't do this work anymore.

Tonight I saw an old woman die on Gray's Anatomy, and I cried. I cried uncontrollably. She looked like one of my old patients, but I couldn't remember which one.

How many dead bodies have I seen? I don't know. How many people have I watched suffer? I don't know. It's been over 20 years now. I just can't do this anymore. I just can't. This is nothing new. I know this, but I bury it inside. Bury it till I forget. My family probably thinks that I'm lazy, but I just can't handle what I use to be able to handle. I just can't take it anymore. That's why I probably have panic attacks sometimes before I go into work. That's why I'm not looking very hard for a full time facility job. I've had my fill. I'm imploding and no one gets it. No more dead bodies! No more dead people! Please God! No more suffering! God, can't you hear me? How long on this merry-go-round must I ride? This merry-go-round from hell?

What can I do if I don't work as a nursing assistant? I don't know anything else but taking care of the sick and dying. This is all I know, but I just can't. I can't do this anymore. Why can't you hear me God? It's been so long. I've been paralyzed inside. Imploding slowly in silence. I don't know who I am anymore. I've become this person who just can't handle life.

This Isn't Me

This isn't me - Sometimes crying myself to sleep. If I'm able to sleep much at all.

This isn't me - Greeting the morning by saying "Ah shit!"

This isn't me - Occasionally having a panic attack outside of work, and having to talk to myself out loud and pray in order to be able to walk inside.

This isn't me - Sometimes going to a family gathering. Hardly saying a word, and trying not to be noticed because I feel like I will be rejected.

This isn't me - Worrying about money almost every day. Sometimes it's my first thought in the morning.

This isn't me - Sometimes feeling numb or frozen, other times feeling intense emotional pain.

This isn't me - Sometimes canceling a job interview, or social engagement because I can't face people, or fear rejection, or feel to emotionally exhausted, or to sad.

This isn't me - Someone who needs to be supported by others, rather then support.

This isn't me - Feeling like I'm stuck in a huge pit that I can't get out of, and I'm slowly sinking further, and further down.

This isn't me. This is the depression, and anxiety in my life. It has taken over to the degree that others no longer see the real me, and sometimes I can't either. It's like being encased in a thick shell. But I'm still in here, deep down inside. Hoping and praying that a miracle will occur, and my life will be normal again. But I wonder if it ever will?


Disclaimer - These examples might be totally based on my experiences, or partially, or perhaps not at all.

IF I saw a therapist...

If you have been wondering, no, I have not seen a therapist yet. I'm doing good depression wise. The anxiety is better too. I have stopped having panic attacks when I pull into the parking lot at work. However, the depression seems to come during winter. Last winter was one of my worst times. I wouldn't put in writing how bad it was. It is suppose to snow soon, and I'm getting apprehensive. I can't go through that again.

For those of you who are new, this is why I'm not crazy about therapy. In a nut shell, I knew two people when I was younger. They both had mental problems. They both went to a therapist for many years, and both became therapists. Today they are significantly worse. They are the two most mentally ill people that I have ever met in my life. And they are therapists!

A friend of mine is going though therapy, and frankly I don't know if I could go through the CRAP that she is. Is it me, or do therapists purposely take away hope? Will they try to pump me full of drugs too? Will they tell me that I have 12 things wrong with me, will never get cured, and take away my hope too? Will they ask me if I'm suicidal too? And what if I said yes, would they lock me up? I'm not suicidal now, but many depressed people are. I just don't want to go through the crap that my friend is. I think that she is brave, but it angers me the way that she is being treated. And honestly, how can I put my mental welfare into the hands of a therapist, especially when I know two very mentally ill therapists? Therapy obviously didn't work for them. They just got worse, even after 15 + years of treatment.

If you have been to therapy I would love to hear both success stories, and horror stories. I want to know what goes on in therapy, and is it effective? How where you treated? What was done to you?

Added Later: I just started reading this, but it looks interesting...
HealthyPlace.com Depression Community
Also a different page on the same site Herbs & Women Hormones

Photo credit: Hey, check out "The Dragon Fly Initiative"

Have You Ever Put Someone On A Pedestal?

Some of the facts have been changed so that the woman on the pedestal would be protected.

Have you ever put someone up on a pedestal? You know, thought that they were so special that they could do no wrong? That's how I felt about Mandy. When I lived in Syracuse I met an RN who was very special. She was not only a very caring and good nurse, but she was a Christian, and a perfect example. It wasn't just me that thought so, but many others.

Mandy had more then her share of problems. She had a chronic disease, and was often in pain. She had an abusive husband who was diagnoses as a sociopath. Yet, Mandy relied, and trusted in God so much that she acted like she didn't have a care in the world. She was upbeat, and joyful. She loved helping others, and had a huge heart. Mandy was very approachable, had many friends, and admiring peers. The patients respected, and liked her. She read the Bible on her breaks, and sometimes discussed it with others. More then that she seemed to embody love, joy, and forgiveness. In my book she was the very definition of an nearly perfect nurse, person, and Christian.

Today things changed a bit. Reality set in a bit. I Googled Mandy's name and found out that she had an action of misconduct as a nurse, and admitted to it. Mandy had taken a narcotic for her own use at work. The narcotic was meant for a patient. At first I was shocked, then I started to make excuses for her in my mind- She had a painful, chronic, disease, perhaps she was out of her own medication. Perhaps the patient was a sleep, and didn't need the med. Maybe that's what happened? Or maybe it was worse. Maybe Mandy had been on pain meds for so long that she was addicted.

At any rate, I know that her actions were wrong, and I'm sure that Mandy does too. Isn't it odd that some people can do 99% right, and good in there lives. Then there is that 1% that dashes them down to the ground. It reminds me of that movie Crash, best picture Oscar for 2005. Have you ever seen it? If you haven't, you should! I highly recommend it. Early in that movie you think that you have the good guys, and bad guys all figured out. Then at the end you realize that no one is 100% good, or bad, but we are all just human. We all make mistakes. That's not to say that we shouldn't try to do our best, but one quick wrong decision can mess up a life. I guess we can only do our best, and hope that we don't get slapped down to hard when we make a mistake. Or at lest that those around us, especially our loved ones, will be understanding.

Tonight my heart goes out to an old friend and colleague, her family, especially her children. I hope that her children realize that their mother is special in spite of imperfections.

Note to readers - I do not condone abuse, and personal believe that it is a deal breaker in a marriage. However, I understand Mandy's decision to stay with her husband, and respect her determination, love, and ability to forgive. She was not alone. Family members, some friends, and key people in her church knew. Both her, and her husband were receiving church, and professional counseling. I also would have respected Mandy if she had chosen to leave him.

To the Uncomplimentary Blogger

To my readers. Since this post is to the Uncomplimentary Blogger you will not fully understand what is going on because I will be skipping some important details that the Uncomplimentary Blogger already knows. If your a regular reader you will understand that this is something that has gone on for quite sometime.

Dear Uncomplimentary Blogger,

On Wednesday I heard from both you, and that other person from my past with whom we are both acquainted. Both of you on the same day! It was like a one-two punch to my gut. She sent me an e-mail, and I dealt with her directly. You viewed my blog, and made sure that I knew it. It was like you jumped up, and down in the room. I won't go into specifics, you know what I'm talking about. You're starting to revert to your passive aggressive ways. You chose to make yourself known, but you don't want the same treatment. That's a double standard. Your like the kid who puts a finger one inch from someones face and taunts - "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!" Then you go into hiding. Then the cycle is repeated again, and again, and again. Frankly, I would rather you deal with me directly like the other person did, but you can't seem to.

Your actions have been extremely inconsistent. You like me, then hate me. Like me/hate me. Like me/hate me. You push me away, then try to get my attention and pull me towards you. Push/pull, push/pull, push/pull. In fact that's how you were in our two real time relationships years ago. I noticed from reading your blogs in past months that you're like that in everything. You're crazy for a certain TV star one month, the next you're not. You like a list of TV show one month, the next you don't like any of them. I didn't know what was wrong with you, but I knew that it wasn't normal. You admitted in an e-mail to me many months ago that you had severe mental problems, but didn't elaborate. Fortunately Dr. Deb wrote about it in her blog. (Thank you Dr. Deb.) I learned that it's called emotional ambivalence.

I believe that it is difficult for you to make up your mind about me because of this neurotic conflict. Therefore, I need to intervene, so I have done the following...

1) I have taken all your blogs in my reader and put them in one folder, and tucked that folder away at the bottom of my reader. Plus I'm primarily using another reader, (bloglines), which does not have any of your blogs. In other words I will not be reading your blogs, but will keep them just in case.

2) I have removed the various trackers from my blog. So if you decide to visit my blog I will not know unless you leave a comment, and I highly doubt that you will.

I'm not going to delete my blog because of your games. I don't need to.

I don't want you to think that I have rejected you. I have not! However, I have just made it very difficult for you to play these games. I need some consistency. I also need you to contact me directly, or not at all. No more games! You know my full name, and that I live in the Rochester area. I'm in the phone book. You can call me if/when you are ready for a consistent relationship, or you can e-mail me. I realize that you might have emotional ambivalence for the rest of your life, but if you get it reasonably under control I will be open to contact, but not before. This is not easy for me because I care about you. In fact I am praying that you will get better, but I can't take this any longer. I have been rejected too, and the anxiety that I have stems from rejection. I’m dealing with issues of rejection from my past and just can’t handle these on/off, love/hate, push/pull games. I am trying to heal now. I don't need more rejection, more wounds.

So you can talk to me, (or about me), as much as you want on your blog. Send me all those signals, jump up and down trying to get my attention, but ... I WILL NOT NOTICE.

ENOUGH! I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR GAMES!

Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM) - Could it be that...

It's not a good day physically (not feeling well), but mentally & emotionally I feel strong. Could it be that we are as strong, (mentally & emotionally), as we believe we are? Could it be that we can accomplish more if we just believe? Could it be that our perceptions of our self's and the world around us matter more then we think? Could it be that having a positive attitude, and trying, and showing up, is the majority of it?

If this post doesn't make sense I will blame it on not feeling well, and lack of sleep, and medication. ;o) But right now I think that I'm on to something. It seems so simple. Could it be that we are the ones who is making life so complicated? Breathe, just breathe...

Have You Heard of Willowbrook?

Geraldo Rivera a hero? Children naked, filthy, neglected, and abused. Robert Kennedy. The state of New York...What do these things have in common? Read "A Willowbrook Legacy" written by my blog buddy Tom of "Sheep and Goats" and find out. Tom has a wonderful post on the subject. While you're there please leave him a comment. You know how we bloggers love comments. ;o)

What Music Uplifts You?

As you may know, I suffer from depression. I like music, and that it can be very uplifting. It can be a type of therapy. I listen to the radio, but don't have many CD's. I am looking for some uplifting music. Do you have any ideas? I especially like soft rock, and oldies, sometimes Christian music. It's hard to find something with uplifting lyrics. What do you listen to that brings you out of a bad mood? (What album, or artist, etc.)

Added later - I'm looking for a CD.

Grey's Anatomy: Lesbian Kiss, and Suicide

Grey's Anatomy - Lesbian Storyline


Did you see the Grey's Anatomy season final? If you didn't, don't worry, I won't revel a great deal here. Just my favorite, and lest favorite scenes.

My favorite scene was the kiss between Erica Hahn, and Callie Torres. (I'm predictable, ha?) I think Torres is hot!

My least favorite scene was between Meredith, and her shrink. Meredith had a revelation, and realized that when her mother cut her wrist it was to get attention. After all she was a "excellent surgical nurse", and would have cut her -----, if she meant it. (or similar words). I hate that scene for several reasons.

1) If someone tries to commit suicide they are not in a rational state of mind, and they might try to kill themselves by any means. It might not be the most logic means. It should be seen as a serious attempt, and not just an attention getter.

2) They mention a more effective way to commit suicide then cutting wrists. I hate that! I don't want to mention it. Oh, I knew it before, but someone not so familiar with anatomy and who saw the program might not have considered it. It might have given someone who is suicidal a deadly idea. You've heard of copy cat murders? Well, I'm sure that there are copy cat suicides. Well, at least Meredith didn't point to the area.

Did you know that the suicide rate in the U.S. is twice as large as the homicide rate? (There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides to one completion.) It is hidden, a stigma is still attached. I mean, when is the last time you read the obits, and saw that someone committed suicide? It's all swept under the rug.

Luke... I sense a disturbance in the blogosphere

Luke... I sense a disturbance in the blogosphere. GO... warn Obiwan, Yoda, and the brave Jedi bloggers. I will remain here with this bucket of bolts. And Luke ... remember ... resist the dark side, it leads to chaos.

This video is Star Wars - Imperial March, or Darth Vader's Theme. For some reason I genuinely like this song. The video is only one minute long, and well worth it. But don't watch it if you scare easily.

Broken Toys

The older I get the more I see us as broken toys. God's broken toys. I guess this post might seem more cynical tonight, because it's not a good night for me.

I never use to notice the imperfections as much. Maybe when we are younger we don't have as many, or I was just naive and couldn't see them. Or maybe with time we acquired more. But we all seem to have chinks in our armor, addictions, hooks, faults. A Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön calls it Shenpa.

We all have things to overcome. Mental problems like anxiety, depression, paranoia. Addictions to sex, drugs, alcohol, food, anger. Knee jerk reactions like pulling back from others because we have experienced passed hurts/disappointments, and are afraid of a replay. I've become an expert at that. The list of addictions, and acquired problems goes on, and on.

The statistics are bleak, (addictions at least). The majority don't overcome. I'm not happy with that. I spoke to someone about therapy. I am finally telling some people how bad my last episode of depression was. I called a mental health center. Usually it takes months to get into see someone. When I told her about my last episode of depression, she said that she would put a rush on it. I heard back within 48 hours. I guess I really do need therapy.

I usually am not angry. But lately I've been angry that I have depression, and it's not going away on it's own. I'm angry because I am beginning to realize that it has screwed up my life more then I thought. Invaded many aspects of my life. I'm also scared. I'm scared that I might not get better.

So what do we say about these chinks in our armor? We could say a lot. Tonight I see it as making us more human. Our similar imperfections draws us together. Maybe that's what a big chunk of being on this third rock from the sun is about. Relating to each other. Learning from one another, supporting, caring, sharing. Just relating. If we were perfect maybe we wouldn't interact so much. Maybe life is not so much about the outcome of being healed of additions, and solving problems, as it is about the interactions. Touching each others lifes. The journey. But don't get me wrong, I want this depression to disappear. I sure hope this isn't as good as it gets. Maybe I should call Tom Cruise, and ask him to wave his Scientology wand over me and cure me? Hm, I wounder if Dr. Deb might have his number? Life's a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

YouTube - The Beatles - With a little help from my friends


Related Posts - Therapy and Me

Are You Gay OR Straight? (Part 1)

ETC - Electroconvulsive Therapy or Shock Treatments

Therapy - What Works?

An Uncomplimentary Blogger, Dr. Phil, and Forgiveness

This is a continuation of my last post called- What Do You Do When Someone Blogs About You? If you haven't read it, and the comments, please do so before reading further. You will not understand this post unless you read the last.

First of all I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post. Your suggestions, and remarks were kind, thoughtful, and thought provoking.

Secondly, I don't want you to think that the uncomplimentary blogger is a monster. When I knew her in real life, she was nice, sweet, and sensitive. Since then it seems that life has kicked her in the gut one to many times, and she has reacted to it. When I saw her online I was so thrilled to see my old friend that I tried to get close to her quickly. It was bad timing because she was dealing with some recent kicks in the gut, and wasn't ready to be friends with anyone. However, the way in which she treated and rejected me was hash, threatening, and undeserving.

I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Phil McGraw, but on Wednesday the 23rd he said some things that made sense to me. The segment was about Mormon, (LDS), boys that were kicked out of their homes. They were force to leave because they were seen as a threat to some of the older polygamist men. This is the same compound in Texas that has been on the news.

Dr. Phil was talking with these boys, and asked them if they wanted to go back home if give the chance. The boys said yes, but knew that they would be treated like outsiders. They knew that the door would be locked on them. Dr. Phil said that even though they were rejected, they could get closure just by making it known that they still wanted a relationship, and keeping the door of their hearts open, and forgiving. I saw the parallel. I was rejected by a former good friend, someone who I regarded as family. I now believe that I need to continue to leave the door open, forgive, and turn the other cheek. Maybe this can bring me closure. This person knows my e-mail address, and can get in touch with me if she wants. There is no need to overreact, and to stop blogging. I once wrote her in an e-mail that "it would be a shame if we could not find a way to be friends". I still believe that, but maybe this isn't the day for it. It's poor timing.

What Do You Do When Someone Blogs About You?

I'm just so doggone tired of this!

What do you do when someone blogs about you in a negative way, tells lies, and won't stop? I reached out my hand in friendship to a fellow blogger. Actually we knew each other years ago in real life, had a good relationship, and were very close. I don't want to be specific about the nature of the relationship. Anyway, when I saw her online and tired to befriend her, she didn't want to be friends. She said that she had severe mental problems, and couldn't handle being friends. Then she told me to go to hell, and not to contact her. It hurt. We do have history. I care about her. But what can you do? So I'm leaving her alone.

The thing is that she blogs about me every now and then. And she has done it again very recently. It is obviously about me. I recognize myself, although she never mentions me by name. She sometimes ends her posts with, "this is about me, not you". Or something similar. Oh really? Interesting she would end it that way. Don't you think so? Also... get this... she has a blog diary that is private. If she wants to get something off her chest, why not use her online locked diary? Why put this stuff in a blog that she knows I can read? Plus she is writing things that simply are not true. It's like she is allowed to talk to me or gossip about me, but I am not allowed to respond. She is taunting, and teasing me. Don't you think so?

I find it interesting that she is thinking about me so much. She continues to send messages to me though her blog, even after she told me to leave her alone. However, I have been silent, left her alone, and stopped e-mailing her long ago.

I have kept the lines of communication open on my end. (I'm to tender-hearted sometimes.) If she wants to say something about me then make it a 2 way communication so I can respond! What she is doing is not right, kind, or far!