An Angel Dies. A Devil Lives.

Robert Byrd, longest-serving U.S. senator entered the hospital and unfortunately expired. Senator Byrd was one of the very few brave souls who stood up against ceding war making powers to Pres. George W. Bush. Byrd was against the Iraq war from the beginning. That was a difficult stand then because the Bush administration spread propaganda equating the Iraq war with the war on terrorism. In the oppressive atmosphere of the time, if you opposed invading Iraq, then you were seen as unpatriotic. I’ve admired Senator Byrd ever since his courageous stand. We’ve lost a good man!

"The president is hoping to secure power under the Constitution that no president has ever claimed before, never," Byrd said. "The Bush administration wants (the) president to have the power to launch this nation into war — without provocation and without clear evidence of an imminent attack on the United States. And we're going to be foolish enough to give it to him."

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was also recently hospitalized. It is said that he was the mastermind behind the unnecessary war against Iraq which took tens of thousands of innocent lives. Cheney also advocated torturous methods for extracting information form prisoners. Somehow he got away with it. Cheney was treated and released from the hospital. Devils don’t die easily.

Note: The United Nations former Secretary-General Kofi Annan has stated that the US led invasion of Iraq was an illegal act that contravened the US charter.

The Title is used comparatively speaking. I realized that Senior Byrd had a checkered past, and did some things that he would later greatly regret and apologize for.

2 Students Die of H1N1. One at Cornell University (Rochester)

Swine flu is spreading like wild fire in the U.S.. Thousands of students have H1N1. Some schools in the U.S. have only been in session about 3 weeks. In Rochester the children have just gone back, yet we already have one death in Rochester at Cornell University.

Some of the hardest hit areas are Washington State University with more than 2,ooo students who have reported flu like symptoms. The University of Maryland has 435 cases to date. Cornell University in Rochester N.Y. has reported more than 520 cases and one death. A freshman at Troy University in Alabama died a week earlier. Current totals are over six thousand students that have H1N1. Click here for a current report by the American College Health Association.

The Cornell student was 20 year old Warren J. Schor who died on Sept. 11 at Cayuga Medical Center. There are conflicting reports. Some say that he an underlying medical issue, others say that he was perfectly healthy.

At Troy University 18 year old Andrew Salter of Valley, Alabama died.The family confirmed that he had no underlying medical issues. Ironically he decided to major in nursing. He is the 4th person in Alabama to die from Swine flu to date.


You can read more...

The Washington Post: Colleges Seeing Lots of Early Flu

The Daily Collegian: Cornell flu death opens eyes

WSFA 12 News: Swine Flu claims Troy student's life

American College Health Association

Happy Suicide Awareness Day! Yippee! (Sept. 10)

I'm aware of suicide. I think about it all the time. Ha, ha. Er, if you want to read a GOOD post on Suicide Awareness Day then visit Dr. Deb. Meanwhile, I'll head to the semi-dark/sick humor side. If it scares you then...BOO!...don't read it. ...Wimp!

True Story - An old man's family wanted to put him away in a nursing home, so the guy built a "death machine" that repeatedly fired a 22 caliber gun at him. I guess it was his final F/U to his family. I don't condone what he did but at lest he was creative, original, and good with his hands. Hm, maybe he can fix my toaster? Oops, to late!

Thought - IF depression is a disease, and suicide is a part of depression; does that mean that those who die from suicide die from a disease?

10 Waring Signs of Suicide

1) You tied your tie, and it ends up looking like a noose.

2) When you hear the word "suicide" you turn and reply "Yes" as if your name was called.

3) You have 4 library books about suicide at home (Yeah!)

4) You click your heals three times repeating, "Please God take me home". (Amen!)

5) Your favorite "South Park" character is Kenny. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" "Those bastards!"

6) You have scars on your wrists, and tell people that your writs were run over by a bicycle.

7) Last week you became deliriously happy while planing your suicide and gave all your possessions to charity.

8) You had sex with your husband for the first time in 8 months. It was a "goodbye fuck".

9) During your depression group you take a poll asking for the top 3 ways they would "off themselves."

10) When a burglar robs your bank, you stick your finger in the barrel of his gun and say, "Make my day!"


Thought - I once related to those grieving for someone who committed suicide. Now I relate to the people who committed suicide.


True Story - Kevin Hines jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived. He said that he wouldn't have jumped if ONE person had bothered to say "hello" to him. After recovering from a broken back, and months of rehab, Kevin now talks with those who are suicidal.

Poem - Its all gone up in smoke. My life's become a big joke. People no longer see me, just depression city. Sick of worrying, crying, and the weight. The sight of me I really do hate. Wish it would be over soon. Maybe it will be before noon.

HEY, if you can relate to this post, (especially the last part), then you are a sick puppy and in need of help. Make an appointment with a local counselor, or if you need help yesterday call 1-800-273-TALK(8255). You might be aware that I'm not crazy for shrinks, (except maybe for Dr. Deb), but do as I say not as I do, and you'll be alright. Get help if you need it!

SONG - Never Too Late by Three Days Grace (YouTube)


Note: This blog owner will self destruct in three days! Ha, ha, just joking! This blog owner admits to watching to many sick South Park programs.

photo credit

Good Article on Suicide

I read a good article on suicide that I want to share with you. I'll summarize it, but I encourage you to read all of it.

Keep in mind that suicide rates rise during recessions, and depressions. As you know, the world is in the worst economic period since the great depression. Back then the suicide rates increased, and we will see that happen again. Financial hardships like the loss of a job, and/or house can cause depression. Depression is a major cause of suicides. Economic hardship not only happens to the poor and elderly, but can happen to anyone. I know someone in his 50's who had a master degree and a good job. He made about $75,000 a year. He recently lost his job, and can't find another. Fortunately he has a good supportive wife who is employed, but it is still difficult for him. To my knowledge he is not suicidal, but he very easily could be. So keep an eye on your loved ones.

This article summery is from today's addition of The New York Times -

Suicide and Suicidal Behavior

Suicide is the act of deliberately taking one's own life. Suicidal behavior is any deliberate action with potentially life-threatening consequences, such as taking a drug overdose or deliberately crashing a car.

Causes

Suicidal behaviors can accompany many emotional disturbances, including depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. More than 90% of all suicides are related to a mood disorder or other psychiatric illness.

Suicidal behaviors often occur in response to a situation that the person views as overwhelming, such as social isolation, death of a loved one, emotional trauma, serious physical illness, aging, unemployment or financial problems, guilty feelings, or dependence on alcohol or other drug.

In the U.S., suicide accounts for about 1% of all deaths each year. Suicide is now the third leading cause of death for 15- to 19-year-olds, after accidents and homicide.

Many suicides involve a firearm. This is especially true in elderly men, in which 80% of suicides are performed with a gun.

Relatives of people who seriously attempt or complete suicide often blame themselves or become extremely angry, seeing the attempt or act as selfish. However, when people are suicidal, they often mistakenly believe that they are doing their friends and relatives a favor by taking themselves out of the world. These irrational beliefs often drive their behavior.

Symptoms

Early signs:

• Depression
• Statements or expressions of guilt feelings
• Tension or anxiety
• Nervousness
• Impulsiveness

Critical signs:

• Sudden change in behavior, especially calmness after a period of anxiety
• Giving away belongings, attempts to "get one's affairs in order"
• Direct or indirect threats to commit suicide
• Direct attempts to commit suicide

Treatment

Emergency measures may be necessary after a person has attempted suicide like first aid, and CPR.

Hospitalization is often needed to treat the recent actions and to prevent future attempts. Psychiatric intervention is one of the most important aspects of treatment.

Outlook (Prognosis)

Suicide attempts and threats should always be taken seriously. About one-third of people who attempt suicide will repeat the attempt within 1 year, and about 10% of those who threaten or attempt suicide eventually do kill themselves.

Mental health care should be sought immediately. Dismissing the person's behavior as attention-seeking can have devastating consequences.

When to Contact a Medical Professional

A person who threatens or attempts suicide MUST be evaluated immediately by a mental health professional. NEVER IGNORE A SUICIDE THREAT OR ATTEMPT!

Prevention

Many people who attempt suicide talk about it before making the attempt. Sometimes, simply talking to a sympathetic, nonjudgmental listener is enough to prevent the person from attempting suicide. For this reason suicide prevention centers have telephone "hotline" services. Again, do not ignore a suicide threat or attempted suicide.

As with any other type of emergency, it is best to immediately call the local emergency number (such as 911). Do not leave the person alone even after phone contact with an appropriate professional has been made.

Click here to read more of this article

By the way, I read that most suicides take place in spring.

U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Other reading -

Suicide.org

Army Data Show Raise in Number of Suicides

I can't do this anymore...

I can't do this anymore. I can't see another person die. Another person dead. I can't see suffering. I'm used up and useless. I've seen so many dead bodies in my life time as a nursing assistant. I just can't. I can't anymore. I've felt this way ever since my 3 relatives died, 3 in a row. Especially my father. I just can't do my work anymore. My relatives don't understand. My not having work is a symptom, not a cause. I just can't do this work anymore.

Tonight I saw an old woman die on Gray's Anatomy, and I cried. I cried uncontrollably. She looked like one of my old patients, but I couldn't remember which one.

How many dead bodies have I seen? I don't know. How many people have I watched suffer? I don't know. It's been over 20 years now. I just can't do this anymore. I just can't. This is nothing new. I know this, but I bury it inside. Bury it till I forget. My family probably thinks that I'm lazy, but I just can't handle what I use to be able to handle. I just can't take it anymore. That's why I probably have panic attacks sometimes before I go into work. That's why I'm not looking very hard for a full time facility job. I've had my fill. I'm imploding and no one gets it. No more dead bodies! No more dead people! Please God! No more suffering! God, can't you hear me? How long on this merry-go-round must I ride? This merry-go-round from hell?

What can I do if I don't work as a nursing assistant? I don't know anything else but taking care of the sick and dying. This is all I know, but I just can't. I can't do this anymore. Why can't you hear me God? It's been so long. I've been paralyzed inside. Imploding slowly in silence. I don't know who I am anymore. I've become this person who just can't handle life.

Leesa's Tribute to Liquid illuzion

I've been reading several tributes to Liquid (Suzanne) since her passing. A few are exceptionally good. Leesa's is one of them. What touched me most was her sincerity, thoughtfulness, and how she was touched by Liquid's death.

One of her paragraphs has been running through my head for the last 24 hours. It made me think...."Anyway, I read somewhere that we die twice. Once when we actually die, and another time when no one left on Earth remembers us. Suzanne died on December 24^th. Her family and friends, who are understandably still hurting from her actions, will remember her for a long time to come. The pain will slowly diminish, and they will remember some of the better times, the times when Suzanne made them smile."... I can't help but wonder how long I will be remembered, and in what way. .

You can read "Leesa's Stories" lovely tribute by clicking here.

For more Tributes click here.

The picture is one of my favorites of Suzanne's photographs. Click here to see more.

What NOT To Do When Depressed (Top 10)

The last few days I've been in a dark place in my mind. Unfortunately, it doesn't take me long. So I made up this list. It is dark humor, morbid. I just need some humor now, and this does the trick from me. If your sensitive about suicide, or suicidal, you many not want to read this.<= odd sentence.

What NOT To Do When Depressed (Top 10)

10) Take inventory of the meds in your cabinet. Call your local pharmacies and ask him which pill combination would be most lethal.

9) Take longer then usual washing kitchen knifes thinking, "I wonder how sharp this REALLY is."

8) Go up to your republican, redneck, war vet, neighbor who is cleaning his shotgun. Tell him that Pres. Bush was no better then Hitler, and V.P. Cheney is the devil incarnate. Insist that they both should have been impeached. Make sure to tell him that your a communist, gay, and despise America, (wear bright pink, and burn the flag while talking.)

7) When taking a pan out of the oven, don't use oven mitts. Explain to concerned onlookers, "My hands are cold."

6) Call a gun shop, and ask them if they can deliver a RUSH order.

5) Sign up for knife juggling lessons, or start wrestle alligators.

4) Think of getting back with severely mentally ill ex because she is capable of murder. (The local one, not the other nut job.)

3) Repeatedly sing the Theme from M*A*S*H - "Suicide is Painless."

2) Think of a different use for clothespins.

1) Eat huge amounts of burritos, with ex-large bean side order, all smothered with fiery hot sauce. Go into the furnace room and expel massive quantities of gas...then wait.


Disclaimer - Please do not try this at home, ah, or anywhere else.

No comments needed. Don't humor me, I'm being weird, ah, silly.

photo credit

Prayers, Poems, For Bereavement

As most of you who have been reading this blog know, Jeri Suzanne Horne a.k.a. Liquid illuzion passed away. I thought that I'd post a few prayers. Click on the first few words of the pray for the links.There are also more prayers, poems, and also links about grief at the bottom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Poem) Death is nothing at all -

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
[There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident?]
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.

All is well.
(Canon Henry Scott Holland of St. Paul's Cathedral)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prayers For Bereavement
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O merciful Father, who taught us in your holy Word that you would not willingly affict us, look with pity upon the sorrows of (name) for whom our prayers are offered. Remember her/him, O Lord, in mercy, nourish her/his soul with patience, comfort her/him with a sense of your goodness, lift up your countenance upon her/him, and give her/him peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Jesus, who wept at the death of your friend
and taught that they who mourn shall be comforted,
grant us the comfort of your presence in our loss.
Send Your Holy Spirit to direct us
lest we make hasty or foolish decisions.
Send Your Spirit to give us courage
lest through fear we recoil from living.
Send Your Spirit to bring us your peace
lest bitterness, false guilt, or regret take root in our hearts.

The Lord has given.
The Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WE GIVE THEM back to you, dear Lord, who gave them to us.
Yet as you do not lose them in giving, so we have not lost them by their return.
Not as the world gives do you give, O Lover of souls. What you gave you do not take away; for what is ours is ours always, if we are yours. And life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only an horizon, and an horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
Lift us, strong Son of God, that we may see farther.
Cleanse our eyes that we may see more clearly.
Draw us closer to yourself that we may know ourselves nearer to them.
And while you are preparing a place for us, prepare us for that happy place, that
where they are and you are, we too may be; through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaddish -The prayer extolling God that is said by mourners. (Jewish)


Glorified and sanctified be God's great name throughout the world which He has created according to His will. May He establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days, and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon; and say, Amen.

May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.

Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, adored and lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be He, beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.

May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us
and for all Israel; and say, Amen.

He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poem-

The season of mourning,
like spring, summer,
fall and winter,
will also pass.

- Molly Fumia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lord's Prayer click here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Rosary click here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Bereavement Sites: Prayers, Poems & Coping with Grief -

In Loving Memory with thanksgiving

Sadly Missed.com

Self-Healing Expressions- Sympathy Poems and Quotes

Mayo Clinic- Survivors of suicide: Healing after a loved one's suicide

Coping with Grief and Loss:

Coping with Grief

For more posts about Jeri Suzanne Horne, go to the cloud tag below and click on "LIQUID ILLUZION"

Pieces

Pieces of me
Breaking off floating in obscurity
Where?
I don't know where
Dead....gone

Frozen in time

Last Photograph
Last poem
Last words
Last post
Last phone call
Last Christmas cards sent
Last kiss
Last words to children
All frozen in time
Forever 42
Bits & pieces, scraps, I try to glean from you
You thoughts on paper try to understand
You photographs I beg for
Why? Why did you have to go?
I try to understand
Your spirit occasionally I can connect
But you can not speak words to me in present
I think it's a crime
Forever frozen in time


"For we see now through a dim window obscurely, but then face to face..." 1 Cor. 13:12


Photo from the blog of Liquid illuzion

Secret Refuge (a poem to Liquid)

Liquid loved poems, & wrote many beautiful ones. I'm not good at poetry. I haven't written many since I was a child. I hope that you will look at my heart as I pay tribute to Liquid illuzion, and not my numerous mistakes. To my regular visitors- I know that you have heard a lot about Liquid these past few days, but please hang in there with me as I work this through.

This is for/to YOU Liquid,


Secret Refuge


Hostile Night approaches, demons of the mind.

Anything but sleep. I wander into your liquid blue divine.

Secret refuge from the night. I hid in your wake.

Dark yet decorated in soft light. Liquid blue lake.

A blue feather to dry my tears.

You take away all my of fears.

Photos, laughter, old Bibles, Daisy lab, pearls, fried green tomatoes too.

I sipped slowly from your delicious brew.

Didn't know you well, but feeling was inside.

You want me there. Welcomed me with pride.

Your words I read. Your songs I listen to.

Warm, comforted, safe. The night now ruled by you.

Blue bottles on tree limbs. My demons you cast away.

My torturous night, you magically turn to day.

Your blue liquid washes over me. Took the fear out of my body.

Mistakenly I thought we had time. Get more acquainted, good friends, but I was blind.

For the demons you had too.You just couldn't shake them off of you.

On that horrible day you took your life. My secret refuge floated away.

Now never be the same. Music swept away.

For the greatest gift you took from me was...

YOU


by Awake


(Poem background info - When I had trouble sleeping at nights due to worry I use to visit Liquid's blog. I felt welcomed, safe, warm. As I read her posts, and listened to her playlist sometimes for hours, my worries magically washed away. It's just not the same today.)

Meme... by Liquid Illuzion

I am to list FIVE words

I hope are used to describe me after I'm gone.

So, here's my five:

1) Loving

2) Giving

3) Fun

4) Daring

and

5) Missed

From Awake: Yes, the description fits you perfectly!

Part of this post is from the blog of Liquid Illuzion a.k.a Jeri Suzanne Horne who no longer dwells here on earth, but who lives on in spirit, and her blog. Please keep her family & friends in prayer. Some of this is from her post - "Meme..." dated 4-17-2008

Immersed in Liquid

One of Liquid's last posts... 12-18-08

A thoughtful gift...

Here is a little

"Liquid"

gift for you each!

Think of me when you add a little more ice to your holiday drinks,

'cause I'm right there with ya'!

*chuckle*

If you haven't read my last post, please do before continuing.

When I found out about the death of LIQUID ILLUZION I cried like a baby all night. It was as if I had lost a family member, which seems odd to me because I've only known her a few months. Yet I can not deny, or refuse to deny, the impact that she has had on me. A bit of Liquid and her spirit has seeped into my soul.

I'm now doing something that I've never done before. I'm getting to know someone better after their death. I'm reading her blog, and listening to her Playlist, (which unfortunately has changed some recently.) I'm a spiritual person and believe in God, Angles, heaven etc. I believe that Liquid still exists as spirit, and is at peace now. I believe that I can get to know her better, and that our spirits can still touch when I read her blog & listen to her music. So I'm getting to know my friend better, and getting closer to her after her death. An odd thing to do, but I have a feeling that liquid understands and approves.

I won't tell you about her qualities, or explain her to you. If you want to get to know her better she is still around. Her blog is still here, and part of her is in her blog. I can tell you that I often laugh out loud while reading Liquid's blog, and that I feel closer to her already. Well, I have to go now. Read more of Liquid's blog. My friend is waiting...

NOTE: I'm not asking for prays for myself. I miss my new friend, but am doing fine and I am excited about getting to know her better. It just bothers me a great deal that I can't communicate with her in this life, but believe that I will in the afterlife. I will however, ask that you pray for her family especially her children, and close friends including Amias. Besides being a close friend to Liquid, Amias is also the co-administrator of her blog and now has to deal with the fall out.

Bo Ragon wrote an interesting post called "Christian View of Suicide".

To readers - I am aware that her name is Suzanne, but I knew/know her as Liquid and refer to her as such.

She's gone? Liquid's gone?

I was running dry of blog ideas and wanted to get inspiration for something funny. So I went to visit LIQUID ILLUZION's blog tonight. One of my favorite new blogs. One of my favorite new people.

I didn't know Liquid well, but felt so comfortable at her blog. I would go and read her blog and listen to the songs on her music playlist, sometimes for hours a night. The playlist gone now, she's gone now. Did she have any idea how much time I spent there? Did she know how comfortable I felt? How welcomed? How safe?

The last time she communicated with me she asked prayers for her friend. She asked that I visit her friends blog and pray for her, which I did. The last thing that she asked of me was something for someone else. That says a lot!

I will miss my new friend. I will miss her blog, her songs, her poems, her essence...Liquid...

Jeri Suzanne Horne a.k.a. Liquid illuzion passed away on December 24, 2008. She took her own life. She was 42.

Please read other tributes to Suzanne, or add yours by clicking here.

For her blog called LIQUID ILLUZION click here.

Meridian Star Guest book for Suzanne.





Obituary from The Meridian Star

"Jeri Suzanne Horne
Jeri Suzanne Horne Services for Jeri Suzanne Horne will be held Tuesday at 2 p.m. at James F. Webb Funeral Home Chapel with the Revs. Joseph Hallman, and Dennis Marks officiating. Burial will be in Pine Springs Southern Methodist Church Cemetery. Mrs. Horne, 42, of Meridian, died Wednesday, December 24, 2008, at her residence. She was employed as a hairdresser. Survivors include her parents, Jerry and Betty White of Meridian, daughter, Isabella Horne of Meridian, son, Campbell Horne of Meridian, brother, Greg White and Ronna of Davie, Fla., niece, Madelyn White of Davie. Visitation will be Monday, 5p.m.-7 p.m. at the funeral home. Pallbearers will be Barry Murphy, Mike Grant, David Medlin, Bo Pierce, Richard Daniel, and Bryan Culpepper."

For my other posts about Suzanne, click on "LIQUID ILLUZION" in the tag cloud below.

P.S. Before I first started to blog I accused a blogger of having sudo-friends. Meaning that blog friends aren't real friends. But these are real tears I'm shedding tonight, and I didn't even know her that long. Liquid you left your mark on my soul, and I'm sure so many others. Now my prayers will go out to your family.

It's December 10th SOB!

Dear Mom,

I knew the date, but the significance of it didn't hit me until tonight. My reaction was to say SOB out loud. And you know I don't swear much. You died today. How many years has it been? You died in 1981. I almost forgot. I almost made it though the day. But I didn't. I remembered. SOB! For a second a few memoirs of the night you died swept in, and I began to tear up. Another year has gone by without my mother, and best friend.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have changed if you were still in it. I probably would have gone on to more college. Would I have been open about my sexuality with you? Would I have suppressed it for a longer time? I don't know how my life would have changed, but I bet it would have changed mostly for the better.

Yes, it gets easier with time. Most days I don't even think of you. Then other days I really wish you were still here on earth. I've come to realize that I've suppressed some of the memoirs I've had of you. Subconsciously, I've taken some of the best memories and locked them deep in my mind. Somehow I know that. I would not be as sane as I am if I remembered you well, and knew that I'd never see you again on earth. Seems like a sick, cruel, joke. So I remember your 10 year fight with cancer. I remember several surgeries, several bouts of chemo, and radiation therapy. Told in the hospital room to be careful not to knock over the glass bottle and brake it because you just had part of your lung removed, and your lung would collapse if I got clumsy. I felt your venerability. I remember you walking with the quad-cane, then wheel chair, then bedridden with a catheter. Paralyzed from the waist down by that tumor on your spine. That last month that you could hardly eat a thing except for custard that the neighbor made. Refusing food. And that night that you died. And all through it, you tried to remain positive, enjoy your loved ones, believing God would heal you. I remember mostly the bad times because It would hurt to much to have a clear memory of the good times.

When you died a part of me died with you. I can't name the part of me that died, but it was something good, vital that is now gone. Maybe forever. So be it! Maybe in heaven it's not so easy for you to be without your only child. Maybe you needed that piece of me. That's fine! You keep it mom. When we are reunited it will all workout, and be clear.

Your loving daughter forever...


Coldplay 42

"Those who are dead are not dead They're just living my head"

Comments is now closed. I have to move on. Thank you for caring!

Barack Obama's grandmother has died

On the eve of the election Sen. Obama has lost the woman who helped raise him. His grandmother, "Madelyn Dunham, has died peacefully after a battle with cancer." Obama recently interrupted his election race to say goodbye to her in Hawaii. "Dunham helped raise Obama from the age of 10." Click here for more about Ms. Dunham's life.

My thoughts & prayers are with the Senior, and his family. Obviously this is a bitter/sweet time in the Senator's life. If your so inclined you can send a card, or an email to Obama here.

The photo is of Sen. Obama's grandparents, Stanley and Madelyn Dunham, on a park bench in New York City while he was a student at Columbia University.

sources: see links above

Grey's Anatomy: Lesbian Kiss, and Suicide

Grey's Anatomy - Lesbian Storyline


Did you see the Grey's Anatomy season final? If you didn't, don't worry, I won't revel a great deal here. Just my favorite, and lest favorite scenes.

My favorite scene was the kiss between Erica Hahn, and Callie Torres. (I'm predictable, ha?) I think Torres is hot!

My least favorite scene was between Meredith, and her shrink. Meredith had a revelation, and realized that when her mother cut her wrist it was to get attention. After all she was a "excellent surgical nurse", and would have cut her -----, if she meant it. (or similar words). I hate that scene for several reasons.

1) If someone tries to commit suicide they are not in a rational state of mind, and they might try to kill themselves by any means. It might not be the most logic means. It should be seen as a serious attempt, and not just an attention getter.

2) They mention a more effective way to commit suicide then cutting wrists. I hate that! I don't want to mention it. Oh, I knew it before, but someone not so familiar with anatomy and who saw the program might not have considered it. It might have given someone who is suicidal a deadly idea. You've heard of copy cat murders? Well, I'm sure that there are copy cat suicides. Well, at least Meredith didn't point to the area.

Did you know that the suicide rate in the U.S. is twice as large as the homicide rate? (There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides to one completion.) It is hidden, a stigma is still attached. I mean, when is the last time you read the obits, and saw that someone committed suicide? It's all swept under the rug.

Broken Toys

The older I get the more I see us as broken toys. God's broken toys. I guess this post might seem more cynical tonight, because it's not a good night for me.

I never use to notice the imperfections as much. Maybe when we are younger we don't have as many, or I was just naive and couldn't see them. Or maybe with time we acquired more. But we all seem to have chinks in our armor, addictions, hooks, faults. A Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön calls it Shenpa.

We all have things to overcome. Mental problems like anxiety, depression, paranoia. Addictions to sex, drugs, alcohol, food, anger. Knee jerk reactions like pulling back from others because we have experienced passed hurts/disappointments, and are afraid of a replay. I've become an expert at that. The list of addictions, and acquired problems goes on, and on.

The statistics are bleak, (addictions at least). The majority don't overcome. I'm not happy with that. I spoke to someone about therapy. I am finally telling some people how bad my last episode of depression was. I called a mental health center. Usually it takes months to get into see someone. When I told her about my last episode of depression, she said that she would put a rush on it. I heard back within 48 hours. I guess I really do need therapy.

I usually am not angry. But lately I've been angry that I have depression, and it's not going away on it's own. I'm angry because I am beginning to realize that it has screwed up my life more then I thought. Invaded many aspects of my life. I'm also scared. I'm scared that I might not get better.

So what do we say about these chinks in our armor? We could say a lot. Tonight I see it as making us more human. Our similar imperfections draws us together. Maybe that's what a big chunk of being on this third rock from the sun is about. Relating to each other. Learning from one another, supporting, caring, sharing. Just relating. If we were perfect maybe we wouldn't interact so much. Maybe life is not so much about the outcome of being healed of additions, and solving problems, as it is about the interactions. Touching each others lifes. The journey. But don't get me wrong, I want this depression to disappear. I sure hope this isn't as good as it gets. Maybe I should call Tom Cruise, and ask him to wave his Scientology wand over me and cure me? Hm, I wounder if Dr. Deb might have his number? Life's a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

YouTube - The Beatles - With a little help from my friends


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Therapy - What Works?

A Generation Disappears

My grandmother died. Alright, she wasn't my grandmother, she was my cousins. But I was taught to call her grandma. No one told me that she wasn't. So for the first few years of my life I thought that she was. After all didn't everyone have 3 sets of grandparents? ;o) Eventually I figured it out, but I kept calling her grandma.

She was a nice, cheerful, Italian women who was a good cook, and loved her family. At the memorial, most of the stories centered around her love of family, and cooking. I guess that doesn't sound extraordinary in writing, but if you knew her then you knew someone special. She lived to the ripe old age of 96. The last of the grandparents to die. My three sets of grandparents have all left this earth. A whole generation has died off.

Wasn't it just yesterday that we all were at our summer place at the 1000 Islands? Didn't we all just take a swim together? Yesterday didn't we go boating, and fishing together? Eat freshly caught Pike with home made dressing together? Didn't we just play several hands of cards together; the whole family? Today a generation disappeared.

Those of us who are left have all moved up a generation. My parents generation is now the oldest. My generation is second oldest, and so on. This is the way of things. Such is life. But it hurts! A generation disappeared, but will always be remembered.

The older I get, the more I cling to those precious memories when I was a kid at our second home at the 1000 Islands. Both sides of my family were together. Everyone was alive, young, and had fun together. We had time. When your a kid you think that things won't change. But oh, my, how things have changed!

I don't believe in worshiping the dead, as some people do. But I think that they may be on to something. I won't worship the dead, but I do feel like honoring the dead in a specially way. Some sort of small ceremony, maybe once a month, or season. I will have to think about how to do that. At any rate I do remember.

A generation disappears. Gone, but never forgotten.

Therapy - What Works?

As you might know, I am not fond of therapy. I have blogged about it. Also my cousin has seen some scary things. So I have my reservations concerning therapy.

Ever since my father's death I have had difficulty with anxiety, and depression. Well, the anxiety is nothing new, but the depression is circumstantial. It's been years since his death, and I'm not snapping out of it. My last bout with depression was very difficult. Possibly sever depression. I'm doing fairly good now, comparatively speaking. But I'm aware that I can plummet into depression soon again. In fact I might be going through something difficult soon, that might trigger the depression. I'm starting to think that I might need some therapy to snap me out of this cycle, even though I'm not crazy about the idea.

I want something effective. So do you know which therapy works? I'm sure that there have been some studies somewhere on it. And what medications work? I don't want to end up a gunny pig. Maybe I should avoid meds? So if you have some legitimate stats, or are a therapist, I would appreciate hearing from you. Please back up what your comment with evidence. Personal testimonies are good too. Thanks!

P.S. I don't know much about physiology, and don't know the terminology, so please keep this in mind when replying.

Epic Film Star Charlton Heston Dies at 84

I was just thinking about Mr. Heston during Easter while watching one of his greatest movies, "The Ten Commandments". I knew that in 2002 he announced he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. As a C.N.A., I have seen many who have suffered with this dreaded disease. It can be devastating. My thoughts are with his family tonight.

It disturbs me that we are losing "The Greatest Generation". Not just because I have a few relatives that are of that generation that will leave me soon, but there is something special about them. I have not read the book, but from what from I can tell, generally speaking, they have been though hell during the great depression, and WW2, yet don't complain. On T.V., I saw a chef scoop every last drop of an egg out of it's shell with her finger. When the interviewer questioned her actions, she said she had learned that during the great depression. A nurse at work told me that her grandmother only used one sheet of toilet paper. When I asked why, she said she learned it during WW2, when they had to do without. They both learn to be frugal to a fault, due to the trials of their youth. These women in their 70's, or 80's learned lessons in their youth that they will take to their graves. Lessons that many of their generation learned. Don't waste, don't complain, be grateful for what you have, give to others, and work hard. When knocked down by life, they just get up, and continue without complaint. Maybe we can learn a lesson from them? I know that I sure need to.


New York Times: Charlton Heston, Epic Film Star and Voice of N.R.A., Dies at 84

msnbc: Charlton Heston was larger than life

This link describes rationing and scrap drives during World War 2.

By the way, the spokesmen for the family would not say what the actor died of...Hm.