Quick Update - My Aunt and the Bear

I've been busy this past week. My Aunt has passed away. It was complications due to a fall which injured her hip. I have been speaking to relatives on the phone, plus went to her funeral. I'm sure that I will write more about my dear Aunt later on.

I have also been studding the Bear of a disease that I think I have. I asked my doctor why he was so concerned about my blood test, and he finally said that it could be that bear of a disease. I will see the specialist in about a week, and possibly be diagnosed. I hope my self-diagnosis is incorrect. The specialist wouldn't see me if it was nothing. So I know that I have a disease. My counselor is going to give me a dry run of the consultation. I'm am frightened of this whole thing. My mother died at the age of 52 of something similar. I'm am a few years younger. I'm not the most organized person, and need to get my questions in order, so my counselor will help. I will have further tests when I see the specialist. I was going to keep this all quiet from my family until I knew for sure, but it slipped out. A relative will be going with me to the same clinic that treated my mother for 10 years before she died. The same clinic that might be giving me a similar diagnosis. It's all very frightening!

It's December 10th SOB!

Dear Mom,

I knew the date, but the significance of it didn't hit me until tonight. My reaction was to say SOB out loud. And you know I don't swear much. You died today. How many years has it been? You died in 1981. I almost forgot. I almost made it though the day. But I didn't. I remembered. SOB! For a second a few memoirs of the night you died swept in, and I began to tear up. Another year has gone by without my mother, and best friend.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have changed if you were still in it. I probably would have gone on to more college. Would I have been open about my sexuality with you? Would I have suppressed it for a longer time? I don't know how my life would have changed, but I bet it would have changed mostly for the better.

Yes, it gets easier with time. Most days I don't even think of you. Then other days I really wish you were still here on earth. I've come to realize that I've suppressed some of the memoirs I've had of you. Subconsciously, I've taken some of the best memories and locked them deep in my mind. Somehow I know that. I would not be as sane as I am if I remembered you well, and knew that I'd never see you again on earth. Seems like a sick, cruel, joke. So I remember your 10 year fight with cancer. I remember several surgeries, several bouts of chemo, and radiation therapy. Told in the hospital room to be careful not to knock over the glass bottle and brake it because you just had part of your lung removed, and your lung would collapse if I got clumsy. I felt your venerability. I remember you walking with the quad-cane, then wheel chair, then bedridden with a catheter. Paralyzed from the waist down by that tumor on your spine. That last month that you could hardly eat a thing except for custard that the neighbor made. Refusing food. And that night that you died. And all through it, you tried to remain positive, enjoy your loved ones, believing God would heal you. I remember mostly the bad times because It would hurt to much to have a clear memory of the good times.

When you died a part of me died with you. I can't name the part of me that died, but it was something good, vital that is now gone. Maybe forever. So be it! Maybe in heaven it's not so easy for you to be without your only child. Maybe you needed that piece of me. That's fine! You keep it mom. When we are reunited it will all workout, and be clear.

Your loving daughter forever...


Coldplay 42

"Those who are dead are not dead They're just living my head"

Comments is now closed. I have to move on. Thank you for caring!

Wordless Wednesday

Sorry Bart, it's to late. Presenting my son...

UPDATED- FatDoctor.org: Erased? Her Blog Erased?

UPDATED- SHE'S BACK! ... The problem is solved, she now has all of her posts. FatDoctor is now back online with a new blog! Please stop over and say hi, give her your suport. Reconstructing a blog must be a pain in the butt. Tell her that I sent you ;o)

http://fatdoctor.blogspot.com/

My blog buddy FatDoctor of FatDoctor.org posted this on Twitter yesterday.... "Accidentally erased my whole blog. And I don't have a backup. No sense crying - it's not like a family member dying...or is it?" It was a shock to me. She had one of the best blogs I have ever seen, and is a very sweet, caring, down to earth person.

I have been working closely with FatDoctor, and managed to retrieve most of her posts, but without the graphics. I would like her to be able to retrieve ALL her posts, or her blog. I'm not very computer savvy, and am running out of ideas. So I am asking for your help. If you have any ideas on how she can get her blog back, or posts, please leave a comment. I have her e-mail, but will not give it out due to privacy issues. However, I will drop her an e-mail, and let her know about your comments.

As you many know my blog is only a few months old, so currently I don't have a huge following. I am asking that you consider telling your readers about her dilemma. Maybe creating a post about it. She is not the first one who has lost a blog, and will not be the last. I think that we can all sympathize with her.

I have heard that whatever has been placed on the internet never really gets erased, and can be retrieved. We would appreciate your help.

My Mother's Piano Playing

My mother was a piano teacher, and had her studio in our house when I was a kid. She had aspirations of being a concert pianist when she was young, but was in a car accident that affected her back, so she never realized her dream. I never appreciated the rich musical up-bring that I had. Nor did I realize how good my mother was until I recognized that she played remarkably like a concert pianist. Here is one of my father's and my favorites that my mother use to play. I love listening to it. It sounds just like my mother playing, and transports me back in time. For the record, I never learned how to play much more then chopsticks. I wish she had made me.

Ritual Fire Dance compesed by Falla