My Thanksgiving Wish

Dear Magical Thanksgiving Wish Turkey,
.
My wish for the next Thanksgiving and holidays is to have a girlfriend. Not just any girlfriend, but one that is compatible and such. I want her because holidays are better with someone special.
.

Early Thanks, (By the way your cousin tasted delicious)

.

Awake

.

P.S. If she really likes sex that would be great too! ;)

The Siesta

I saw a spot on my living room rug. I thought it might be a patch of dirt, or a leaf. However, I was suspicious since I had vacuumed the day before.

It was a hot day and my A/C was hitting the spot nicely. I decided to investigate.

I approached the spot slowly. It did look a bit odd. My foot was right next to it when I decided to give it a little kick.

To my surprise the spot quickly grew many legs as it made a mad dash towards the couch. It ran head first into the couch leg. Stunned, it recoiled a few inches, and then scooted underneath the couch.

Apparently it was a small centipede taking a siesta, enjoying the cool breeze of the A/C. Now it had a concussion and was being pursued.

I didn't have any insecticide so arming myself with a can of air freshener, and a broom. I tried to flush the critter out. No luck.

A few days later I found him in my bathtub taking another cool siesta. Good thing I looked before I hopped in! Well, that was the end of the siesta enjoying centipede.

Moral of the story - Be careful where you take your siesta. The coolest place many not be the safest. And always look in the tub before you enter or you may be bathing with an uninvited guest.

Do you have any critter stories?

photo credit

Friday Funnies - 10 Reasons Why Women Should Date Women (lesbian)

10) You have someone who can talk about things other than sex and sports.

9) Limited smells of beer & burps that come out the wrong end.

8) Lots of foreplay! ;)

7) You get cards or flowers on days other then your birthday or Valentines Day.

6) No need to watch ball games on T.V.

5) You can act out the twelve days of Christmas using the animals you both have.

4) Your chances of having good sex are good since she has been practicing on herself for many years, & you have the same anatomy.

3) There is actually someone who will share the housework with you.

2) No need to explain "Venus" ways to another Venus.

1) You always have a friend to go to the Lilith Fair, or shop with.

photo credit

Friday Funnies - Letterman's Top Ten (Somali Pirate's)

David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Somali Pirate's Mind While in New York City

10. This city is more dangerous than downtown Mogadishu.
9. It's like my own episode of "Gossip Girl."
8. Maybe Madonna will adopt me.
7. If I don't get a corned beef on rye soon, I'm gonna plotz!
6. How can I meet Zac Efron?
5. Go Niners!
4. Any chance of getting "Jersey Boys" tickets?
3. This would be a pretty sweet trip if it weren't for the handcuffs and jail.
2. Why the hell are these people lining up to see Letterman?
1. You charge $40 for parking, and I'm the pirate?


about.com political humor

Friday Funnies - Out On A Rope....

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men

and

1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,

so they decided that one had to leave,

because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person,

until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,

because,

as a

woman,

she was used to giving up everything

for her husband and kids

or for

men

in general,

and was used to always making sacrifices

with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,

all 10 men started

CLAPPING!

Another funny from the blog of Liquid illuzion 10.11.2008
wish we could talk

Happy Easter!

DEAR MOM...

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Posted by Liquid illuzion on 7-09-2007

What NOT To Do When Depressed (Top 10)

The last few days I've been in a dark place in my mind. Unfortunately, it doesn't take me long. So I made up this list. It is dark humor, morbid. I just need some humor now, and this does the trick from me. If your sensitive about suicide, or suicidal, you many not want to read this.<= odd sentence.

What NOT To Do When Depressed (Top 10)

10) Take inventory of the meds in your cabinet. Call your local pharmacies and ask him which pill combination would be most lethal.

9) Take longer then usual washing kitchen knifes thinking, "I wonder how sharp this REALLY is."

8) Go up to your republican, redneck, war vet, neighbor who is cleaning his shotgun. Tell him that Pres. Bush was no better then Hitler, and V.P. Cheney is the devil incarnate. Insist that they both should have been impeached. Make sure to tell him that your a communist, gay, and despise America, (wear bright pink, and burn the flag while talking.)

7) When taking a pan out of the oven, don't use oven mitts. Explain to concerned onlookers, "My hands are cold."

6) Call a gun shop, and ask them if they can deliver a RUSH order.

5) Sign up for knife juggling lessons, or start wrestle alligators.

4) Think of getting back with severely mentally ill ex because she is capable of murder. (The local one, not the other nut job.)

3) Repeatedly sing the Theme from M*A*S*H - "Suicide is Painless."

2) Think of a different use for clothespins.

1) Eat huge amounts of burritos, with ex-large bean side order, all smothered with fiery hot sauce. Go into the furnace room and expel massive quantities of gas...then wait.


Disclaimer - Please do not try this at home, ah, or anywhere else.

No comments needed. Don't humor me, I'm being weird, ah, silly.

photo credit

Friday Funnies - Some of Your Posts!

I read some crazy, um, ridiculously funny posts lately. I laughed out loud at each of them. I think you will too....


Klingon Robber Uses Bat'leth (by dmarks)

Why I'm a Lesbian: Reason # 481 (by Sinnerviewer)

0007 James BondCat (by Speedcat Hollydale)


Thanks for the laughs!



Photo Credit

Friday Funnies (um on Monday)

I know it's not Friday, but I need a laugh. Maybe you could use one too? ;)


Nice Gazongas
By Gigglepixie (hey go visit her!)

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice gazongas,” says the man. “Where do you want these blinds?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do not have a hickey!
by Awake

I'm doing fine, but I do not have a hickey! My nails are longer then usual, and I guess a bit jagged. Yesterday I had an itch on my neck, and scratched it. Today it looks like a hickey. I went on the bus trip today with a bunch of senior citizens, so I kept on pulling the collar of my coat up to hide it. One lady kept looking back to talk to the couple in front of me. When she did I turned my head towards the window so she couldn't see it. No folks, I didn't get lucky. I just had an itch, and scratched it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Old Gay Man
from: The Joke Yard

What a drag it is getting old...

When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"

He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."

I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"

And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harold Lloyd - Girl Shy




Special thanks to Gigglepixie for letting me use her joke! ;) Hey go visit her! click here.

Sheep Dash - Game

I found this cute game at Lady Banana's Blog. Test your reaction time by trying to tranquillize the sheep when they leave the line. My score was "Bobbing Bobcat."

Hey, drop on by and say hello to Lady Banana. She's the top banana with me! ;)


Sheep Dash

Friday Funnies: Dear Darling...

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it is not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife

P.S. OH.......AND, YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!

From the Blog of Liquid illuzion posted on 10-13-07

Friday Funnies - Dear Abby

This joke is a bit dated, but a good one...

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke {{{{whatever}}}} while cruising around and "bull shiting" with his buddies,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed:
Clueless

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Clueless:

Put on your "Big" girl panites and
Grow up!
Dump him!

Good grief woman!

You don't need him anymore!

{{{DUH}}}

You're a Senator from New York,

AND...

you're running for President of the United States!
It is "HIGH TIME", you begin to act like it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This joke is from.... I'll give you 3 guesses...the blog of Liquid Illuzion. Please visit her. She has some hilarious posts! "Liquid isn't here right now, but please leave a message at the sound of the beep & she'll get back to you... EVENTUALLY ...Beep!."

The idea for this "Friday Funnies" series has been stolen from Momma Mia, Mea Culpa So please visit her before she sues me. ;)

Sugar Snap Peas (Poem Meme)

Folks, I was very fortunate to get a good guest poet to write this poem. Guess who the poet is? Before I write the poem, let me explain how this came about. Actually, it's a bit complicated so with Jaffer's permission the majority of "The Story" has been taken from his post. He explained it well.

The Story

Olga the Travelling Bra, Jaffer, and I were talking about Sugar Snap Peas yesterday on Twitter, which all started from Jenn’s post about a salad bar in la-la land. Besides being busy globe-trotting, Olga wants everybody to toss that bag of chips out the window and start eating healthy.

One way to begin is to try a bag of Sugar Snap Peas. And because Olga wants you to at least try some, Jaffer proposed that we do a meme. But what kind of meme ?
I suggested writing a short poem and Jaffer jumped on the idea.

So if you are seeking a healthier life and add your artistic creativity to that, then grab a bag of sugar snaps and try your hand in composing a sonnet or a quatrain or an ode describing your experiences.

Make it funny, romantic or sarcastic, we want to see them all !

Need more inspiration ? Read Olga’s poem ! And Jaffer's poem too!

Here is the poem by the mystery poet. Can you guess who s/he is?

Sugar Snap peas
You are such a tease
Your green crunchy yum
Makes me full in the tum
But one too many makes it
all fall out my bum.

A special note of thanks to Jeffer & the mystery poet who essentially wrote this post. ;o)

Redneck Playstation...

CLICK HERE TO PLAY


This post has been stolen from LIQUID ILLUZION so please go over, and visit her before she sues me! Honestly, she has one of the coolest blogs that I've ever seen!

photo credit

SNL's Tina Fey Kidnapped!

Breaking News: It has been confirmed, Saturday Night Live's Tina Fey has been kidnapped by Gov. Sarah Palin. Palin who was dressed scantily in a bikini is holding Fey hostage in Alaska. Palin was seen holding a hockey stick aimed at Fey's head. For some reason Fey was forced to take off her blouse, and play the accordion. Fey who was force feed moose burgers was told they came from "Bullwinkle the Moose." (Moose is missing.) When asked why she was only wearing a bikini in -20 degree weather, Palin refreshed her lipstick, struck a pose, and said that she could see Russia from her window, and that they could see her. Her husband Todd was seen snowmobiling in circles behind her.

Palin originally asked V.P. Dick Cheney to kidnap her then changed her mind saying that Fey's face was to pretty to get riddled with buckshot. Cheney has been hiding in Alaska ever since his popularity reached negative numbers.

SNL: Tina Fey as Sarah Palin (Video)

On Saturday Night Live first skit - Tina Fey as Sarah Palin & Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton address the nation. It's a riot! It was the only great skit. Usually SNL Season Premiers are great, this one was disappointing. Senator Obama canceled because of hurricane Ike, also disappointing. This video priceless!

SNL - Palin / Hillary Open

Sarah Palin Jokes

Yeah, I'm trying to lighten up. ;o)

"Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years; here's one that could do it!" --Jay Leno

"And the big guns are out. The Democrats have sent Hillary to Florida to go after Sarah Palin. So, that makes two Clintons trying to nail her now." --Jay Leno

"Today President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do." –Jay Leno

"But the greatest insult was yet to come. Republicans — those anti-woman, patriarchal Neanderthalian gun-clingers — nominated a woman whom Democrats would call a "Stepford wife," except she'd beat them to a bloody pulp with a moose antler."

"It's true, John McCain's running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters?" --David Letterman


Sources
About.com:PoliticalHumor
USA TODAY: Opinion Feminist template obliterated

The owner of this blog is a bipartisan offender.

Blog Award Time!

I have two blog awards to pass out.

The first is to my good blog buddy Lady Banana. She recently amazed me because she vacationed in Greece, and purposely left her computer at home! She's a dedicated blogger so I know that was difficult for her. I give her this "Vacationing Banana" Award!

--------------------------------
I was given this very cute award from Lady Banana. Thanks LB!
If you don't see anything, or have trouble with the photo click here.



I'd like to pass this award on to the following ...

• about a nurse
• Against the Grain
• And So It Goes On
• As The Pump Turns
• dcr Blogs
• Debo Hobo dot com
• Dr. Deb
• eastcoastlife
• Fat Doctor
• Health Psych
• laurensfitness.com
• Living Our Dream
• Moments Of Randomness
• Momma Mia, Mea Culpa
• Odd Planet
• Sheep and Goats
• Spiritual Brush Strokes
• the isle of kevin
• Way Khool Sites
• Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Barack Obama to Appear On SNL Tomorrow

Barack Obama will make an appearance on "Saturday Night Live." It will be the senators second appearance. The Seasons Premiere will be this Saturday Sept. 13. SNL will be hosted by Olympian Michael Phelps. Alum Tina Fey may play Gov. Palin.

This ought to be a good one folks. Usually the Seasons Premiere is especially good. I hope that Fey plays Palin, she is a shoe in. Obama who has been virtually pushed off the radar by Palin needs to make a come back. Will this be it?


The photo is of Obama's first appearance on SNL in November where he played himself in a Halloween Party skit.