“An Apology” – A Response

I’ve received an e-mail from my Ex. Not only did she e-mail me, but she posted the e-mail on her blog with some comments. She mentioned in the post that she will have more post/s on the topic in the future. I will not dignify the e-mail by posting it on my blog, but will only post my response. You will get the gist. Her childish games will hopefully be finished as of today! I’m sick of this! I know that she will read this post. I hope that she will take it to heart and end her foolishness.

The following is a copy of my response to her e-mail…

Beth,

You’re sorry for your “cruel words/posts towards” me “in 2007 and 2008”? What about you’re cruel words/posts from 2009 to now? How can you apologize for something that you continue to do? Nothing has changed. You continue obsessing about me. I believe that your e-mail and blog post are yet another attention getting tactic to draw my eyes to your blog.

It spooked me when I read that you pray for me “every day”. Obviously you think about me daily and still obsess on me. Ek! You continue blogging about me mainly rehashing our relationship of 20 years ago, however, I rarely think of you now. I’ve moved on. I’ve let go. I suggest that you do the same. I’m rarely behind a computer, and I’m getting out and about these days. I’m living real life, in real time, and not focusing on the past. I highly recommend it!

I’ve recognized some time ago that I could not have any type of relationship with you because your mental problems are far worse than I anticipated. I just don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve kept the door open, but no longer. It just seems to feed your obsession and neurosis. Beth, move on! Let go! Do not contact me ever again! Stop writing posts about me! Move on!

I will always remember you as the sweet, nice, sociable, nervous, lady of 20 years ago who loved me. Not as you are now. I wish you well.

DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN!

Good-bye

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Related Posts: To the Uncomplimentary Blogger and Therapy and Me
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Peek-A-BOO!

I’m just popping in for a quick update. I want to thank those of you who have contacted me asking when I’ll start blogging again. Well, I still don’t have a computer and it’s difficult to maintain a blog using the library computer. So I don’t think I’ll resume my blog until I can afford one.

I’m doing well. No depression in sight for quite a long while. However, I have lost my “professional distance”, concerning patients. This means that I sympathize with them too much. Not a good thing when you’re a Nurses Aide. I could start crying and getting depressed again. I might have to switch careers. So I’m still working things out. I’m still battling the results of depression and reaction to the sudden deaths of my 3 relatives. I find that it’s easy to fall, but much harder to get up.

My MSW shrink seem to help some, but he is very limited. Some people told me about “tools” that my shrink would give me to help with depression. But 98% of the time he just tells me to get out and about, also to make real time new friends. (I lost friends when I quit my job.) I have to get a new shrink due to a change in my health insurance. Maybe that’s a good thing. He is easy to talk to though.

I’m doing good health wise. I’ve maintained my weight loss of about 50 lbs, but have not lost any more. I have to get back to it now that the weather is nice. Today will be a beautiful day, 80 degrees (27c) and sunny, a good day for a brisk walk.

Same-sex marriage passed in New York State! Hallelujah! We became the sixth state to do so and are the largest by far. They expect same-sex marriages to double in the country! I would love to see the first gay couple get married in my state. But I’m sure I’m not the only one. I would love to say that it ends discrimination, but some jerk in line was spouting off the other day. He said “next people will be marrying animals”. Also, “in the old testament they killed gays”. One lady with children spoke up and said, “Do you have to talk about it here?” She was obviously upset. I never know how to respond to prejudice. At lest someone spoke up. Others had disgusted looks on their faces.

Bravo to Republican Senator Jim Alesi (Rochester area) for being the first Republican to vote for same-sex marriage!

Well, see you later folks!

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Related post: I'll be back in Spring?

I'll be back in Spring?

I've been off-line. My old computer died. I've been trying to keep in touch by using the library computer and my not so smart, smart phone.

Unfortunately my smart phone hasn't helped much. I either couldn't see or log into 1/3 of the blogs on my blog roll. I couldn't see many of your pictures, etc. It was also unreliable with a ton of error signs, etc. In other words my smart phone was too unreliable and inadequate for blogging and commenting on blogs. Therefore, I have decided not to renew my smart phone in January and to put the money towards necessitates like food instead.

As for using the library computer, although Rochester hasn't had any real major snow storms, it's been an unusually cold and snowy winter. Rochester broke the December snowfall record. Like most Rochesterians, I've been hibernating this winter and so have rarely gone to the library.

I might be back in spring or summer, but frankly it's very difficult to maintain a blog and stay in touch with my blog buddies without a computer. Hopefully I'll be back soon. I hope you don't take me off your blog roll, Twitter, etc.

I want to thank all my blog buddies especially those on my blog roll. Everyone on my blog roll has enriched my life in one way or another. When I first started this blog I never thought I could have real friends by blogging, but I now believe that I have found some. A HUGE THANKS to EVERYONE on my blog roll for enriching my life!!!

I'll check my blog responses and email in a few weeks, and then I'll be off-line for winter. Have a nice winter!

P.S. I'm still seeing a counselor and working to get my life back on track after years of depression. As always prayers and/or good thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Happy New Year! - A Barefoot Holiday

I've found Barefoot Wine and will have Barefoot Bubbly Moscato Spumante Champagne and Zinfandel this New Year Eve. I've never tried them. The Pinot Noir is good. I'm packing on the pounds, so will have to put my shoes back on soon, but for now I will enjoy. ;)

Happy Holidays!

I saw these cute cards yesterday and bought some. This weekend I'm making out Christmas cards and setting up and decorating my little Christmas tree. I'm not going to any parties this year due to anxiety and remnants of depression. I'm doing better, but my life hasn't snapped back into place. It takes time folks. I don't' do well with large groups of people these days.

This weekend I'll light a candle and say a prayer for the friends and family of Jeri Suzanne Horne (Liquid Illuzion). It's hard to believe that it's been two years since we lost her.

Rochester will soon break the record for the most snow in December. The record is 46.2 inches (1.17 meters). We are less than 2" away! I guess I'll soon be using a dog sled to get around. Mush!

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas to ALL and to ALL a good night!

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Libra, Love of My Life (part 2 of 2)

Introduction

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This is the second part and conclusion of "Libra, Love of my Life". If you haven't read my first post please do so, or this will not make sense. In the 1980's I would meet Libra and have a 7 year relationship with her. This is the true story in a nutshell. To protect identities I have changed names, blurred dates, and omitted physical descriptions, etc. I wrote each small chapter as one paragraph in order to prevent this from being 3 parts. I also wrote this using two different computers so some chapters may appear different. I hope that you pay attention to the spirit of what I say rather than the form. This post is the second of two and the conclusion.
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The Ring
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When it was all falling apart, when I knew that Libra would leave me soon, I gave her a ring. I couldn't afford anything extravagant on a nurse aide salary, but I did my best. I bought it from a reputable fine jeweler. It was lovely, a 10k gold band with her favorite gemstone and small diamonds. It was something that I should have given to her a year or two prior. I wasn't trying to keep Libra. I knew that she would leave me soon. I just wanted her to have one final small token of my love and appreciation. She gladly accepted it.

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The Inconsiderate Blow

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Libra reveled to me in an uncharacteristically harsh manor that she was sleeping with Sally. She rubbed it in my face. I burst into tears weeping like a baby as Libra held me. She had finally gotten what she wanted, the end of our relationship. But she didn't have to tell me in that way. All she needed to do was merely tell me that she was sleeping with Sally and I would have left her. Apparently she didn't realize that.

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Saving the Cake

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When Libra and I broke up I was heartbroken. It was the loneliest time in my life even until today. I felt unbearably lonely. Libra and I talked, we acknowledged that we were very best friends and we both wanted to save the friendship, (the cake). We decided to continue to see each other, but as friends only. There was nothing physical. We continued to see each other very intermittently for 3 years. Every time her girlfriend protested we had to stop seeing each other for awhile. So it was on and off contingent upon Libra's girlfriend Sally. I couldn't blame Sally, after all Libra was in the habit of getting bored and returning to an ex. I was now an ex and still in Libra's life, but I knew that I would never sleep with Libra again. She wasn't capable of a stable long-term relationship and that was hurtful to me. After an intermittent 3 year friendship I had to say good-bye to Libra. I just couldn't handle it. I don't do well with unstable, inconsistent relationships even in a good friendship. It was too hurtful. Libra and I parted on good terms.

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I Knew This Day Would Come

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Years later Libra would call me because she noticed that a relative of mine had died. She read it in the newspaper obituary section. She offered her condolences, and then the conversation turned. She mentioned that she was in the mist of a 3 year relationship. She asked me if I was "seeing anyone" and if I was "happy". I didn't want to lie, so I just told her that I was "doing just fine", in my most cheerful voice allowing her to assume that I was with someone. Libra sighed a disappointed sounding "Oh". Then she wanted to give me her phone number and rattled off the numbers. I didn't even bother to pick up a pen. It was obvious that she hadn't changed. She still was uncommitted drifting from one ex to the next. I needed more stability then that. Libra was a wonderful person and I cared about her, I just couldn't go through that again. I have never called her, nor will I. My phone number is no longer listed because I only have a call phone now. Perhaps it's just as well.
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Hope for Love In The Future

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I hope to eventually find someone to share my life with. Hopefully I will one day regard Libra as the love of my youth, and another special lady as the love of my, um, more mature years. I am a realist. I've had relationship with different types of women since Libra and am not looking for a carbon copy of her, however, she had some characteristics that I admire and hope to find in someone else. Of course being with someone who is capable of a stable relationship is important to me. Getting along with each other and being compatible is too. So is a strong friendship with mutual admiration, trust, and respect, etc. Id' like enough commonalities to be on the same page. If I ever moved in with a lady it probably wouldn't be in a matter of months, more like years, if ever. Then I might need a "man cave" ;) Right now I'm busy rebuilding my life after losses due to depression so I'm not actively looking for a special lady, yet I don't know who's around the corner. ;)
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Conclusion

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Before I wrote this post I thought in terms of Libra and I having had a 4 year relationship together. However, while I was writing this, and consulting some old calendars, I realized that we actually had 7 years together. It's just that the last 3 years were as Friends, not lover. Now that I'm older and looking back on my life to my precious very best friends that I've had, I count Libra among them. To Libra's credit she gave me about 3 marvelous years of a good stable love relationship before things gradually went down hill. Libra warned me about her commitment issues early on and probably stayed lovers with me longer than she intended for my sake. Libra had many positive attributes including a huge heart. She was truly very "good people". We all have our vices, our flaws, our imperfections. The older I get the more I realize that most people don't change even when they try. The old bad habits and patterns tend to return. I needed a very long-term stable relationship with Libra that she was incapable of providing. However, I recognize that she tried her best. Unfortunately it was an irresolvable impasse. I feel very grateful for the time that we had together and all the wonderful things that we shared. I feel privileged and grateful to have known her and to have been a part of her life. Happiness meant a great deal to Libra and I sincerely hope that she is happy. The song "Something About You", by Level 42 has always reminded me of her. Libra was truly wonderful and remarkable!...Thank you for reading these 2 long posts and for allowing me to share Libra and a bit of my life with you! ;)

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Libra, Love of My Life (part 1 of 2)

I haven’t written much about my exes, but Libra was someone quite wonderful and remarkable. Libra was the love of my life. I’m sure that these 2 posts won’t do her justice, nor articulate how unique and charismatic she was, but I’ll give it a try. In the 1980’s I would meet Libra and have a 7 year relationship with her. This is the true story in a nutshell. To protect identities I have changed names, blurred dates, and omitted physical descriptions, etc. I wrote each small chapter as one paragraph in order to prevent this from being 3 parts. I also wrote this using two different computers so some chapters may appear different in font etc. I hope that you pay attention to the spirit of what I say rather than the form. This post is the first of two.

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Background

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I was in my mid to late 20’s and still a virgin when I met this endearing woman. I had previously graduated from Bible college, and was in denial concerning my sexually. Libra was approximately 10 years my senior. She had several previous relationships with both men and women. She didn’t like labels such as gay, straight, or bi. Libra was easygoing, kind, gentle, confident, charming, attractive, feminine, and compassionate. She was smart with a good memory, and was well educated. She had a fun, effervescent, personality. Her hearty, feminine contagious laughter drew people to her.

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We Were On the Same Page

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Libra and I came from similar backgrounds and had similar views. We were highly compatible. We both liked easy-going, harmonious relationship, but disliked drama and arguing. We worked hard, but played easy preferring relaxing activities. I grew up an only child in the suburbs. Libra also grew up in the suburbs with only one sibling who was considerably older than her. She virtually grew up as an only child too. We were use to solitary, quiet, and space. We never asked each other to move in, nor did we need to explain to each other the need to have our own place to be alone. (To this day I have never had a roommate, except in college). We were both closeted at the time, so we were careful around each other's families. We had mutual admiration and respect. We were comfortable with each other and enjoyed each other's company. We were very best friends. Libra use to say that “sex was the icing on the cake and the cake was our relationship/friendship”. We had a great cake! As for the icing, that was great too. Libra said that she “never had an “O” before she met me". We both enjoyed a lot of good icing and “O”s.

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What Does A Lesbian Couple Do?

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The same thing that heterosexual couples do. In the beginning we would occasionally stay at a nice hotel making love like rabbits. We went on vacations together. She introduced me to Canandaigua, NY which became one of my favorite vacation spots. We visited each other's families during Christmas, and went to Christmas services at church. Libra loved greeting cards so we would often exchange cards, and small gifts. Sometimes we would slow dance in her kitchen after supper. She had a way of starting a joke and passing it to me; I’d add to it and pass it back. It was fun! We sometimes watched T.V. and snuggled together enjoying each other's company. Like most couples we occasionally went out to dinner and/or movie. What we did wasn’t extraordinary, but the person I was with was.

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Not Perfect

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I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, neither were we, but it was very good. In the early months I was having moral conflict over being a Christian and sleeping with a woman. I would sometimes voice my opinion to Libra which made it difficult on us. Libra wasn’t perfect either. She was great at seeing both sides of a conflict and giving good impartial advice, unless she was one of the people in the conflict. Then she acted like she couldn’t see the other person’s point of view. She just wanted to win the argument. Libra had such a good memory that she would quote me verbatim during arguing which would secretly put me in awe of her. Fortunately for me, arguments were rare because she hated arguing as much as I did. Her biggest flaw was her trouble with commitment. She tried to warn me early on saying, “I have difficulty with commitment, however, I’ve had more fun with you than anyone else”. I thought that the fun factor would make me the acceptation to the rule. I thought wrong.

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Boredom Set In

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Around our third year together Libra slowly pulled away from me. She was starting to act bored with me, and didn’t want to be with me as often. Sex which had been frequent in the beginning was now rare. This happened gradually over time. Meanwhile, my feelings towards Libra never wavered. I still loved her and wanted to be with her. I believed that I would spend the rest of my life with her. On one occasion Libra told me that she had only slept with a handful of people. She would be with someone for 2-3 years break-up then go back to a former lover. She did this repeatedly. I think she told me this to prepare me. Eventually one day Libra told me that we should have an “open relationship" so that I could date others. She said that it would “be good for me since I was in my 20’s and had only slept with one person. Also I might find a man which would be more acceptable to my family and religion” However, I knew that she wanted an open relationship for her own sake, not mind, yet I never voiced my belief. Eventually I reluctantly agreed to an open relationship. However, I purposed in my heart not to sleep with anyone else, even if Libra denied me sex. I would remain faithful to Libra.
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The Last Piece of the Puzzle

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Time went by. We had now been together 4 years. Libra's restlessness and boredom had reached its peak. I watched our relationship slowly deteriorate, sad and frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it. Then one day Libra told me that she "ran into" her ex, Sally. I remember that Libra described Sally as "smart with a great body" Since Libra had a habit of going back to her exes I knew that she and Sally would soon sleep together, ending our relationship. I never expected to be in Libra's life for 3 more years.

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Folks, I hope that you come back for the second post and conclusion of "Libra, Love of My Life." The next chapter title is "The Ring".

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My Thanksgiving Wish

Dear Magical Thanksgiving Wish Turkey,
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My wish for the next Thanksgiving and holidays is to have a girlfriend. Not just any girlfriend, but one that is compatible and such. I want her because holidays are better with someone special.
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Early Thanks, (By the way your cousin tasted delicious)

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Awake

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P.S. If she really likes sex that would be great too! ;)

No More Depression! It’s been one YEAR!

Great news folks, my shrink has told me that I’m not clinically depressed! It’s been about one YEAR since my last episode of depression. Frankly, I think that I started going to him when I was getting better. I didn't want to go to him sooner because when I was depressed I had some dark thoughts that I wouldn't have wanted to share.

He has realized that I’ve gotten better primarily on my own and asked me what has made the difference. Besides all the good thoughts and prayer of good people like you, (thank you!), I believe that my diet in particular has placed a key roll in my recovery. I haven't taken any medication for depression.

For a long while I had to live off the food I got from food cupboard donations. Much of it was canned and boxed highly processed food with a very limited variety of canned vegetables. I rarely got any fresh fruit or vegetables. I’m grateful for what I got, however it wasn’t a very healthy diet. Now that I’m on food stamps, plus have had a health scare, I started to eat a much healthier diet. It's much more balanced nutritionally. I’m eating a diet rich in fresh fruit and vegetables. I’ve also switched to healthy fats/oils like olive oil. I’ve been taking A-Z multiple vitamin and mineral tablets. I also read that serotonin is good for depression so I’ve been eating 1 oz of deluxe mixed nuts and a potato a day. Eating garlic may be helping as well. Although I'm not on the Mediterranean diet, my diet is similar. I'm sure that exercise like walking has helped me too, although I have not been consistent.

I’m aware that I’m not out of the woods. Depression is like having a severe injury that is prone to re-injury. In other words depression is a weakness that can return. I have to stay vigilant in my fight against it and do what I can to maintain the ground that I’ve gained. I’ve chosen to keep seeing a shrink, (believe it or not). I think that he has helped a bit, but honestly not nearly as much as I thought he should have. Due to a change in my health care insurance I will need to drop him and get a new shrink. Hopefully the new shrink will be more effective. Right now I’m just very happy that I’m no longer in depression!

By the way, eatting healthy has had other benifits. I have lost 47 pounds so far.

For more information on the link between diet and depression read...

Depression Guide, Depression and Diet by WebMD

and Nutrition: Lower Depression Risk Linked to Mediterranean Diet by The New York Times

photo credit

Leukemia's little dance with me

"Leukemia is cancer of the blood cells that starts in the bone marrow." Doctors have been telling me for about 10 months that I might have leukemia. CML was the main suspect. It has been a long year.

It all started with flu like symptoms, leg pain, wheezing, and a low grade fever that lasted months. I asked my Homer Simpson like doctor for an H1N1 test, but he said I wasn't "sick enough". He didn't even examine me. Blood tests were taken and a high white blood cell (WBC) count was found, (leukocytosis). I was sent to an oncologist at Strong hospital, and so leukemia's little dance with me began.

Next came a parade of doctors and exams. Within 10 months I averaged one doctor's visit per month, had 6 series of blood tests, a CAT-Scan, an ultrasound, an endometrial biopsy, a bone marrow biopsy, and a partridge in a pear tree. Why didn't my oncologist tell me from the start that the bone marrow biopsy/aspiration was the only true test to diagnosis leukemia? I would have had it sooner!

About 2 weeks ago I walked into Strong's Wilmot Cancer Center and took a seat close to the door. I never sat that close to the clinics entrance before, but this was D-Day; the day of my bone marrow biopsy results. The day I would FINALLY have a definitive answer as to whether or not I had leukemia. I wanted this appointment to be over with quickly.

Someone wheeled a woman in a wheelchair near the seat next to mine. She stood, walked a few steps and plopped down into it. She was thin, pale, shaking, and was wearing a scarf that didn't fully cover her bald head. I figured that she was having chemotherapy treatments, or had just finished.

Another lady came over and sat down to my right. She had good color in her face, but less than an inch of hair growth on her head. She smiled easily and had a spring in her step. I surmised that she probably had finished chemo treatments with favorable results.

I sat between these two unique ladies wondering if I would be joining their exclusive club that day; a club that my mother had once belonged to. My mother suffered with cancer for 9 years. I'm approximately the same age that my mother was when she died of cancer. This was all too real to me.

Time passed. Both ladies were called before I was. 45 minutes after my scheduled appointment I was finally called into the clinic. I followed the aide inside. A quick right turn, sat in the chair, stuck out my arm for the B.P. cuff, all before she could finish her instructions. I hated that I knew the routine by heart. I was weighted. Yay, another half pound lost! Then I went on to the examination room. The examination room was the same one that I had been in several times before, but it seemed so much smaller now.

I was a bit nervous, but not nearly as much as in the past several days. A relative who sometimes accompanied me couldn't make it that day. I was glad. I wanted to hear the news alone. In the beginning I didn't tell anyone that I might have cancer. Eventually I told a relative who has cancer and could relate. I guess I just didn't want to be pitied or regarded differently. Cancer or not, I am still me.

15 minutes later my oncologist entered the room. She blurted it out. "Your bone marrow biopsy was negative." "No leukemia? I asked. "No leukemia and it looked normal. No disease. You may have had an infection which elevated you WBC count. It has reduced, but still is slightly high. I believe that you have a high normal." she explained.

Fortunately I no longer had to see my oncologist. I said good-bye to my oncologist forever and hoped that I would never see the inside of a cancer clinic again. It seems that leukemia's little dance with me was finally over. I was one of the lucky ones, but I was painfully aware that it could have gone another way. The older I get the more random things like this seem.

You'd think that I'd feel happy, or relieved, but I didn't. I felt angry. Very angry! This all started with flu like symptoms including a wheeze and fever. When I went to my Dr. Homer Simpson during the H1N1 outbreak he refused to test me for it. He said I wasn't "sick enough". He should have at least given me a checkup. Apparently I did have some kind of virus that affected my lungs. Later it showed up on my CAT-Scan as cloudiness in both lungs. The conclusion note said that it was probably an "infection or asthma". It also showed up as a high WBC count. If my doctor had been on the ball, he would have diagnosed it and I would have avoided 10 months of hell. D'OH!

I can't even talk to my counselor about my anger. My counselor has worked with my doctor in the past. Every time I say something negative, he defends my doctor. I canceled my next session. Repressed anger in me tends to turn into depression. What do you do when you're angry or frustrated? How do you let off steam?

Currently I'm dealing with many feelings that I'm trying to sort out. I'm trying to get some prospective on things. I also still feel a connection with leukemia patients that I don't want to quickly disconnect from. I wonder if there is some purpose for this connection. In the next few months I have to follow-up with some doctors concerning medial crap including a few exams. I'm not really concerned. I figure that if the average person my age had all the tests I've had, they would probably find a few things wrong with them too. Hopefully nothing significant will be found.

So that's a synopsis of leukemia's little dance with me. It's been odd, eye opening, heartbreaking, frustrating, all too real at times. But it hasn't been fun.

Again, I want to thank all those who have left me kind comments, sent prayer, good thoughts/vibes. Thanks so very much for caring! I appreciate it!

By the way, a good book on the subject is, "100 Questions and Answers About Leukemia" (second edition) by Edward D. Ball.

My Bone Marrow Biopsy Results

I've been meaning to post something; I have just been so emotional that it's been difficult. Also so much has been going on medically for almost a year that it's difficult to put into words. I've written 3 drafts to a post and they are all a bit different. I just have to wait until my emotions settle down a bit and until I can put it into some proper words. But for now I just wanted to get back to you with the good news. My bone marrow biopsy/aspiration was negative! They didn't find any disease. I no longer have to see that specialist. I'll tell you more later once I get my head together. My sincere thanks goes out to each of you who has cared, prayed, set out good thoughts/vibes, and left a kind comment. It has met a great deal to me! It's been a very difficult year. I'll explain more soon.

My Bone Marrow Biopsy, (When in doubt, take dope)

I’m so very, very, glad that I asked to be medicated for my bone marrow biopsy! What was supposed to be a 15 minute “exam” lasted an hour and fifteen minutes.

The physicians assistant (P.A.) was suppose to poke a huge needle into my hip bone taking a marrow sample, then chip off a sample of my bone. The problem was that my bone was “hard” and gave her a fight. She tried 2 or 3 times at the first sight. Then she had to pull the needle out, and stuck me at another site. It took another few tries before she got a sample. Ek! My poor, dear, hip bone was just doing what bones are supposed to do, be hard and protect. The poor baby.

The good news is that I probably don’t have osteoporosis. The bad news is that the procedure took five times as long. I’m so very glad I asked to be doped up, (sedative and pain meds). No way in hell would I have been able to go through all that without meds.

Folks, when it comes to exams, procedures, and operations, if there is any doubt in your mind, then play it safe! Go conservative. Do what you need to do to get through it.

By the way, having ready-to-eat food on hand for the next few days was a good idea. I was so doped up when I got home that I didn’t dare turn the stove on. A premade half a turkey sub, salad, and protein bar was perfect for the first night. The homemade beef stew loaded with healthy veggies was perfect for the next few nights.

Well, my poor hip bone and I survived the ordeal, but neither of us wants to do it again. A result of the exam is pending. (I can’t believe that they call it an exam, it was an in hospital operation as far as I’m concerned.)

You should have seen me. I asked my relative, (who drove me home), where my purse was. She replied, “On your shoulder”. Talk about doped up! I think that I staggered into my apartment. It would have made a funny video if taped.

Personal Update - Seeing the Finish Line (I Hope)

I still don't have a computer and have to post at the library which is cramping my style. This was written a few days ago.

I've been very busy with medical stuff. The highlight of my weekend was hearing that Columbus Day is on Monday, and my doctor's office will be closed. Hallelujah! My counselor says that my life rotates around medical stuff now, and it's like a full time job. He's right! I've scheduled everything for the next few months hoping to finish before Christmas. I will have seen 4 different doctors and have various tests including THE TEST. Yes, they are finally testing me on Oct 21 to see if I have that horrible disease. Then I get the results early in November. The test is a bone marrow biopsy. It's evasive, and barbaric. They screw a large needle into the bone and extract some marrow. Honestly, what sadistic person conceived of this test? Sheesh! I asked them to knock me out for the test. (I'm a big baby!)

From my CAT Scan (Meow!) and extensive blood test they found a few other things that don't look perfect. That's why I'm seeing a boat load of doctors. So far, so good. The worst that they have found to date is a non-cancerous fibroid in my uterus that probably needs removing. (My OB-GYN is on my list of doctors to see.) Fibroids are very common in women and I have a history of them. So no big deal.

I figure it's all relative. I mean if they picked a 50ish woman out of a crowd at random and put her thought a battery of tests like I've had, they would probably find several small things wrong with her too. Hey, nobodies perfect! Right!?

Today's Columbus Day and I'll veg out and relax before I resume the medical marathon. I need a break.

I feel very good, and am eating healthy. I've lost a nice chunk of weight form proper eating. (I have more to go.) I don't have any pain. My doctor doesn't think that I have that horrible disease, (neither do I), but the bone marrow biopsy is the only way to know for sure. My white blood cell count has come down a bit, but is still high (Leukocytosis). I hope and pray to be done with all this medical crap before Christmas. I'd greatly appreciate your prayers and/or good thoughts!!!

Personal Update & Random Thoughts

Cinnamon sprinkles in coffee smells and tastes wonderful!
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I'm doing well and feeling good. I'm eating healthy, and have lost a nice chunk of weight. I haven't had an episode of depression in about 8 months. This is a miracle considering that I'm out of work and have ongoing medical testing. I thank God that the depression has abated. I believe that It has something to do with healthy eating. Mmm veggies! My counselor is surprised that I'm doing so well. However, I don't think I'm out of the words yet. I’m working with my counselor to take small steps toward mental wellness. Physical tests are scheduled for the next few months. Your prayers and good thoughts are greatly appreciated. I hope they don't find any disease.

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I have a wonderful family. Sometimes I think that my aunt is an angel. She’s very caring and knows just what to say.

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I’ll be glad when Gray’s Anatomy returns on Sept. 23^rd. It’s one of the few good T.V. shows on non cable T.V. It’s cathartic because I often cry as I relate to Meredith Gray.

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Televangelists seem stuck in the 50’s or 80’s at best. Their teaching techniques, songs, and sermons, are stuck in the past. They basically have two teaching styles, they preach from the pulpit, or a few people sit and chat. They could learn a lot from Dr. Wayne Dyer who uses a mixture of lecture, multi-media, modern songs, short stories, and short testimonies form guests, all with a modern flavor. Why can’t they recognize that they are losing the younger generation and upgrade?
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Does it bother anyone else that God killed so many people and so often in the Old Testament? I hate killing. Little wonder that I consider myself a New Testament gal.
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This Rochester summer is beautiful if you like it hot. We have had lots of weather in the 80’s. We only had a handful of days in the early 90s. We have hard winters, but the other seasons are lovely! Temperatures are moderating nicely now, and I’m looking forward to a colorful, beautiful, refreshing, autumn.

Pondering The Pussy

CAT Scan test results are in, and I'm pondering them. The good news is that I'm in no immediate danger. Nothing horrible appeared. The bad new is that they found one or two new things that may, or may not be serious. It's unknown at this time.

Nothing conclusive. No diagnoses. Not one definite answer to date. And they have not ruled out that horrible disease that I could have. It is very frustrating! I have to have more tests, and see 3 doctors now, starting on Thursday.

Are you tired of all this? I sure am! I hope that what I have is curable, or at lest highly manageable. I also hope that they get to the bottom of this soon. Good thoughts/prays are always appreciated.

What's New Pussycat by Tom Jones <-- Click on this

Personal Update - Incompetent Knucklehead!

Incompetent Knucklehead! - I had a telephone interview with my Food Stamp social worker. She said that she had received my paperwork, that it was in order and I would continue to get Food Stamps. That was a month ago. A few days ago I got a letter from her stating that she had never received my paperwork, and that my Food Stamps will be cut off on July 31st. I have a receipt for the paperwork and mailed a copy to her. I hope it sparks her memory. It would be nice to have money for food. Please say it with me... INCOMPETENT KNUCKLEHEAD!

Inspection Time - Every year we have inspection at my apartment complex. I save way too many things. Where did all this junk come from? I'm trashing most of it. Clean, clean, clean. Anyone want to dust?

My Mysterious Disease (The Plot Thickens) - My doctor found a hard spot in my tummy area when he examined me. Last night's Chinese dinner? I wish! The spot is sore and I've been aware of it. My CAT SCAN is scheduled for Wednesday July 28th. Please pray/send good thoughts that it's something very minor and curable!

Cell/Web Telephone is OFF - I didn't renew my Straight Talk phone this month. It updated itself and screwed itself up. At first I couldn't get Face Book, then Twitter. Now I'm using my free government Safe Link phone instead. Hm, I wonder if Pres. Obama is listening in on me? He would hear me calling my social worker an incompetent knucklehead. Because my not so smart phone is off, I won't be online as much. I'll post occasionally on the library computer, but have to use it primarily for job seeking. My counselor also wants me out and about more. Hey, it's summer! A great time for being outside. I'll still try to keep in touch. I don't want to lose you folks so don't forget me.

One Big Cucumber! - Does it look suspicious when a woman buys one big cucumber and nothing else at the supermarket? Um, just wondering. ;)

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Homosexuality Similar to Alcoholism?

Several Christians throughout the years have told me that they equate homosexuality to alcoholism. The message to me is that they believe that being a homosexual is sinful and addictive like alcoholism, a stand a bit less harsh then what is preached at some pulpits. It is met to be consoling, (believe it or not). I understand what they mean because I grew up in a “Full Gospel” conservative Christian church. However, in a way it is a backhanded slap in the face.

I do not believe that homosexuals or the act of homosexuality is sinful. I’m a Bible College graduate, and have studied the Bible on this subject using study helps that are acceptable to conservative Christians. That doesn't mean that you have to come to the same conclusion, but at least make a good study of with an open heart, and mind before you speak on the subject to a homosexual. Telling a homosexual that homosexuality is sinful and similar to alcoholism is like telling someone who is divorced and remarried that they are sinning and committing adultery. Or telling a fat person that they are a glutton and sinning, (thin people can be gluttons and not all fat people are). Making statements like these are rude, judgmental, divisive, and just plain wrong!

The Bible may be written in black and white, but it is difficult to interpret. The Bible is 66 books written by about 40 authors over a period of approximately 1500 years. It was written in a different time, county, language, and very different customs. Studying the Bible and being familiar with these differences are imperative to understand it.

Some people pick up the Bible and read it believing that they can understand it that way. However, proper interpretation is in the studying. In order to understand the Bible you have to go back to the original languages, customs, keep it in context, etc. I’ve written about this before (see links below) and don’t want to get into a discussion concerning dogma, like I did in other posts (see links below).

I just wanted to remind Christians of a few things when talking to homosexuals and others with whom you may not agree. 1) Be careful not to come across as being to harsh, or judgmental. This attitude can turn some from God and the Church. 2) Study the Bible with an open mind and heart, instead of only reading it. 3) Try to love, and accept the people for who they are. If you can't accept the person, then be honest with yourself and don't befriend them, or you may do more harm then good. Mt.18:6

For more on my views concerning homosexuality, and also tips on how to study the Bible visit the links below-

As a Bible College Graduate, Why Can't You See That Homosexuality is a Sin?

What I Believe About Homosexuality and The Bible.

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Farewell to my Ex

I just want to say a short farewell to my Ex. The one out of state.

We meet again at a time when we were both having significant difficulties. We both said things that we should not have. I apologize for my part. It's a shame that we couldn't find a way to some sort of friendship. We were able to be friends the first 2 times.

I will always fondly remember the sweet lady, and friend of those earlier days.

I notice that you are gone. You have had a difficult life. I'm glad to see that you're doing better. I sincerely wish you well.

~Peace


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Just Call Me Hummingbird!

I’ve been catching myself humming lately, just unconsciously humming a nice tune. It happens often now. It’s a little thing, but something I don’t remember doing during times of depression. It’s another little sign of recovery to me, and a nice thing to have back in my life.
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Click here for Hummingbird by Seals & Crofts (YouTube)
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Personal Update - Getting Healthy Step by Step

Depression is like a bully knocking you down to the ground for no reason at all. Unfortunately, it doesn't take long to be knocked down. But it takes time to get up, and many, many, baby steps to learn how to walk again. I'm taking baby steps, and trying very hard with minimal results so far. But results will come with time. My buddy Meleah Rebeccah got it right with her series "Doing Things Differently". You have to change your bad habits and get new ones in order to change. Many of the changes are small, but will result in significant positive results over time. Small steps. I want to have a health, and normal life again. Small steps!

Good News! - It's been about 8 months since I've had an episode of depression! I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm working hard trying to keep depression at bay.

I've Changed My Eating Habits - About a year ago I was living on processed, starchy, high calorie, pantry food (donated). Since I got food-stamps, and a health scare, I've been eating good healthy food. Including lots of veggies, plus a daily vitamin. I'm trying to get healthy, or at least give my body what it needs to fight the disease that I have. (Whatever that is)

Walkies - I'm staring to go on short walks. Wow, am I out of shape! The walks are short now, but distance will increases in time.

Counseling - The guy is alright. I'm learning how to work with him. I've learned that he is unfocused, and tends to forget. So I need to stress what I need, and he comes up with helpful ideas.

Getting Out More - I'm getting out and about more. My counselor wants me to mingle with people more, and also do things that interest me. Admittedly, I have to work on this. More activity opportunities will come in summer. At least I'm getting out a little more.

May I Go Back To Work? - When I asked my counselor this question, he said that I wasn't ready. However, I think that if I got just the right type of job, he might change his mind. I'm going to work on this with him. I hope to go back to work soon. Otherwise, I'll have to get a lawyer and apply for disability with takes more than 6 months to kick in. Then the first 6 months are the lawyers fees. Ek! The system isn't set up to help people.

Why Are You Doing So Well Depression Wise? - My counselor asked this. I possibly could have a terrible disease, and my aunt died recently, but I'm doing good. I think that part of it is eating a much healthier diet, and taking vitamins. Also a part are YOUR prayers and good thoughts. Thanks a ton! Please keep sending them. Something is working. ~crossing fingers~

I Might Not Be On The Internet Quite As Much - As you can see, my plate is full. Right now I have to considerate on getting healthy, and that takes a lot of time, and work. I won't disappear, but you might not see me around quite as much.