Peek-A-BOO!

I’m just popping in for a quick update. I want to thank those of you who have contacted me asking when I’ll start blogging again. Well, I still don’t have a computer and it’s difficult to maintain a blog using the library computer. So I don’t think I’ll resume my blog until I can afford one.

I’m doing well. No depression in sight for quite a long while. However, I have lost my “professional distance”, concerning patients. This means that I sympathize with them too much. Not a good thing when you’re a Nurses Aide. I could start crying and getting depressed again. I might have to switch careers. So I’m still working things out. I’m still battling the results of depression and reaction to the sudden deaths of my 3 relatives. I find that it’s easy to fall, but much harder to get up.

My MSW shrink seem to help some, but he is very limited. Some people told me about “tools” that my shrink would give me to help with depression. But 98% of the time he just tells me to get out and about, also to make real time new friends. (I lost friends when I quit my job.) I have to get a new shrink due to a change in my health insurance. Maybe that’s a good thing. He is easy to talk to though.

I’m doing good health wise. I’ve maintained my weight loss of about 50 lbs, but have not lost any more. I have to get back to it now that the weather is nice. Today will be a beautiful day, 80 degrees (27c) and sunny, a good day for a brisk walk.

Same-sex marriage passed in New York State! Hallelujah! We became the sixth state to do so and are the largest by far. They expect same-sex marriages to double in the country! I would love to see the first gay couple get married in my state. But I’m sure I’m not the only one. I would love to say that it ends discrimination, but some jerk in line was spouting off the other day. He said “next people will be marrying animals”. Also, “in the old testament they killed gays”. One lady with children spoke up and said, “Do you have to talk about it here?” She was obviously upset. I never know how to respond to prejudice. At lest someone spoke up. Others had disgusted looks on their faces.

Bravo to Republican Senator Jim Alesi (Rochester area) for being the first Republican to vote for same-sex marriage!

Well, see you later folks!

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Related post: I'll be back in Spring?

No More Depression! It’s been one YEAR!

Great news folks, my shrink has told me that I’m not clinically depressed! It’s been about one YEAR since my last episode of depression. Frankly, I think that I started going to him when I was getting better. I didn't want to go to him sooner because when I was depressed I had some dark thoughts that I wouldn't have wanted to share.

He has realized that I’ve gotten better primarily on my own and asked me what has made the difference. Besides all the good thoughts and prayer of good people like you, (thank you!), I believe that my diet in particular has placed a key roll in my recovery. I haven't taken any medication for depression.

For a long while I had to live off the food I got from food cupboard donations. Much of it was canned and boxed highly processed food with a very limited variety of canned vegetables. I rarely got any fresh fruit or vegetables. I’m grateful for what I got, however it wasn’t a very healthy diet. Now that I’m on food stamps, plus have had a health scare, I started to eat a much healthier diet. It's much more balanced nutritionally. I’m eating a diet rich in fresh fruit and vegetables. I’ve also switched to healthy fats/oils like olive oil. I’ve been taking A-Z multiple vitamin and mineral tablets. I also read that serotonin is good for depression so I’ve been eating 1 oz of deluxe mixed nuts and a potato a day. Eating garlic may be helping as well. Although I'm not on the Mediterranean diet, my diet is similar. I'm sure that exercise like walking has helped me too, although I have not been consistent.

I’m aware that I’m not out of the woods. Depression is like having a severe injury that is prone to re-injury. In other words depression is a weakness that can return. I have to stay vigilant in my fight against it and do what I can to maintain the ground that I’ve gained. I’ve chosen to keep seeing a shrink, (believe it or not). I think that he has helped a bit, but honestly not nearly as much as I thought he should have. Due to a change in my health care insurance I will need to drop him and get a new shrink. Hopefully the new shrink will be more effective. Right now I’m just very happy that I’m no longer in depression!

By the way, eatting healthy has had other benifits. I have lost 47 pounds so far.

For more information on the link between diet and depression read...

Depression Guide, Depression and Diet by WebMD

and Nutrition: Lower Depression Risk Linked to Mediterranean Diet by The New York Times

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Personal Update & Random Thoughts

Cinnamon sprinkles in coffee smells and tastes wonderful!
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I'm doing well and feeling good. I'm eating healthy, and have lost a nice chunk of weight. I haven't had an episode of depression in about 8 months. This is a miracle considering that I'm out of work and have ongoing medical testing. I thank God that the depression has abated. I believe that It has something to do with healthy eating. Mmm veggies! My counselor is surprised that I'm doing so well. However, I don't think I'm out of the words yet. I’m working with my counselor to take small steps toward mental wellness. Physical tests are scheduled for the next few months. Your prayers and good thoughts are greatly appreciated. I hope they don't find any disease.

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I have a wonderful family. Sometimes I think that my aunt is an angel. She’s very caring and knows just what to say.

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I’ll be glad when Gray’s Anatomy returns on Sept. 23^rd. It’s one of the few good T.V. shows on non cable T.V. It’s cathartic because I often cry as I relate to Meredith Gray.

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Televangelists seem stuck in the 50’s or 80’s at best. Their teaching techniques, songs, and sermons, are stuck in the past. They basically have two teaching styles, they preach from the pulpit, or a few people sit and chat. They could learn a lot from Dr. Wayne Dyer who uses a mixture of lecture, multi-media, modern songs, short stories, and short testimonies form guests, all with a modern flavor. Why can’t they recognize that they are losing the younger generation and upgrade?
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Does it bother anyone else that God killed so many people and so often in the Old Testament? I hate killing. Little wonder that I consider myself a New Testament gal.
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This Rochester summer is beautiful if you like it hot. We have had lots of weather in the 80’s. We only had a handful of days in the early 90s. We have hard winters, but the other seasons are lovely! Temperatures are moderating nicely now, and I’m looking forward to a colorful, beautiful, refreshing, autumn.

Just Call Me Hummingbird!

I’ve been catching myself humming lately, just unconsciously humming a nice tune. It happens often now. It’s a little thing, but something I don’t remember doing during times of depression. It’s another little sign of recovery to me, and a nice thing to have back in my life.
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Click here for Hummingbird by Seals & Crofts (YouTube)
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Personal Update - Getting Healthy Step by Step

Depression is like a bully knocking you down to the ground for no reason at all. Unfortunately, it doesn't take long to be knocked down. But it takes time to get up, and many, many, baby steps to learn how to walk again. I'm taking baby steps, and trying very hard with minimal results so far. But results will come with time. My buddy Meleah Rebeccah got it right with her series "Doing Things Differently". You have to change your bad habits and get new ones in order to change. Many of the changes are small, but will result in significant positive results over time. Small steps. I want to have a health, and normal life again. Small steps!

Good News! - It's been about 8 months since I've had an episode of depression! I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm working hard trying to keep depression at bay.

I've Changed My Eating Habits - About a year ago I was living on processed, starchy, high calorie, pantry food (donated). Since I got food-stamps, and a health scare, I've been eating good healthy food. Including lots of veggies, plus a daily vitamin. I'm trying to get healthy, or at least give my body what it needs to fight the disease that I have. (Whatever that is)

Walkies - I'm staring to go on short walks. Wow, am I out of shape! The walks are short now, but distance will increases in time.

Counseling - The guy is alright. I'm learning how to work with him. I've learned that he is unfocused, and tends to forget. So I need to stress what I need, and he comes up with helpful ideas.

Getting Out More - I'm getting out and about more. My counselor wants me to mingle with people more, and also do things that interest me. Admittedly, I have to work on this. More activity opportunities will come in summer. At least I'm getting out a little more.

May I Go Back To Work? - When I asked my counselor this question, he said that I wasn't ready. However, I think that if I got just the right type of job, he might change his mind. I'm going to work on this with him. I hope to go back to work soon. Otherwise, I'll have to get a lawyer and apply for disability with takes more than 6 months to kick in. Then the first 6 months are the lawyers fees. Ek! The system isn't set up to help people.

Why Are You Doing So Well Depression Wise? - My counselor asked this. I possibly could have a terrible disease, and my aunt died recently, but I'm doing good. I think that part of it is eating a much healthier diet, and taking vitamins. Also a part are YOUR prayers and good thoughts. Thanks a ton! Please keep sending them. Something is working. ~crossing fingers~

I Might Not Be On The Internet Quite As Much - As you can see, my plate is full. Right now I have to considerate on getting healthy, and that takes a lot of time, and work. I won't disappear, but you might not see me around quite as much.

Update - Working on Getting Better

Although my updates all sound the same these days, it occurred to me that I'm doing something healthy. I'm working hard to get better both physically and mentally.

Counseling - I give my counselor mixed reviews. On one hand he seems to flounder without focus. However, when I push him, he shows some knowledge. Once again I told him how frightened I was that I might go back into a more severe depression. I mentioned it several times during one session, and he finally heard me. He told me a few things which were helpful. Then gave me homework. Four things to do aimed at keeping me out of severe depression. Not particularly hard things, but practical. Small steps. Well, it's about time! Finally I feel like we might be getting somewhere. However, I would feel better if he had tested me and got a base line to compare. Instead he has an off the cuff, unorganized approach that doesn't get me far fast.

Medical - I've had to push hard to get to see a specialist. I had to push my doctor Homer Simpson like crazy. The specialist is in the mist of testing me. He wants to do a CaT scan, but it will take awhile to get it funded. So I wait for the phone call. However, the specialist did rule out one major disease that I could have had. But he did say that I defiantly should not have abnormal cells in my blood. So the question remains - What is my disease, and is it curable? Hopefully further testing will reveal it.

Now that the depression has lessened I'm trying hard to get better. I pray that God meets me half way.

My Doctor, Homer Simpson

My doctor acted like Homer Simpson today. As you may recall I have been worried about my CBC test results. I have had a high white blood cell count, low grade fever, and some other symptoms for months now. The first CBC test also indicated some possible abnormal cells, but was discarded. So I took another CBC blood test. My doctor was supposed to consult with an hematologist, and let me know about it today. I have been going crazy with worry for the last 3 weeks! I only slept one hour last night.

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I found out today that my doctor hadn't even looked at the new CBC test! As we sat waiting for it, he asked me about my symptoms, fever, and pains that I have been having. He told me that the fever wasn't all that high, and that my symptoms were due to depression. In other words, all in my head. I reminded him that I have been in depression for years, but never had a fever or other symptoms until recently. In fact I have only seen him once a year until now.

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The nurse brought in the CBC result that she just got from the lab. Homer, um, my doctor looked over the results and said that my white blood count was still elevated, and possibly some abnormal cells. He said that it was "cause for concern." Well, DAH!!! I already knew that from the last CBC. He was suppose to consult the hematologist, and tell me his findings today. Now I have to wait another month until he does so. Anyone have some Valium? Well, that's a free clinic for you. Slower then molasses. Um, is there a hematologist out there?

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Related Posts: My Mysterious Illness... AND... Hey Doc., What's My Illness?

The Shrink & I Are Not A Match, plus Depression Update

CBC Test - I'll find out the results in a few days. Meanwhile, I'm going nutz, it's been almost 3 weeks! The vast majority of the time I feel good and am pain free. The low grade fever continues, and I'm monitoring it per doctor. Cross your fingers.

Depression - I FEEL much better. I wish it was spring so I could go for a walk, and enjoy the sun and flowers. I'm still on the depression roller-coaster, but just on the upswing. I know I will come down again, meanwhile I'm looking for an exit sign. By the way, I've been officially out of work per doctor, however, I'm very reluctant to show the doctors note. I feel very uncomfortable being dependant on a doctor, and the shrink to give me permission to return to work. Also even though the note is generalized I'm afraid I will be asked for an explanation and it will get out that I have mental problems.

Da Shrink - I think he means well and cares, but I find him intrusive, intense, and pushy. I'm a private person and need some space. I have opened up a lot in the short time I've been seeing him, but I don't want to disclose everything. He's going to look up some info for me and call me at home. I don't want him calling me at home! It's not urgent. Shouldn't there be some boundaries? How do I tell this guy to take a step back? He is suppose to help me feel less stressed, not more stressed and uncomfortable. Honestly, this guy is more intense than I am. Besides he hasn't dealt with my grief issue which is the source of the depression. I don't think we have a match. Does anyone know a good free shrink in my area? Fortunately our next meeting is on the same day that I see my doctor about the CBC results, so I have a good reason to cancel, and have.

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The Big Bad Shrink

Who's afraid of the big bad shrink, Big bad shrink,
big bad shrink? Who's afraid of the big bad shrink?
Tra la la la la ...

My first meeting went well. He seems nice, and generally concerned. He listened well and had some good comments. He was amazed that I knew why I was messed up, and could list the reasons. I told him that I just didn't know how to get out of the hole of depression. I hope he knows what he's doing. He has an MSW. I hope that his training is adequate.

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He gave me simple homework that made sense, and he is going to check into winter depression (SAD) for me. I told him that I can't afford $100 for a lamp and he will see what else I can do. I'll see him again in two weeks.

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I'm on an upswing. The last few months the depression has lessened. It's a huge relief because I was pretty bad off. It's not gone, (even shrink said that), but it's not as severe. Thank God! I've been in depression long enough to know that it has it's ups, and downs. It's like riding a roller-coaster. I'm on the upswing, but I always go down again. I hope that the shrink can pull me off this roller-coaster. By the way, I'm not on meds. My MD offered, but I don't like the idea.

Please Pray! I've Been Rejected!

SSI-Denied! Medical insurance-Denied! Mental Health help-Denied! Financial help-Denied!

It was some of the worst news I've gotten in the mail. It was declined, not because I was not eligible, (God knows I am), but because I couldn't get to see the doctor that they wanted me to. I called before the appointment to reschedule, but they never returned my call. Also some paperwork that I sent in might have gotten lost. I called my social worker, and even wrote her, but she never got back to me. I think I've been assigned to another social worker.

One of my worst nightmares is that I would reach out for help, but not be able to get it. I hope this isn't my nightmare come true. It looks like I'm falling through the cracks in the system. I will try another social worker. But if I can't get in touch with her, I don't know what I'll do!

It is difficult to advocate for yourself when you are depressed, and don't even feel like getting out of bed sometimes. I've waited till the last moment to seek help. PLEASE pray (or send good thoughts) that I get the help that I need and SOON! I was starting to feel a bit better because I had some hope of being helped. A light at the end of the tunnel. Now that hope is fading.

What would you say to your doctor if...?

I'm finally reaching out for help with depression & anxiety. In a few days I will talk with my doctor about it. I suspect a hormone, or chemical imbalance of some kind. It's a free clinic and need to ask for specific tests. Unfortunately, I don't know much about depression & anxiety. What specific tests do you think I should ask for?

Wow! I really need to get educated on this stuff and fast. Do you know of any good books on the subject, especially depression? Right now it's the depression that I have to reduce in my life ASAP. It is kicking my butt.

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Happy Suicide Awareness Day! Yippee! (Sept. 10)

I'm aware of suicide. I think about it all the time. Ha, ha. Er, if you want to read a GOOD post on Suicide Awareness Day then visit Dr. Deb. Meanwhile, I'll head to the semi-dark/sick humor side. If it scares you then...BOO!...don't read it. ...Wimp!

True Story - An old man's family wanted to put him away in a nursing home, so the guy built a "death machine" that repeatedly fired a 22 caliber gun at him. I guess it was his final F/U to his family. I don't condone what he did but at lest he was creative, original, and good with his hands. Hm, maybe he can fix my toaster? Oops, to late!

Thought - IF depression is a disease, and suicide is a part of depression; does that mean that those who die from suicide die from a disease?

10 Waring Signs of Suicide

1) You tied your tie, and it ends up looking like a noose.

2) When you hear the word "suicide" you turn and reply "Yes" as if your name was called.

3) You have 4 library books about suicide at home (Yeah!)

4) You click your heals three times repeating, "Please God take me home". (Amen!)

5) Your favorite "South Park" character is Kenny. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" "Those bastards!"

6) You have scars on your wrists, and tell people that your writs were run over by a bicycle.

7) Last week you became deliriously happy while planing your suicide and gave all your possessions to charity.

8) You had sex with your husband for the first time in 8 months. It was a "goodbye fuck".

9) During your depression group you take a poll asking for the top 3 ways they would "off themselves."

10) When a burglar robs your bank, you stick your finger in the barrel of his gun and say, "Make my day!"


Thought - I once related to those grieving for someone who committed suicide. Now I relate to the people who committed suicide.


True Story - Kevin Hines jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived. He said that he wouldn't have jumped if ONE person had bothered to say "hello" to him. After recovering from a broken back, and months of rehab, Kevin now talks with those who are suicidal.

Poem - Its all gone up in smoke. My life's become a big joke. People no longer see me, just depression city. Sick of worrying, crying, and the weight. The sight of me I really do hate. Wish it would be over soon. Maybe it will be before noon.

HEY, if you can relate to this post, (especially the last part), then you are a sick puppy and in need of help. Make an appointment with a local counselor, or if you need help yesterday call 1-800-273-TALK(8255). You might be aware that I'm not crazy for shrinks, (except maybe for Dr. Deb), but do as I say not as I do, and you'll be alright. Get help if you need it!

SONG - Never Too Late by Three Days Grace (YouTube)


Note: This blog owner will self destruct in three days! Ha, ha, just joking! This blog owner admits to watching to many sick South Park programs.

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I missed my appointment with Super Shrink

When my social worker made the appointment, she told me to be sure to show up. Unfortunately, I had very little gas and only $3. I knew that parking might cost more then that. I tried to bum a ride, but no luck. UG! I called to reschedule, but Super Shrink's secretary wasn't available, so I left a message. I never heard back.

Maybe it's just as well. I'm scared to see Super Shrink. This is no ordinary shrink. He (don't know the gender) has extraordinary powers! This person can test me, and label me disabled due to mental problems, (by the power vested in him by the State of New York. AMEN!). Well, I probably am, but I don't necessarily want that on my permanent record, (wherever they keep them.) I mean, I really could use the money form SSI, but at what cost? To have the stigma of being labeled mentally ill on my permanent record? (I think "Fruit loops" is the technical term).

Super Shrink represents the State of N.Y., therefore has Super powers. This Shrink probably has the power to lock me up in R-wing faster then a speeding bullet. I don't think I'm Fruit loops enough to be locked up, but what if he is an overzealous type? Then I could end up in a nightmare. What if he gets a free decoder ring with every 500 people he puts away? IF I see Super Shrink I'm going to ease up on my answers a bit, especially in a certain area. If he asks, "on a scale from 1 to 10 what are you"? If I'm an 8, then I will probably tone it down to a 6. I don't want this dude to get a decoder ring at my expense! NOPE!


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Song - Last Resort by Papa Roach

I find an odd comfort in relating with those who understand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3soskkvYBgM

Personal Update - Depression is Worse

I've spared you. ;) I've written half a dozen post drafts pertaining to depression, and suicide. I knew that I couldn't post them because I would lose some of my readers, but I have a lot on my mind and heart these days. I just want to share a little of it with you.

I wrote a very frank letter to Liquid Illuzion. For those of you who didn't know her, she was a loving, talented, caring person, who was bi-polar, and sadly took her life. I miss her. I wrote the letter because I thought she was one of the few people who could understand where I'm at. I probably won't post the letter because it is brutally honest, and might be hurtful to her friends and family. However, the process of writing the letter was positive for me. I cried like a baby and got a lot out that I haven't been able to express to anyone else. (Funny, I thought I was all cried out.) I really feel that she's been with me lately.

So how am I? The depression has been noticeably worse in recent months, and certain unhealthy thought come to my mind to often. This isn't good for several reasons bedsides the obvious. 1) I often am unaware that I'm in depression because it has become my norm. So when I'm aware of it, that means I've entered into a deeper stage of depression. 2) Usually in summer the depression decreases. Winter is my most difficult season because I have winter depression on top of the regular depression. That makes me wonder if I'll make it thought this winter, if things continue.

Life if now a constant struggle. It's exhausting! Life is one huge unsolvable problem. I feel so hurt, like I'm bleeding inside. I feel like a burden to those who have tried to help me. Frankly, I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm no good for anyone, especially myself. The person that I've become is someone that I don't recognize anymore. Well, that's just a small fraction of the stuff that I've wanted to post, but you get the picture.

I went to the Health Department for food stamps, and such. I mentioned the depression, and they are sending me to a shrink for evaluation. This ought to be interesting. As you know, I don't have much faith in shrinks because I knew two crazy counselors. I figure that If those counselors with all their knowledge can't help themselves, than how can any counselor help me? Who knows? This might just be a quick evaluation to satisfy the health department and that's all. So I'll jump though their hoop. I'll give you an update if it's worth mentioning.

Related Posts: This Isn't Me and, I can't do this anymore...

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Wordless Wednesday - Liquid

Wish I could talk with you. I think you would understand. Not many can. (I'm referring to depression & suicide issues)


Photo of Liquid Illuzion, photo credit - Writing in Faith (Sandy Carlson)

Random Ramblings #6

Health Wise

I'm almost over the virus that I had. My sprain is getting better, but taking so darn long. I'm officially out of work. This has caused financial, and depression problems to worsen. I wrote a few blog post drafts concerning the depression, but glad I never posted them. They even scared me. I'm not happy to be alive right now. They say that it is always darkest before the dawn. Well, I hope so, because it's very dark now.

He Was Slapping Her

My asshole of a neighbor had knocked his girlfriend down and was standing over her slapping her. This happened in the hall. I immediately called the police. They arrived in two minutes. By the time the cops arrived they were in her apartment, and questioned them. I could hear the conversation. The dispute was over money, (I think for drugs). My favorite neighbor, and I agreed to call the cops right away if Mr. asshole starts in again. We don't want him getting away with it. (Sorry if my language offends you, but I can't think of a better word for him at this time.)

Rochester Weather - Tornados & Cool

Two tornado's hit the Western N.Y. area not far from Rochester on July 25th. They caused quite a bit of damage in Corfu in Genessee county, and a little in Hilton in Monroe county where they hit. Hundreds of customers lost electricity in those areas. The Darien-Corfu tornado had moderate damage to several buildings and trees and winds ranging from 86-110mph. The path was four miles long and 100 yards wide. The tornado in Hilton caused less damage. It's big news around here since our last tornado in Monroe county (my county) was in 1981.

I've been enjoying wonderfully cool weather lately! We have only had 4 days over 80 degrees (26.6 C) and none in the 90's (32-37 C). We just might break the record for the coldest July in history (since 1871) for Rochester. I just love it! Yes, we have more rain then usual, but it's no big deal. Not much flooding at all.

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Police Call is Resolved. How Depressed Am I?

Thank God! A family member paid my debt. He didn't tell me until days later. I guess he wanted to make sure that I applied at Social Services for assistance. I don't like getting a hand out from the government, (it will take 45 days before I receive anything).

So while I was terrified thinking that the cops might bust down my door because of a bounced check, (see previous post) I was trying to locate my carotid artery, and sharpening my knives. Gee, just how depressed am I!?

I keep forgetting how depressed I am until something happens to reveal it. Then I realize that I'm standing on top of a cliff with my toes hanging over the edge.

Why don't I see how depressed I am? Because it has become my normal state. I've been like this for so long that I don't even realize the degree of depression that I'm in.

This police incident just reminded me of how depressed I am. It's become a vicious cycle - depression & anxiety from the deaths of several family members --> less work --> less money & increased debt --> feelings of guilt, failure, self-hatred --> deeper depression & deeper anxiety.

The cycle goes on and on. I slowly sink deeper, and deeper without even realizing it. It's become a way of life until one day I realize that I'm standing on top of a cliff with my toes hanging over the edge. I just don't see it most of the time. I'm under the illusion that I'm coping well enough.

Note: Hyperbole was used in this post and not meant to be interpreted literally.

Related Post - The Police Called

The Police Called

A police officer left a phone message for me. He said that he was at company ABZ (not real name) and about to fill out a complaint on me because a check that I wrote a year go for $240 that had bounced. He said that if I didn't pay the money that I would be arrested.

What a shock! At first I thought that it was a bad joke so I called 911, but I found out it was legitimate. The officer was off duty when I called.

Can they do that? Can they arrest someone for a bounced check? And if they did arrest me would my career as a Nursing Assistant be over? They do good background checks on Nursing Assistants. I might never be able to get another job.

I called ABZ company and talked with the owner, but didn't get anywhere. I started to panic so I called my cousin. He also called the company, but the owner wouldn't budge.

The next day I couldn't stop crying. I kept looking at the door every few minutes wondering when the police would come. I don't have $240 or I would pay it. I have about $5, and I'm virtually out of a job. I felt like a sitting duck wondering when the police would come arrest me, so I left my apartment for most of the day. My neighbor told me that no one came to the door while I was gone.

The depression & anxiety that was starting to diminished is back in full force now. I've been crying my eyes out, and terrified. I'm not sleeping. I no longer feel safe in my home. I hate myself for being in such a mess. It's always something. I'm just so sick of it. So sick of struggling. Life has become such a struggle socially, and financially that I sometimes just want it to end. I just hate myself.

I'm going to go to Social Services to see if I can get financial help, but I doubt it. I was just there several months ago. I called my agency, but they still don't have work. My cousin says that he will talk to the police officers, but what good will that do? It's nice of him to want to do that, but I don't think that it will make a difference.

So I sit in my apartment crying and wondering if/when I'll hear a knock at the door from the police and be arrested. I'm scared to death! God, how I hate myself. Sometimes I really don't want to be here.

Two years to find a treatment for you

Imagine that you have an illness. You go to your doctor for help and....

Your Dr. says, - "We think we can help you, but it will take two years to find the proper treatment."

You ask - "Two Years!? WHY"?

He replies, - "We have to find the right medication and therapy combination. People react differently. You will just have to be patient. It'll take time. You will have to try various drugs and various therapies until we hit on something effective. But we think we can find something that will work ...eventually."

What would you think? How would you feel? How would you react?

I just saw the program Second Opinion. (TV show with real doctors discussing real illnesses.) It was about depression. They said that treatment often works, but it is not unusual for it to take two years. Doctors have to find the right meds & treatment combo, and that is individual. It takes time.

The other day I read that 60% of people who commit suicide are in therapy. Now I understand. Sometimes people who are clinically depressed can be suicidal, and to not be helped, even when in therapy, must be further depressing to them. Can you imagine being told that you have an illness, and yet you can't get an effective treatment for two years? Heck, that's depressing it itself!

I've had trouble with depression and anxiety. I'm not crazy about therapy in the first place, and this is not good news. I'm not saying that I have thoughts of suicide. I am not saying that. But things aren't good. The depression is slowly getting worse. And what I heard today is bad news. Imagine that you were ill and your doctor said that he MIGHT be able to help you in TWO years. How the hell would you feel? I feel a bit pissed off right now.

Related Posts - "This Isn't Me" AND "IF I saw a therapist..."