“An Apology” – A Response

I’ve received an e-mail from my Ex. Not only did she e-mail me, but she posted the e-mail on her blog with some comments. She mentioned in the post that she will have more post/s on the topic in the future. I will not dignify the e-mail by posting it on my blog, but will only post my response. You will get the gist. Her childish games will hopefully be finished as of today! I’m sick of this! I know that she will read this post. I hope that she will take it to heart and end her foolishness.

The following is a copy of my response to her e-mail…

Beth,

You’re sorry for your “cruel words/posts towards” me “in 2007 and 2008”? What about you’re cruel words/posts from 2009 to now? How can you apologize for something that you continue to do? Nothing has changed. You continue obsessing about me. I believe that your e-mail and blog post are yet another attention getting tactic to draw my eyes to your blog.

It spooked me when I read that you pray for me “every day”. Obviously you think about me daily and still obsess on me. Ek! You continue blogging about me mainly rehashing our relationship of 20 years ago, however, I rarely think of you now. I’ve moved on. I’ve let go. I suggest that you do the same. I’m rarely behind a computer, and I’m getting out and about these days. I’m living real life, in real time, and not focusing on the past. I highly recommend it!

I’ve recognized some time ago that I could not have any type of relationship with you because your mental problems are far worse than I anticipated. I just don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve kept the door open, but no longer. It just seems to feed your obsession and neurosis. Beth, move on! Let go! Do not contact me ever again! Stop writing posts about me! Move on!

I will always remember you as the sweet, nice, sociable, nervous, lady of 20 years ago who loved me. Not as you are now. I wish you well.

DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN!

Good-bye

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Related Posts: To the Uncomplimentary Blogger and Therapy and Me
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Libra, Love of My Life (part 2 of 2)

Introduction

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This is the second part and conclusion of "Libra, Love of my Life". If you haven't read my first post please do so, or this will not make sense. In the 1980's I would meet Libra and have a 7 year relationship with her. This is the true story in a nutshell. To protect identities I have changed names, blurred dates, and omitted physical descriptions, etc. I wrote each small chapter as one paragraph in order to prevent this from being 3 parts. I also wrote this using two different computers so some chapters may appear different. I hope that you pay attention to the spirit of what I say rather than the form. This post is the second of two and the conclusion.
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The Ring
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When it was all falling apart, when I knew that Libra would leave me soon, I gave her a ring. I couldn't afford anything extravagant on a nurse aide salary, but I did my best. I bought it from a reputable fine jeweler. It was lovely, a 10k gold band with her favorite gemstone and small diamonds. It was something that I should have given to her a year or two prior. I wasn't trying to keep Libra. I knew that she would leave me soon. I just wanted her to have one final small token of my love and appreciation. She gladly accepted it.

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The Inconsiderate Blow

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Libra reveled to me in an uncharacteristically harsh manor that she was sleeping with Sally. She rubbed it in my face. I burst into tears weeping like a baby as Libra held me. She had finally gotten what she wanted, the end of our relationship. But she didn't have to tell me in that way. All she needed to do was merely tell me that she was sleeping with Sally and I would have left her. Apparently she didn't realize that.

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Saving the Cake

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When Libra and I broke up I was heartbroken. It was the loneliest time in my life even until today. I felt unbearably lonely. Libra and I talked, we acknowledged that we were very best friends and we both wanted to save the friendship, (the cake). We decided to continue to see each other, but as friends only. There was nothing physical. We continued to see each other very intermittently for 3 years. Every time her girlfriend protested we had to stop seeing each other for awhile. So it was on and off contingent upon Libra's girlfriend Sally. I couldn't blame Sally, after all Libra was in the habit of getting bored and returning to an ex. I was now an ex and still in Libra's life, but I knew that I would never sleep with Libra again. She wasn't capable of a stable long-term relationship and that was hurtful to me. After an intermittent 3 year friendship I had to say good-bye to Libra. I just couldn't handle it. I don't do well with unstable, inconsistent relationships even in a good friendship. It was too hurtful. Libra and I parted on good terms.

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I Knew This Day Would Come

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Years later Libra would call me because she noticed that a relative of mine had died. She read it in the newspaper obituary section. She offered her condolences, and then the conversation turned. She mentioned that she was in the mist of a 3 year relationship. She asked me if I was "seeing anyone" and if I was "happy". I didn't want to lie, so I just told her that I was "doing just fine", in my most cheerful voice allowing her to assume that I was with someone. Libra sighed a disappointed sounding "Oh". Then she wanted to give me her phone number and rattled off the numbers. I didn't even bother to pick up a pen. It was obvious that she hadn't changed. She still was uncommitted drifting from one ex to the next. I needed more stability then that. Libra was a wonderful person and I cared about her, I just couldn't go through that again. I have never called her, nor will I. My phone number is no longer listed because I only have a call phone now. Perhaps it's just as well.
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Hope for Love In The Future

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I hope to eventually find someone to share my life with. Hopefully I will one day regard Libra as the love of my youth, and another special lady as the love of my, um, more mature years. I am a realist. I've had relationship with different types of women since Libra and am not looking for a carbon copy of her, however, she had some characteristics that I admire and hope to find in someone else. Of course being with someone who is capable of a stable relationship is important to me. Getting along with each other and being compatible is too. So is a strong friendship with mutual admiration, trust, and respect, etc. Id' like enough commonalities to be on the same page. If I ever moved in with a lady it probably wouldn't be in a matter of months, more like years, if ever. Then I might need a "man cave" ;) Right now I'm busy rebuilding my life after losses due to depression so I'm not actively looking for a special lady, yet I don't know who's around the corner. ;)
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Conclusion

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Before I wrote this post I thought in terms of Libra and I having had a 4 year relationship together. However, while I was writing this, and consulting some old calendars, I realized that we actually had 7 years together. It's just that the last 3 years were as Friends, not lover. Now that I'm older and looking back on my life to my precious very best friends that I've had, I count Libra among them. To Libra's credit she gave me about 3 marvelous years of a good stable love relationship before things gradually went down hill. Libra warned me about her commitment issues early on and probably stayed lovers with me longer than she intended for my sake. Libra had many positive attributes including a huge heart. She was truly very "good people". We all have our vices, our flaws, our imperfections. The older I get the more I realize that most people don't change even when they try. The old bad habits and patterns tend to return. I needed a very long-term stable relationship with Libra that she was incapable of providing. However, I recognize that she tried her best. Unfortunately it was an irresolvable impasse. I feel very grateful for the time that we had together and all the wonderful things that we shared. I feel privileged and grateful to have known her and to have been a part of her life. Happiness meant a great deal to Libra and I sincerely hope that she is happy. The song "Something About You", by Level 42 has always reminded me of her. Libra was truly wonderful and remarkable!...Thank you for reading these 2 long posts and for allowing me to share Libra and a bit of my life with you! ;)

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Libra, Love of My Life (part 1 of 2)

I haven’t written much about my exes, but Libra was someone quite wonderful and remarkable. Libra was the love of my life. I’m sure that these 2 posts won’t do her justice, nor articulate how unique and charismatic she was, but I’ll give it a try. In the 1980’s I would meet Libra and have a 7 year relationship with her. This is the true story in a nutshell. To protect identities I have changed names, blurred dates, and omitted physical descriptions, etc. I wrote each small chapter as one paragraph in order to prevent this from being 3 parts. I also wrote this using two different computers so some chapters may appear different in font etc. I hope that you pay attention to the spirit of what I say rather than the form. This post is the first of two.

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Background

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I was in my mid to late 20’s and still a virgin when I met this endearing woman. I had previously graduated from Bible college, and was in denial concerning my sexually. Libra was approximately 10 years my senior. She had several previous relationships with both men and women. She didn’t like labels such as gay, straight, or bi. Libra was easygoing, kind, gentle, confident, charming, attractive, feminine, and compassionate. She was smart with a good memory, and was well educated. She had a fun, effervescent, personality. Her hearty, feminine contagious laughter drew people to her.

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We Were On the Same Page

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Libra and I came from similar backgrounds and had similar views. We were highly compatible. We both liked easy-going, harmonious relationship, but disliked drama and arguing. We worked hard, but played easy preferring relaxing activities. I grew up an only child in the suburbs. Libra also grew up in the suburbs with only one sibling who was considerably older than her. She virtually grew up as an only child too. We were use to solitary, quiet, and space. We never asked each other to move in, nor did we need to explain to each other the need to have our own place to be alone. (To this day I have never had a roommate, except in college). We were both closeted at the time, so we were careful around each other's families. We had mutual admiration and respect. We were comfortable with each other and enjoyed each other's company. We were very best friends. Libra use to say that “sex was the icing on the cake and the cake was our relationship/friendship”. We had a great cake! As for the icing, that was great too. Libra said that she “never had an “O” before she met me". We both enjoyed a lot of good icing and “O”s.

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What Does A Lesbian Couple Do?

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The same thing that heterosexual couples do. In the beginning we would occasionally stay at a nice hotel making love like rabbits. We went on vacations together. She introduced me to Canandaigua, NY which became one of my favorite vacation spots. We visited each other's families during Christmas, and went to Christmas services at church. Libra loved greeting cards so we would often exchange cards, and small gifts. Sometimes we would slow dance in her kitchen after supper. She had a way of starting a joke and passing it to me; I’d add to it and pass it back. It was fun! We sometimes watched T.V. and snuggled together enjoying each other's company. Like most couples we occasionally went out to dinner and/or movie. What we did wasn’t extraordinary, but the person I was with was.

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Not Perfect

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I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, neither were we, but it was very good. In the early months I was having moral conflict over being a Christian and sleeping with a woman. I would sometimes voice my opinion to Libra which made it difficult on us. Libra wasn’t perfect either. She was great at seeing both sides of a conflict and giving good impartial advice, unless she was one of the people in the conflict. Then she acted like she couldn’t see the other person’s point of view. She just wanted to win the argument. Libra had such a good memory that she would quote me verbatim during arguing which would secretly put me in awe of her. Fortunately for me, arguments were rare because she hated arguing as much as I did. Her biggest flaw was her trouble with commitment. She tried to warn me early on saying, “I have difficulty with commitment, however, I’ve had more fun with you than anyone else”. I thought that the fun factor would make me the acceptation to the rule. I thought wrong.

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Boredom Set In

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Around our third year together Libra slowly pulled away from me. She was starting to act bored with me, and didn’t want to be with me as often. Sex which had been frequent in the beginning was now rare. This happened gradually over time. Meanwhile, my feelings towards Libra never wavered. I still loved her and wanted to be with her. I believed that I would spend the rest of my life with her. On one occasion Libra told me that she had only slept with a handful of people. She would be with someone for 2-3 years break-up then go back to a former lover. She did this repeatedly. I think she told me this to prepare me. Eventually one day Libra told me that we should have an “open relationship" so that I could date others. She said that it would “be good for me since I was in my 20’s and had only slept with one person. Also I might find a man which would be more acceptable to my family and religion” However, I knew that she wanted an open relationship for her own sake, not mind, yet I never voiced my belief. Eventually I reluctantly agreed to an open relationship. However, I purposed in my heart not to sleep with anyone else, even if Libra denied me sex. I would remain faithful to Libra.
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The Last Piece of the Puzzle

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Time went by. We had now been together 4 years. Libra's restlessness and boredom had reached its peak. I watched our relationship slowly deteriorate, sad and frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it. Then one day Libra told me that she "ran into" her ex, Sally. I remember that Libra described Sally as "smart with a great body" Since Libra had a habit of going back to her exes I knew that she and Sally would soon sleep together, ending our relationship. I never expected to be in Libra's life for 3 more years.

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Folks, I hope that you come back for the second post and conclusion of "Libra, Love of My Life." The next chapter title is "The Ring".

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Farewell to my Ex

I just want to say a short farewell to my Ex. The one out of state.

We meet again at a time when we were both having significant difficulties. We both said things that we should not have. I apologize for my part. It's a shame that we couldn't find a way to some sort of friendship. We were able to be friends the first 2 times.

I will always fondly remember the sweet lady, and friend of those earlier days.

I notice that you are gone. You have had a difficult life. I'm glad to see that you're doing better. I sincerely wish you well.

~Peace


photo credit

IF I saw a therapist...

If you have been wondering, no, I have not seen a therapist yet. I'm doing good depression wise. The anxiety is better too. I have stopped having panic attacks when I pull into the parking lot at work. However, the depression seems to come during winter. Last winter was one of my worst times. I wouldn't put in writing how bad it was. It is suppose to snow soon, and I'm getting apprehensive. I can't go through that again.

For those of you who are new, this is why I'm not crazy about therapy. In a nut shell, I knew two people when I was younger. They both had mental problems. They both went to a therapist for many years, and both became therapists. Today they are significantly worse. They are the two most mentally ill people that I have ever met in my life. And they are therapists!

A friend of mine is going though therapy, and frankly I don't know if I could go through the CRAP that she is. Is it me, or do therapists purposely take away hope? Will they try to pump me full of drugs too? Will they tell me that I have 12 things wrong with me, will never get cured, and take away my hope too? Will they ask me if I'm suicidal too? And what if I said yes, would they lock me up? I'm not suicidal now, but many depressed people are. I just don't want to go through the crap that my friend is. I think that she is brave, but it angers me the way that she is being treated. And honestly, how can I put my mental welfare into the hands of a therapist, especially when I know two very mentally ill therapists? Therapy obviously didn't work for them. They just got worse, even after 15 + years of treatment.

If you have been to therapy I would love to hear both success stories, and horror stories. I want to know what goes on in therapy, and is it effective? How where you treated? What was done to you?

Added Later: I just started reading this, but it looks interesting...
HealthyPlace.com Depression Community
Also a different page on the same site Herbs & Women Hormones

Photo credit: Hey, check out "The Dragon Fly Initiative"

To the Uncomplimentary Blogger

To my readers. Since this post is to the Uncomplimentary Blogger you will not fully understand what is going on because I will be skipping some important details that the Uncomplimentary Blogger already knows. If your a regular reader you will understand that this is something that has gone on for quite sometime.

Dear Uncomplimentary Blogger,

On Wednesday I heard from both you, and that other person from my past with whom we are both acquainted. Both of you on the same day! It was like a one-two punch to my gut. She sent me an e-mail, and I dealt with her directly. You viewed my blog, and made sure that I knew it. It was like you jumped up, and down in the room. I won't go into specifics, you know what I'm talking about. You're starting to revert to your passive aggressive ways. You chose to make yourself known, but you don't want the same treatment. That's a double standard. Your like the kid who puts a finger one inch from someones face and taunts - "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!" Then you go into hiding. Then the cycle is repeated again, and again, and again. Frankly, I would rather you deal with me directly like the other person did, but you can't seem to.

Your actions have been extremely inconsistent. You like me, then hate me. Like me/hate me. Like me/hate me. You push me away, then try to get my attention and pull me towards you. Push/pull, push/pull, push/pull. In fact that's how you were in our two real time relationships years ago. I noticed from reading your blogs in past months that you're like that in everything. You're crazy for a certain TV star one month, the next you're not. You like a list of TV show one month, the next you don't like any of them. I didn't know what was wrong with you, but I knew that it wasn't normal. You admitted in an e-mail to me many months ago that you had severe mental problems, but didn't elaborate. Fortunately Dr. Deb wrote about it in her blog. (Thank you Dr. Deb.) I learned that it's called emotional ambivalence.

I believe that it is difficult for you to make up your mind about me because of this neurotic conflict. Therefore, I need to intervene, so I have done the following...

1) I have taken all your blogs in my reader and put them in one folder, and tucked that folder away at the bottom of my reader. Plus I'm primarily using another reader, (bloglines), which does not have any of your blogs. In other words I will not be reading your blogs, but will keep them just in case.

2) I have removed the various trackers from my blog. So if you decide to visit my blog I will not know unless you leave a comment, and I highly doubt that you will.

I'm not going to delete my blog because of your games. I don't need to.

I don't want you to think that I have rejected you. I have not! However, I have just made it very difficult for you to play these games. I need some consistency. I also need you to contact me directly, or not at all. No more games! You know my full name, and that I live in the Rochester area. I'm in the phone book. You can call me if/when you are ready for a consistent relationship, or you can e-mail me. I realize that you might have emotional ambivalence for the rest of your life, but if you get it reasonably under control I will be open to contact, but not before. This is not easy for me because I care about you. In fact I am praying that you will get better, but I can't take this any longer. I have been rejected too, and the anxiety that I have stems from rejection. I’m dealing with issues of rejection from my past and just can’t handle these on/off, love/hate, push/pull games. I am trying to heal now. I don't need more rejection, more wounds.

So you can talk to me, (or about me), as much as you want on your blog. Send me all those signals, jump up and down trying to get my attention, but ... I WILL NOT NOTICE.

ENOUGH! I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR GAMES!

An Uncomplimentary Blogger, Dr. Phil, and Forgiveness

This is a continuation of my last post called- What Do You Do When Someone Blogs About You? If you haven't read it, and the comments, please do so before reading further. You will not understand this post unless you read the last.

First of all I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post. Your suggestions, and remarks were kind, thoughtful, and thought provoking.

Secondly, I don't want you to think that the uncomplimentary blogger is a monster. When I knew her in real life, she was nice, sweet, and sensitive. Since then it seems that life has kicked her in the gut one to many times, and she has reacted to it. When I saw her online I was so thrilled to see my old friend that I tried to get close to her quickly. It was bad timing because she was dealing with some recent kicks in the gut, and wasn't ready to be friends with anyone. However, the way in which she treated and rejected me was hash, threatening, and undeserving.

I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Phil McGraw, but on Wednesday the 23rd he said some things that made sense to me. The segment was about Mormon, (LDS), boys that were kicked out of their homes. They were force to leave because they were seen as a threat to some of the older polygamist men. This is the same compound in Texas that has been on the news.

Dr. Phil was talking with these boys, and asked them if they wanted to go back home if give the chance. The boys said yes, but knew that they would be treated like outsiders. They knew that the door would be locked on them. Dr. Phil said that even though they were rejected, they could get closure just by making it known that they still wanted a relationship, and keeping the door of their hearts open, and forgiving. I saw the parallel. I was rejected by a former good friend, someone who I regarded as family. I now believe that I need to continue to leave the door open, forgive, and turn the other cheek. Maybe this can bring me closure. This person knows my e-mail address, and can get in touch with me if she wants. There is no need to overreact, and to stop blogging. I once wrote her in an e-mail that "it would be a shame if we could not find a way to be friends". I still believe that, but maybe this isn't the day for it. It's poor timing.

What Do You Do When Someone Blogs About You?

I'm just so doggone tired of this!

What do you do when someone blogs about you in a negative way, tells lies, and won't stop? I reached out my hand in friendship to a fellow blogger. Actually we knew each other years ago in real life, had a good relationship, and were very close. I don't want to be specific about the nature of the relationship. Anyway, when I saw her online and tired to befriend her, she didn't want to be friends. She said that she had severe mental problems, and couldn't handle being friends. Then she told me to go to hell, and not to contact her. It hurt. We do have history. I care about her. But what can you do? So I'm leaving her alone.

The thing is that she blogs about me every now and then. And she has done it again very recently. It is obviously about me. I recognize myself, although she never mentions me by name. She sometimes ends her posts with, "this is about me, not you". Or something similar. Oh really? Interesting she would end it that way. Don't you think so? Also... get this... she has a blog diary that is private. If she wants to get something off her chest, why not use her online locked diary? Why put this stuff in a blog that she knows I can read? Plus she is writing things that simply are not true. It's like she is allowed to talk to me or gossip about me, but I am not allowed to respond. She is taunting, and teasing me. Don't you think so?

I find it interesting that she is thinking about me so much. She continues to send messages to me though her blog, even after she told me to leave her alone. However, I have been silent, left her alone, and stopped e-mailing her long ago.

I have kept the lines of communication open on my end. (I'm to tender-hearted sometimes.) If she wants to say something about me then make it a 2 way communication so I can respond! What she is doing is not right, kind, or far!

Betsy and Linda (Office Talk)

Linda walked into Betsy's office.

I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope that every thing's all right, Linda said.

Betsy flashed Linda an angry look, then said, I didn't want you to be a friend. I just wanted us to be acquaintances.

Linda replied. I did try. I truly did, but it didn't work. We aren't strangers. We didn't just meet. We knew one other years ago. We were lovers. We were good friends, maybe best friends. You weathered a storm to be with me. You asked me to move in with you. You told me that you were in love with me. Betsy, we have history together.

I know that you are hurting at this point of your life. You have major intimacy issues. You have suffered loses. Sorting out past abuse. You have been hurt, and are very bitter, and angry. I understand why you want to distance yourself, but I can't pretend. I can't act like a stranger to someone whom I shared so much. I care about you, and you don't know how to handle it. Now, don't panic. I'm not in love with you. I don't want to become lovers again. But I do care, and have a connection to you, history with you. I do now, and always will. So I can't pretend to be mere acquaintances. I can't pretend that I don't know you. I have never been good at pretending.

Betsy replied, That was many years ago. People change. You don't know me.

Linda said, People do change. We have had different experiences. Both of us have changed, but basically we are still the same people down deep inside. Doesn't psychology say that our personality is formed when we are young? Basically I am still me, and you are still you.

I know it was a long time ago, but our relationship was significant. It happened. Just because you think you might be straight now, and have been though difficulties, doesn't mean that "we" didn't happen. It doesn't mean that you can negate the fact that we were lovers, and good friends.

You once told me that you were more terrified of me, then of the person who abused you. Your terrified because I care. You have difficulty with intimacy. You want to sweep it all under the rug. You want to abolish our passed.

Betsy, I can't deny our passed relationship. I can't make the jump to being just acquaintances because we're not. We are more then that.

Linda left the room, and as she did she kept the door open a crack.

Related Post: I have Evidence!

I have Evidence!

(Betsy walked into Linda's office with several office memos tucked under her arm.) You know I don't like a lot of office memos. I asked you not to send so many, but you did. I have EVIDENCE! (She yelled as she slammed the memos down on her coworkers desk).

(Linda looked stunned. It was obvious she didn't see this coming. She knew that Betsy had a problem with the volume of memo's, and thought that she had cut back on them to Betsy's satisfaction.)

(Betsy unloaded on Linda. Pointing to the office memos) Look! This is from 1/20, 1/19, 1/15, 1/14 etc. EVIDENCE! You are being disrespectful to me!

(Linda thumbed though the office memos with a bewildered look on her face. She never expected this outburst of anger. And Betsy had said nothing since Linda cut down on the memo's to her. Linda thought that things were fine between them.)

Just a moment Betsy. (Linda said, as she sifted though the responses to the office memos that Betsy sent to her.)

Ah, here it is. Here is your letter that you sent to me requesting that I cut down on office memos to you. Your letter states that I should send you office memos "once or twice a week, or less frequently." Later, you sent me a reminder letter that was very vague. It states. Send me memos "sometimes, off and on". I know that I cut down, (Linda explained.) I didn't actually count the memos at the time, (Linda picked up, and looked at the memos), but it looks like on average it was twice a week. I thought I was doing well in that area for you. You are the only one here that has a problem with my memos, but I cut down on the ones that I send to you, at your request. I have several people that I send memos to on a more frequent basis, they seem to enjoy them. I get a good response. Besides that, I have keep the memos to you shorter, and of a less personal nature. Keeping things light.

You see Betsy, I enjoy sending office memos to people, like you enjoy Blogging. Plus it is my main means of communication, but I cut down at your request. I thought that I was doing rather well, and was surprised to see you so angry when you entered my office. In the month that I cut down on office memos, you gave no indication whatsoever that you had a problem with my memos. This came out of the blue. I feel that I have bent backward to meet your request, but you did not appreciate my effort.

Related Post: Betsy and Linda (Office Talk)

Therapy and Me

I'm not sure if therapy is for me. I have had problems since my father's death, with anxiety, and depression. I have never seen a therapist on a regular basis. It's a big deal for me since I am a privet person, and it's difficult for me to pour out my heart to a total stranger.

Recently, I have been contacting friends, and lovers from the past. I guess that I am that age. I have heard of others my age doing this. (I'm in my 40s).

I have contacted many people. Two of them that responded back are both working as therapists. I have gotten to know them both again thorough e-mails. I don't want to go into personal details about them.

They do have several things in common...


Both people have graduated from college with degrees in therapy related studies.

Both have been working as therapists for many years.

Both are my age or older, so I'm not talking about young adults.

Both have been in therapy themselves for many years to receive help.


The thing is that they both seem worse today then when I knew them years ago! This is highly disturbing to me. These people are educated therapist themselves, who have received therapy for many years, and are worse. How can this be?

I can relate to both of them because I have problems too. I knew them both years ago, so there is a connection. My heart goes out to them both. I'm devastated! I'm devastated and sad for them, and myself.

I was going to look for therapy myself, but apparently conventional therapy does not work. Why should I go to a therapist, and pour out my soul when it doesn't work? Why should I go to a therapist for years, maybe decades, if I'm going to get worse anyways?

I have been searching for a therapist for about 6 months now. It has been difficult since I don't have health insurance, and can't afford to pay $60 an hour, or whatever the rate is. So I have called, and called, and searched, and searched. Finally after 6 months, 3 therapists are calling me back wanting appointments with me. But I have not returned their calls. I don't know if I will. If conventional therapy doesn't work, why should I go to a therapist?

Now the question seems to be... If conventional therapy does not work, then what does?

Related Posts: ETC - Electroconvulsive Therapy or Shock Treatments
And: Are You Gay OR Straight? (Part 1)