Libra, Love of My Life (part 2 of 2)

Introduction

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This is the second part and conclusion of "Libra, Love of my Life". If you haven't read my first post please do so, or this will not make sense. In the 1980's I would meet Libra and have a 7 year relationship with her. This is the true story in a nutshell. To protect identities I have changed names, blurred dates, and omitted physical descriptions, etc. I wrote each small chapter as one paragraph in order to prevent this from being 3 parts. I also wrote this using two different computers so some chapters may appear different. I hope that you pay attention to the spirit of what I say rather than the form. This post is the second of two and the conclusion.
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The Ring
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When it was all falling apart, when I knew that Libra would leave me soon, I gave her a ring. I couldn't afford anything extravagant on a nurse aide salary, but I did my best. I bought it from a reputable fine jeweler. It was lovely, a 10k gold band with her favorite gemstone and small diamonds. It was something that I should have given to her a year or two prior. I wasn't trying to keep Libra. I knew that she would leave me soon. I just wanted her to have one final small token of my love and appreciation. She gladly accepted it.

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The Inconsiderate Blow

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Libra reveled to me in an uncharacteristically harsh manor that she was sleeping with Sally. She rubbed it in my face. I burst into tears weeping like a baby as Libra held me. She had finally gotten what she wanted, the end of our relationship. But she didn't have to tell me in that way. All she needed to do was merely tell me that she was sleeping with Sally and I would have left her. Apparently she didn't realize that.

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Saving the Cake

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When Libra and I broke up I was heartbroken. It was the loneliest time in my life even until today. I felt unbearably lonely. Libra and I talked, we acknowledged that we were very best friends and we both wanted to save the friendship, (the cake). We decided to continue to see each other, but as friends only. There was nothing physical. We continued to see each other very intermittently for 3 years. Every time her girlfriend protested we had to stop seeing each other for awhile. So it was on and off contingent upon Libra's girlfriend Sally. I couldn't blame Sally, after all Libra was in the habit of getting bored and returning to an ex. I was now an ex and still in Libra's life, but I knew that I would never sleep with Libra again. She wasn't capable of a stable long-term relationship and that was hurtful to me. After an intermittent 3 year friendship I had to say good-bye to Libra. I just couldn't handle it. I don't do well with unstable, inconsistent relationships even in a good friendship. It was too hurtful. Libra and I parted on good terms.

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I Knew This Day Would Come

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Years later Libra would call me because she noticed that a relative of mine had died. She read it in the newspaper obituary section. She offered her condolences, and then the conversation turned. She mentioned that she was in the mist of a 3 year relationship. She asked me if I was "seeing anyone" and if I was "happy". I didn't want to lie, so I just told her that I was "doing just fine", in my most cheerful voice allowing her to assume that I was with someone. Libra sighed a disappointed sounding "Oh". Then she wanted to give me her phone number and rattled off the numbers. I didn't even bother to pick up a pen. It was obvious that she hadn't changed. She still was uncommitted drifting from one ex to the next. I needed more stability then that. Libra was a wonderful person and I cared about her, I just couldn't go through that again. I have never called her, nor will I. My phone number is no longer listed because I only have a call phone now. Perhaps it's just as well.
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Hope for Love In The Future

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I hope to eventually find someone to share my life with. Hopefully I will one day regard Libra as the love of my youth, and another special lady as the love of my, um, more mature years. I am a realist. I've had relationship with different types of women since Libra and am not looking for a carbon copy of her, however, she had some characteristics that I admire and hope to find in someone else. Of course being with someone who is capable of a stable relationship is important to me. Getting along with each other and being compatible is too. So is a strong friendship with mutual admiration, trust, and respect, etc. Id' like enough commonalities to be on the same page. If I ever moved in with a lady it probably wouldn't be in a matter of months, more like years, if ever. Then I might need a "man cave" ;) Right now I'm busy rebuilding my life after losses due to depression so I'm not actively looking for a special lady, yet I don't know who's around the corner. ;)
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Conclusion

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Before I wrote this post I thought in terms of Libra and I having had a 4 year relationship together. However, while I was writing this, and consulting some old calendars, I realized that we actually had 7 years together. It's just that the last 3 years were as Friends, not lover. Now that I'm older and looking back on my life to my precious very best friends that I've had, I count Libra among them. To Libra's credit she gave me about 3 marvelous years of a good stable love relationship before things gradually went down hill. Libra warned me about her commitment issues early on and probably stayed lovers with me longer than she intended for my sake. Libra had many positive attributes including a huge heart. She was truly very "good people". We all have our vices, our flaws, our imperfections. The older I get the more I realize that most people don't change even when they try. The old bad habits and patterns tend to return. I needed a very long-term stable relationship with Libra that she was incapable of providing. However, I recognize that she tried her best. Unfortunately it was an irresolvable impasse. I feel very grateful for the time that we had together and all the wonderful things that we shared. I feel privileged and grateful to have known her and to have been a part of her life. Happiness meant a great deal to Libra and I sincerely hope that she is happy. The song "Something About You", by Level 42 has always reminded me of her. Libra was truly wonderful and remarkable!...Thank you for reading these 2 long posts and for allowing me to share Libra and a bit of my life with you! ;)

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Libra, Love of My Life (part 1 of 2)

I haven’t written much about my exes, but Libra was someone quite wonderful and remarkable. Libra was the love of my life. I’m sure that these 2 posts won’t do her justice, nor articulate how unique and charismatic she was, but I’ll give it a try. In the 1980’s I would meet Libra and have a 7 year relationship with her. This is the true story in a nutshell. To protect identities I have changed names, blurred dates, and omitted physical descriptions, etc. I wrote each small chapter as one paragraph in order to prevent this from being 3 parts. I also wrote this using two different computers so some chapters may appear different in font etc. I hope that you pay attention to the spirit of what I say rather than the form. This post is the first of two.

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Background

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I was in my mid to late 20’s and still a virgin when I met this endearing woman. I had previously graduated from Bible college, and was in denial concerning my sexually. Libra was approximately 10 years my senior. She had several previous relationships with both men and women. She didn’t like labels such as gay, straight, or bi. Libra was easygoing, kind, gentle, confident, charming, attractive, feminine, and compassionate. She was smart with a good memory, and was well educated. She had a fun, effervescent, personality. Her hearty, feminine contagious laughter drew people to her.

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We Were On the Same Page

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Libra and I came from similar backgrounds and had similar views. We were highly compatible. We both liked easy-going, harmonious relationship, but disliked drama and arguing. We worked hard, but played easy preferring relaxing activities. I grew up an only child in the suburbs. Libra also grew up in the suburbs with only one sibling who was considerably older than her. She virtually grew up as an only child too. We were use to solitary, quiet, and space. We never asked each other to move in, nor did we need to explain to each other the need to have our own place to be alone. (To this day I have never had a roommate, except in college). We were both closeted at the time, so we were careful around each other's families. We had mutual admiration and respect. We were comfortable with each other and enjoyed each other's company. We were very best friends. Libra use to say that “sex was the icing on the cake and the cake was our relationship/friendship”. We had a great cake! As for the icing, that was great too. Libra said that she “never had an “O” before she met me". We both enjoyed a lot of good icing and “O”s.

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What Does A Lesbian Couple Do?

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The same thing that heterosexual couples do. In the beginning we would occasionally stay at a nice hotel making love like rabbits. We went on vacations together. She introduced me to Canandaigua, NY which became one of my favorite vacation spots. We visited each other's families during Christmas, and went to Christmas services at church. Libra loved greeting cards so we would often exchange cards, and small gifts. Sometimes we would slow dance in her kitchen after supper. She had a way of starting a joke and passing it to me; I’d add to it and pass it back. It was fun! We sometimes watched T.V. and snuggled together enjoying each other's company. Like most couples we occasionally went out to dinner and/or movie. What we did wasn’t extraordinary, but the person I was with was.

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Not Perfect

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I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, neither were we, but it was very good. In the early months I was having moral conflict over being a Christian and sleeping with a woman. I would sometimes voice my opinion to Libra which made it difficult on us. Libra wasn’t perfect either. She was great at seeing both sides of a conflict and giving good impartial advice, unless she was one of the people in the conflict. Then she acted like she couldn’t see the other person’s point of view. She just wanted to win the argument. Libra had such a good memory that she would quote me verbatim during arguing which would secretly put me in awe of her. Fortunately for me, arguments were rare because she hated arguing as much as I did. Her biggest flaw was her trouble with commitment. She tried to warn me early on saying, “I have difficulty with commitment, however, I’ve had more fun with you than anyone else”. I thought that the fun factor would make me the acceptation to the rule. I thought wrong.

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Boredom Set In

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Around our third year together Libra slowly pulled away from me. She was starting to act bored with me, and didn’t want to be with me as often. Sex which had been frequent in the beginning was now rare. This happened gradually over time. Meanwhile, my feelings towards Libra never wavered. I still loved her and wanted to be with her. I believed that I would spend the rest of my life with her. On one occasion Libra told me that she had only slept with a handful of people. She would be with someone for 2-3 years break-up then go back to a former lover. She did this repeatedly. I think she told me this to prepare me. Eventually one day Libra told me that we should have an “open relationship" so that I could date others. She said that it would “be good for me since I was in my 20’s and had only slept with one person. Also I might find a man which would be more acceptable to my family and religion” However, I knew that she wanted an open relationship for her own sake, not mind, yet I never voiced my belief. Eventually I reluctantly agreed to an open relationship. However, I purposed in my heart not to sleep with anyone else, even if Libra denied me sex. I would remain faithful to Libra.
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The Last Piece of the Puzzle

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Time went by. We had now been together 4 years. Libra's restlessness and boredom had reached its peak. I watched our relationship slowly deteriorate, sad and frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it. Then one day Libra told me that she "ran into" her ex, Sally. I remember that Libra described Sally as "smart with a great body" Since Libra had a habit of going back to her exes I knew that she and Sally would soon sleep together, ending our relationship. I never expected to be in Libra's life for 3 more years.

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Folks, I hope that you come back for the second post and conclusion of "Libra, Love of My Life." The next chapter title is "The Ring".

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Happy Valentine's Day To ALL !

photo credit 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Dear Liquid - Wishing you beautiful love

Dear Liquid,

As you know, I'm reading your blog. It's apparent to me that you craved that special love between a man & a woman. Unfortunately you were disappointed by your choice in men, (to put it mildly). Now your on the other side. I don't think that type of special love between two people exists there, but if it does I hope that you meet him. I hope that he is all you wanted, dreamed about, and more. If your not allowed that, then I hope that God bathes you in love each and every day. I hope that you finally understand your worth and see your beauty as he bathes you in love... perfect love, unconditional love, forgiving love, everlasting love.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!..." -1 John 3:1

Missing you

Your friend still stuck here on earth,
~ Awake


Steve Holy-Good Morning Beautiful

What Love Lives For, by Liquid Illuzion

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a thousand seconds,
held within the many minutes
of each hour,
that makes up,
for each of us,
a single day,
which in turn,
creates the weeks that pass,
landing in the pocket of our hearts,
tending to add up to the months
that can seem so short,
while rapidly accumulating the years
that seem to fly us by.
if we are blessed,
.......not lucky.......
This would be
what I believe to be the the very moment
that made all the times,
both
good and bad,
all
worth the while.

but,
i'm weird.
liquid

Note: Sharing a bit of liquid love with you. Part of this post is from the blog of Liquid Illuzion a.k.a Jeri Suzanne Horne who no longer dwells here on earth, but who lives on in spirit, and her blog. Please keep her family & friends in prayer. Some of this is from her post - "What Love Lives For..." Dated May 1, 2008. I like the comment section too. It reveals a lot. Liquid stats, "I like weird people". I guess that explains why she added me to her blogroll (Favorite Sipping Spots), so quickly. ;o)

Clay Aiken - Father & Gay / Lindsay Lohan Lesbian

Well folks it just might be true. Two new Hollywood stars coming out.

"National Coming Out Day isn't until Oct. 11, but two of Hollywood's most-rumored stars — Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan — may be observing that rite of passage early today.

Internet reports beginning to circulate now feature a People magazine cover with an October date showing Aiken holding his newborn son, Parker Foster Aiken, underneath the headline "Yes, I'm gay: The 'Idol' star opens up about his emotional decision to come out."

"I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things," he's quoted as saying on the cover.

Representatives from People have not yet returned calls to the Sun-Times. A statement from the magazine, however, was posted at mtv.com, saying only: "We can confirm that Clay Aiken and his son are featured on the next issue of People...

In other closet-opening news, many online outlets are reporting that Lindsay Lohan has "confirmed" a lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson.

Lohan and Ronson rarely have been seen apart for several months, and they too have dodged direct questions about the nature of their relationship.

But Lohan called into the Los Angeles-based radio show "Loveline" last night to comment on the recent fatal plane crash that injured former Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker and DJ AM. Host Ted Stryker asked Lohan how long she and Lohan had been "going out."

"Like two years? One year? Five months, two months?" he asked.

Lohan chuckled, then said, "A long, a very long time."

Stryker ended the conversation by saying, "Well, I hope you stay together. You are a very lovely looking couple." Lohan thanked him.

Confirmation, it seems, is in the eye (or ear) of the beholder."

Read the whole article at the Chicago Sun-Times

Grey's Anatomy: Doctors Erica Hahn & Callie Torres Lesbian Kiss

They showed Grey's Anatomy season final again. My favorite scene was the kiss between Doctor Erica Hahn (Brooke Smith), and Dr. Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez.) I'm predictable, ha? I think Torres is hot! The You Tube video has clips of the lesbian, (or bisexual) storyline leading up to the kiss as well as the kiss, (actually kisses).

If this post looks familiar it's a partial repeat. I just had to show it again since they did. ;)

So what is your prediction concerning Torres, and Hahn? This storyline is juicy so more should come of it. Hahn seemed to be talking about Cristina Yang a lot, so maybe some complication with Yang. What do you think will happen?


"Grey's Anatomy - Lesbian Storyline" (3:46 minutes)


"Callie & Erica - I Kissed a Girl" (2:09) (Word free, brighter version)

John Lennon - Give Peace a Chance - 1969 - Eric Clapton

John Lennon, and Yoko Ono signing "Give Peace a Chance" live in Toronto in 1969. Eric Clapton on the guitar. (3:24 minutes)

I don't know about you folks, but I need a peace break. With all the wars going on. Presidential candidates at each other. Plus some minor bumps in the road in my life. I just need to sing this song a few times, and meditate on peace. Want to join me for a moment? "All we are saying is give peace a chance."

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi married!

Congratulations ladies! May your love and marriage last forever!

(Newser) – "Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi married in an intimate ceremony at their Los Angeles home last night. Nineteen guests watched the couple exchange handwritten vows, including DeGeneres’s mom Betty and de Rossi’s mother Margaret Rogers. The couple wore Zac Posen—DeGeneres in a white chiffon shirt, white waistcoat, and trousers, and de Rossi in a backless, cream-and-pink halter-neck dress.

DeGeneres, 50, and de Rossi, 35, have been dating since 2004, and DeGeneres announced wedding plans on her show in May after California struck down a ban on gay marriage. "We are very, very excited," DeGeneres said earlier. Onlookers described the couple as “ecstatic.” To see photos, head to the Daily Mail.
sources~ People, Daily Mail (UK)"

Hot looking newlyweds!

Live well, Laugh often, and Love much

I've wondered where this wonderful saying originated, and found it at yahoo answers and Wikipedia. You can read more about it at Wikipedia.

This poem was written in 1904 by Elisabeth-Anne "Bessie" Anderson Stanley for a contest held in Brown Book Magazine.

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;

Who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children;

Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;

Who has never lacked appreciation of Earth's beauty or failed to express it;

Who has left the world better than he found it,

Whether an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul;

Who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had;

Whose life was an inspiration;

Whose memory a benediction.

Have You Ever Put Someone On A Pedestal?

Some of the facts have been changed so that the woman on the pedestal would be protected.

Have you ever put someone up on a pedestal? You know, thought that they were so special that they could do no wrong? That's how I felt about Mandy. When I lived in Syracuse I met an RN who was very special. She was not only a very caring and good nurse, but she was a Christian, and a perfect example. It wasn't just me that thought so, but many others.

Mandy had more then her share of problems. She had a chronic disease, and was often in pain. She had an abusive husband who was diagnoses as a sociopath. Yet, Mandy relied, and trusted in God so much that she acted like she didn't have a care in the world. She was upbeat, and joyful. She loved helping others, and had a huge heart. Mandy was very approachable, had many friends, and admiring peers. The patients respected, and liked her. She read the Bible on her breaks, and sometimes discussed it with others. More then that she seemed to embody love, joy, and forgiveness. In my book she was the very definition of an nearly perfect nurse, person, and Christian.

Today things changed a bit. Reality set in a bit. I Googled Mandy's name and found out that she had an action of misconduct as a nurse, and admitted to it. Mandy had taken a narcotic for her own use at work. The narcotic was meant for a patient. At first I was shocked, then I started to make excuses for her in my mind- She had a painful, chronic, disease, perhaps she was out of her own medication. Perhaps the patient was a sleep, and didn't need the med. Maybe that's what happened? Or maybe it was worse. Maybe Mandy had been on pain meds for so long that she was addicted.

At any rate, I know that her actions were wrong, and I'm sure that Mandy does too. Isn't it odd that some people can do 99% right, and good in there lives. Then there is that 1% that dashes them down to the ground. It reminds me of that movie Crash, best picture Oscar for 2005. Have you ever seen it? If you haven't, you should! I highly recommend it. Early in that movie you think that you have the good guys, and bad guys all figured out. Then at the end you realize that no one is 100% good, or bad, but we are all just human. We all make mistakes. That's not to say that we shouldn't try to do our best, but one quick wrong decision can mess up a life. I guess we can only do our best, and hope that we don't get slapped down to hard when we make a mistake. Or at lest that those around us, especially our loved ones, will be understanding.

Tonight my heart goes out to an old friend and colleague, her family, especially her children. I hope that her children realize that their mother is special in spite of imperfections.

Note to readers - I do not condone abuse, and personal believe that it is a deal breaker in a marriage. However, I understand Mandy's decision to stay with her husband, and respect her determination, love, and ability to forgive. She was not alone. Family members, some friends, and key people in her church knew. Both her, and her husband were receiving church, and professional counseling. I also would have respected Mandy if she had chosen to leave him.

California same-sex weddings and Ellen VS. McCain

California gay weddings start today. Hallelujah! Here are some snippiest from various newspapers about it. At the end is a YouTube video from the Ellen Degeneres Show where she interviews John McCain about same-sex marriage. I think that she did a wonderful job. It's only 3 minutes long, and well worth seeing.

California wedding one more step on long road -

This evening, some county clerks in California will stay open late to start issuing marriage licenses and officiating the exchange of vows for gay and lesbian couples - the first of thousands of same-sex marriages expected in the coming days.

It's a bold step that has been hailed by many gay-rights advocates as a significant milestone while being attacked by opponents as an unmistakable sign of societal decay.

As of Friday evening, 646 same-sex couples had booked appointments to get marriage licenses at San Francisco City Hall over the next 10 days... But the latest wave of same-sex marriages may be short-lived. The court's ruling could be undone when California voters are asked on Nov. 4 to decide an initiative sponsored by conservative religious and legal organizations...

Calif. same-sex weddings will affect other states -

New Yorkers heading west for weddings have a big advantage over most other non-California same-sex couples. New York Gov. David Paterson has stipulated that state law requires recognition of legal marriages performed elsewhere, including same-sex unions.

Most other states have statutes or constitutional amendments specifying that marriage is between a man and a woman, and denying recognition to same-sex unions. The federal government also doesn't recognize such unions...

California economy boosted by gay marriage bonanza -

California's economy is poised for a multi-million-dollar windfall as same-sex marriages get underway here Monday, with the tourist sector eyeing a bonanza as gays and lesbians flock to the state to tie the knot...

YouTube - Ellen Degeneres and John McCain Debate Gay Marriage (3 minutes)

The Card: A Sign of Dementia?

The following has been altered due to respect, and confidentiality.


A relative sent me a card recently. I will call her Katie. The card was about a special family occasion that takes place every year. This year Katie signed it "Love Granny." The problem is, she is not my Grandmother. She has grandchildren, and might have gotten mixed up, but I think it's more then that. I have noticed a slight decline in her memory for the last few years. Nothing major, but noticeable. Katie is in her late 70's. Her only sibling, (Mag), had dementia and was tested for Alzheimer's disease just before she died. Mag died before the results came back, but it was probably positive. So I'm a bit worried about Katie. I can't call her. She is gone for the summer, and I don't have long distance. At lest some of the family will be with her.

Katie is one of the nicest, sweetest, people you could know. She loves her family, is very caring, generous, loving, very friendly. She is the type of person that you would feel proud to have as a friend. A good, loyal, friend. But time might be taking a toll on her.

As a Nursing Assistant, (CNA.) I know that old age can be cruel. I have seen some people decline physically, and mentally to the point of torture. That's what I would call it. If one human did those things to another, it would be considered torture. I just don't want that to happen to Katie.

Several years ago Katie had a heart condition, and was operated on. If she hadn't had the operation she might have died. But it might have been a relatively quick death. Unfortunately modern science, (medicine), sometimes can be a curse in old age. I hope that when it is her time, that she goes quickly. I hope that she never regrets having that operation.

Please say a prayer for her.

What Music Uplifts You?

As you may know, I suffer from depression. I like music, and that it can be very uplifting. It can be a type of therapy. I listen to the radio, but don't have many CD's. I am looking for some uplifting music. Do you have any ideas? I especially like soft rock, and oldies, sometimes Christian music. It's hard to find something with uplifting lyrics. What do you listen to that brings you out of a bad mood? (What album, or artist, etc.)

Added later - I'm looking for a CD.

A Generation Disappears

My grandmother died. Alright, she wasn't my grandmother, she was my cousins. But I was taught to call her grandma. No one told me that she wasn't. So for the first few years of my life I thought that she was. After all didn't everyone have 3 sets of grandparents? ;o) Eventually I figured it out, but I kept calling her grandma.

She was a nice, cheerful, Italian women who was a good cook, and loved her family. At the memorial, most of the stories centered around her love of family, and cooking. I guess that doesn't sound extraordinary in writing, but if you knew her then you knew someone special. She lived to the ripe old age of 96. The last of the grandparents to die. My three sets of grandparents have all left this earth. A whole generation has died off.

Wasn't it just yesterday that we all were at our summer place at the 1000 Islands? Didn't we all just take a swim together? Yesterday didn't we go boating, and fishing together? Eat freshly caught Pike with home made dressing together? Didn't we just play several hands of cards together; the whole family? Today a generation disappeared.

Those of us who are left have all moved up a generation. My parents generation is now the oldest. My generation is second oldest, and so on. This is the way of things. Such is life. But it hurts! A generation disappeared, but will always be remembered.

The older I get, the more I cling to those precious memories when I was a kid at our second home at the 1000 Islands. Both sides of my family were together. Everyone was alive, young, and had fun together. We had time. When your a kid you think that things won't change. But oh, my, how things have changed!

I don't believe in worshiping the dead, as some people do. But I think that they may be on to something. I won't worship the dead, but I do feel like honoring the dead in a specially way. Some sort of small ceremony, maybe once a month, or season. I will have to think about how to do that. At any rate I do remember.

A generation disappears. Gone, but never forgotten.

Send FREE Rice To Those In Need By Playing A Game!

If you go to freerice(dot)com You can play a fun vocabulary Internet game. For each word that you get right, 20 grains of rice will be donated by the sponsors to the UN World Food Program to help end world hunger. It does not cost you a penny! No string attached. You don't have to join anything. Just have fun, play, and improve your vocabulary. Meanwhile, your feeding the poor! If your competitive try beating my score. I just played a quick game worth 500 grains of rice. My vocabulary score level was 24.

Please spread the word, blog about this, tell a friend! Help end world hunger the easy, fun way. You have nothing to lose.

Click here to play.

Skeptical? Read this...

No Hoax: Free Rice Website Feeds the Hungry.

Wordless Wednesday

I originally saw this on Dr. Deb's site. Thanks for posting it!

"What's The Difference?"

by Rannie Turnigan for the 20 x 2 Project.

My Worst Easter

The following story has been altered in order to protect the confidentiality of the patient, and family members. This topic may not be suitable for young people.

This Sunday many have been my worst Easter ever. I worked in the nursing home that morning. I was assigned a 1 on 1 case. Before I walked in I received report from the Nurse on duty... "Joe is a dying patient. He had stopped eating, and drinking. Joe is in his late 80's, unresponsive, and had the death rattle, (chain stokes breathing), with slight modeling to one small area on one of his legs. He is DNR (do not resuscitate), and on hospice care." The Nurse added that she didn't believe that Joe would die on our shift.

The family was obviously grieving, but were as nice as could be. His daughter Julie came up to me immediately, and introduced herself, and her brother Sam. Throughout the shift they included me in the conversation, and even offered me some food that they had brought in. You could tell that they were both caring, down to earth people.

Throughout the shift I made sure that Joe received the best of care. I bathed him, put lotion on him, changed his gown, oral care, frequent repositioning. You know the works. When that family left to have lunch I read to Joe from his favorite book, and talked to him.

In my 20 years as a C.N.A. I have seen scores of dying patients. I have witnessed the death of about a half dozen or so. This was not foreigner to me. I noticed that Joe had some strength. He wasn't limp when I turned him. Also his breathing was very regular. I didn't need to count his reparations, but did often. They were always around 14 which was average. I concluded that Joe was to strong to die during my shift. I silently agreed with Nurse Julie's assessment. Of course I didn't tell the family that. Being an Aide, I was in no position to do so, besides it is all subjective.

Later in the shift the Nurse came in, and gave Joe his Morphine. I wish that I had looked at the clock, because that is when the change occurred. Minutes later there were several changes. Over a period of about 20 minutes Joe seem to weaken, his jaw dropped, his breathing changed. Breathing wise, he went on automatic. That's what I call it. It's the very slight difference between an unresponsive patient having some input into his breathing, to no input. It was like he was no longer in control, and part of him seemed gone. I can't describe it other then that.

The family had gathered around the bed, talking to him, and holding his hands. They were both crying. Joe soon stopped breathing, about 30 seconds later he was white as a sheet. Joe was gone. It happened so fast. I remember looking up just above Joe's head, half expecting to see his spirit, or feel his spiritual presents. It happened so fast, that I wondered if he was hovering over his body for a few seconds. But I saw/felt no ghost.

My eyes filled up. It caught me off guard. I didn't expect him to die. I muttered a few words to the family in a fruitless attempt to comfort. I have never been good at that. I never know what to say. My voice cracked as I spoke. I was on the verge of crying, but needed to get a hold of myself. I had learned professional distancing. Usually I could hold back the tears until I got home. That's something that you learn in this business, but still it is very difficult sometimes. Losing a patient is always hard.

Julie the Nurse came in. I couldn't help but wonder if she had killed Joe by administering the Morphine. I knew that the doctor ordered it, but she did administer it. There are some days that I am glad I didn't finish Nursing school.

Morphine is often given to dying patients in order to control pain. It can change breathing patterns, and decrease the respiration rate. It is somewhat controversial. I have heard discussions though out the years. Some Nurses refused to give the P.R.N. med, because they feel that it could kill the patient. Other Nurses give the Morphine to make sure the patient is comfortable.

When I was in my early 20's taking care of my mother who was dying of cancer, one of my mothers meds was Morphine. None of the hospice Nurses told me that it possibly could hasten my mothers death. They should have! The family should always know. Fortunately, I know from the circumstances that it was not the Morphine that killed mom. Otherwise I would feel guilt stricken even to this day. You would think that after all these years, they would have found a drug that could be effective for relieving pain without affecting the breathing. Yes, there are days that I am glad I am not a Nurse. They have to make some very difficult choices.

When I got home I received an e-mail from a friend. She had contracted a Superbug, and had to go into the hospital for surgery. Yes, this Easter was my worst Easter ever.


Additional reading:
Dying and Death in a Nursing Home

HAPPY EASTER! The Easter Song by 2nd Chapter of Acts

This song brings back memories. It was written in 1974, but I never heard it until I was in Bible College. It was one of my favorites. It was written during a time in which they had the best Christian music that I have ever heard. It was during the era called Jesus movement. Enjoy!


The Easter Song by 2nd Chapter of Acts

Cute Joke

“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals, and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn’t mean God doesn’t love heterosexuals, it’s just that they need more supervision.”
~ Lynn Lavner, a lesbian comic

Rochester Gay Man Beaten Unconscious

Rochester, N.Y. is suppose to be one of the most tolerant cities, but you wouldn't know it sometimes. Look at this mans face. When they find his attacker, I hope that they lock him up for a very long time.

Hate crime victim talks about the attack.

He said he was beat up until he was unconscious because he's gay, and police agree. Now police are looking to arrest a suspect in what they're calling a hate crime. News 10NBC talked exclusively with the victim.

Lance Neve said he was in the bar minding his own business and was then attacked.

"I was punched and I went to the floor," Lance said. "He continued to beat my head into the floor." Lance Neve doesn't remember much until he woke up at Strong Hospital. "With a tube down my throat and my arms tied to the bed," Lance said.

Mr. Neve has a surprising reaction. See more including video at the link.

Update March 17th-

The jerk turned himself in. Jesse Parsons turned himself in to Ogden Police. On the TV they said that Parsons has been in jail before. The attack left Lance Neve with a fractured skull, a broken nose as well as multiple bruises. Parsons is currently in jail and held on $15,000 bail. He is scheduled to be in court on Thursday.