Broken Toys

The older I get the more I see us as broken toys. God's broken toys. I guess this post might seem more cynical tonight, because it's not a good night for me.

I never use to notice the imperfections as much. Maybe when we are younger we don't have as many, or I was just naive and couldn't see them. Or maybe with time we acquired more. But we all seem to have chinks in our armor, addictions, hooks, faults. A Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön calls it Shenpa.

We all have things to overcome. Mental problems like anxiety, depression, paranoia. Addictions to sex, drugs, alcohol, food, anger. Knee jerk reactions like pulling back from others because we have experienced passed hurts/disappointments, and are afraid of a replay. I've become an expert at that. The list of addictions, and acquired problems goes on, and on.

The statistics are bleak, (addictions at least). The majority don't overcome. I'm not happy with that. I spoke to someone about therapy. I am finally telling some people how bad my last episode of depression was. I called a mental health center. Usually it takes months to get into see someone. When I told her about my last episode of depression, she said that she would put a rush on it. I heard back within 48 hours. I guess I really do need therapy.

I usually am not angry. But lately I've been angry that I have depression, and it's not going away on it's own. I'm angry because I am beginning to realize that it has screwed up my life more then I thought. Invaded many aspects of my life. I'm also scared. I'm scared that I might not get better.

So what do we say about these chinks in our armor? We could say a lot. Tonight I see it as making us more human. Our similar imperfections draws us together. Maybe that's what a big chunk of being on this third rock from the sun is about. Relating to each other. Learning from one another, supporting, caring, sharing. Just relating. If we were perfect maybe we wouldn't interact so much. Maybe life is not so much about the outcome of being healed of additions, and solving problems, as it is about the interactions. Touching each others lifes. The journey. But don't get me wrong, I want this depression to disappear. I sure hope this isn't as good as it gets. Maybe I should call Tom Cruise, and ask him to wave his Scientology wand over me and cure me? Hm, I wounder if Dr. Deb might have his number? Life's a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

YouTube - The Beatles - With a little help from my friends


Related Posts - Therapy and Me

Are You Gay OR Straight? (Part 1)

ETC - Electroconvulsive Therapy or Shock Treatments

Therapy - What Works?

An Uncomplimentary Blogger, Dr. Phil, and Forgiveness

This is a continuation of my last post called- What Do You Do When Someone Blogs About You? If you haven't read it, and the comments, please do so before reading further. You will not understand this post unless you read the last.

First of all I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post. Your suggestions, and remarks were kind, thoughtful, and thought provoking.

Secondly, I don't want you to think that the uncomplimentary blogger is a monster. When I knew her in real life, she was nice, sweet, and sensitive. Since then it seems that life has kicked her in the gut one to many times, and she has reacted to it. When I saw her online I was so thrilled to see my old friend that I tried to get close to her quickly. It was bad timing because she was dealing with some recent kicks in the gut, and wasn't ready to be friends with anyone. However, the way in which she treated and rejected me was hash, threatening, and undeserving.

I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Phil McGraw, but on Wednesday the 23rd he said some things that made sense to me. The segment was about Mormon, (LDS), boys that were kicked out of their homes. They were force to leave because they were seen as a threat to some of the older polygamist men. This is the same compound in Texas that has been on the news.

Dr. Phil was talking with these boys, and asked them if they wanted to go back home if give the chance. The boys said yes, but knew that they would be treated like outsiders. They knew that the door would be locked on them. Dr. Phil said that even though they were rejected, they could get closure just by making it known that they still wanted a relationship, and keeping the door of their hearts open, and forgiving. I saw the parallel. I was rejected by a former good friend, someone who I regarded as family. I now believe that I need to continue to leave the door open, forgive, and turn the other cheek. Maybe this can bring me closure. This person knows my e-mail address, and can get in touch with me if she wants. There is no need to overreact, and to stop blogging. I once wrote her in an e-mail that "it would be a shame if we could not find a way to be friends". I still believe that, but maybe this isn't the day for it. It's poor timing.

What Do You Do When Someone Blogs About You?

I'm just so doggone tired of this!

What do you do when someone blogs about you in a negative way, tells lies, and won't stop? I reached out my hand in friendship to a fellow blogger. Actually we knew each other years ago in real life, had a good relationship, and were very close. I don't want to be specific about the nature of the relationship. Anyway, when I saw her online and tired to befriend her, she didn't want to be friends. She said that she had severe mental problems, and couldn't handle being friends. Then she told me to go to hell, and not to contact her. It hurt. We do have history. I care about her. But what can you do? So I'm leaving her alone.

The thing is that she blogs about me every now and then. And she has done it again very recently. It is obviously about me. I recognize myself, although she never mentions me by name. She sometimes ends her posts with, "this is about me, not you". Or something similar. Oh really? Interesting she would end it that way. Don't you think so? Also... get this... she has a blog diary that is private. If she wants to get something off her chest, why not use her online locked diary? Why put this stuff in a blog that she knows I can read? Plus she is writing things that simply are not true. It's like she is allowed to talk to me or gossip about me, but I am not allowed to respond. She is taunting, and teasing me. Don't you think so?

I find it interesting that she is thinking about me so much. She continues to send messages to me though her blog, even after she told me to leave her alone. However, I have been silent, left her alone, and stopped e-mailing her long ago.

I have kept the lines of communication open on my end. (I'm to tender-hearted sometimes.) If she wants to say something about me then make it a 2 way communication so I can respond! What she is doing is not right, kind, or far!

I have Evidence!

(Betsy walked into Linda's office with several office memos tucked under her arm.) You know I don't like a lot of office memos. I asked you not to send so many, but you did. I have EVIDENCE! (She yelled as she slammed the memos down on her coworkers desk).

(Linda looked stunned. It was obvious she didn't see this coming. She knew that Betsy had a problem with the volume of memo's, and thought that she had cut back on them to Betsy's satisfaction.)

(Betsy unloaded on Linda. Pointing to the office memos) Look! This is from 1/20, 1/19, 1/15, 1/14 etc. EVIDENCE! You are being disrespectful to me!

(Linda thumbed though the office memos with a bewildered look on her face. She never expected this outburst of anger. And Betsy had said nothing since Linda cut down on the memo's to her. Linda thought that things were fine between them.)

Just a moment Betsy. (Linda said, as she sifted though the responses to the office memos that Betsy sent to her.)

Ah, here it is. Here is your letter that you sent to me requesting that I cut down on office memos to you. Your letter states that I should send you office memos "once or twice a week, or less frequently." Later, you sent me a reminder letter that was very vague. It states. Send me memos "sometimes, off and on". I know that I cut down, (Linda explained.) I didn't actually count the memos at the time, (Linda picked up, and looked at the memos), but it looks like on average it was twice a week. I thought I was doing well in that area for you. You are the only one here that has a problem with my memos, but I cut down on the ones that I send to you, at your request. I have several people that I send memos to on a more frequent basis, they seem to enjoy them. I get a good response. Besides that, I have keep the memos to you shorter, and of a less personal nature. Keeping things light.

You see Betsy, I enjoy sending office memos to people, like you enjoy Blogging. Plus it is my main means of communication, but I cut down at your request. I thought that I was doing rather well, and was surprised to see you so angry when you entered my office. In the month that I cut down on office memos, you gave no indication whatsoever that you had a problem with my memos. This came out of the blue. I feel that I have bent backward to meet your request, but you did not appreciate my effort.

Related Post: Betsy and Linda (Office Talk)

Standing with a Pal

A Pal of mine is apparently being stalked. She posted an e-mail on her blog that she apparently received from the stalker. I think it's a recent e-mail, but not sure. I hope it's not the same person who was stalking her several months ago. Due to confidentiality I won't give any details.

I can empathize with her. I was stalked before, myself. My heart, and good thoughts go out to her. Unfortunately she reacted by pulling back from everyone. But recently she reached out to me by adding me to her "Blog Soldiers" and "del.icio.us", so that when I registered I was lead to her blog. Cool!

I wish her the best, and stand with her. In doing so, I have added several websites to my blog under the heading "Being Stalked? Good resources". I plan to leave them up for about a week.

Breathe Just Breathe!