Please pray for Liquid illuzion's family (Jeri Suzanne Horne)

This Christmas Eve will mark the first anniversary of the suicide of Liquid illuzion. Please say a prayer (or send good vibes) for her family and friends, especially her children. I'm sure that Christmas will never be the same for them.

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Frozen in Time by Awake in Rochester

Last Photograph

Last poem

Last words

Last post

Last phone call

Last Christmas cards sent

Last kiss

Last words to children

All frozen in time

Forever 42

Bits & pieces, scraps, I try to glean from you.

You thoughts on paper try to understand.

You photographs I beg for.

Why?

Why did you have to go?

I try to understand.

Your spirit occasionally I can connect.

But you can not speak words to me in present.

I think it's a crime.

Forever frozen in time.

"For we see now through a dim window obscurely, but then face to face..." 1 Cor. 13:12

photo credit

Happy Suicide Awareness Day! Yippee! (Sept. 10)

I'm aware of suicide. I think about it all the time. Ha, ha. Er, if you want to read a GOOD post on Suicide Awareness Day then visit Dr. Deb. Meanwhile, I'll head to the semi-dark/sick humor side. If it scares you then...BOO!...don't read it. ...Wimp!

True Story - An old man's family wanted to put him away in a nursing home, so the guy built a "death machine" that repeatedly fired a 22 caliber gun at him. I guess it was his final F/U to his family. I don't condone what he did but at lest he was creative, original, and good with his hands. Hm, maybe he can fix my toaster? Oops, to late!

Thought - IF depression is a disease, and suicide is a part of depression; does that mean that those who die from suicide die from a disease?

10 Waring Signs of Suicide

1) You tied your tie, and it ends up looking like a noose.

2) When you hear the word "suicide" you turn and reply "Yes" as if your name was called.

3) You have 4 library books about suicide at home (Yeah!)

4) You click your heals three times repeating, "Please God take me home". (Amen!)

5) Your favorite "South Park" character is Kenny. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" "Those bastards!"

6) You have scars on your wrists, and tell people that your writs were run over by a bicycle.

7) Last week you became deliriously happy while planing your suicide and gave all your possessions to charity.

8) You had sex with your husband for the first time in 8 months. It was a "goodbye fuck".

9) During your depression group you take a poll asking for the top 3 ways they would "off themselves."

10) When a burglar robs your bank, you stick your finger in the barrel of his gun and say, "Make my day!"


Thought - I once related to those grieving for someone who committed suicide. Now I relate to the people who committed suicide.


True Story - Kevin Hines jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and lived. He said that he wouldn't have jumped if ONE person had bothered to say "hello" to him. After recovering from a broken back, and months of rehab, Kevin now talks with those who are suicidal.

Poem - Its all gone up in smoke. My life's become a big joke. People no longer see me, just depression city. Sick of worrying, crying, and the weight. The sight of me I really do hate. Wish it would be over soon. Maybe it will be before noon.

HEY, if you can relate to this post, (especially the last part), then you are a sick puppy and in need of help. Make an appointment with a local counselor, or if you need help yesterday call 1-800-273-TALK(8255). You might be aware that I'm not crazy for shrinks, (except maybe for Dr. Deb), but do as I say not as I do, and you'll be alright. Get help if you need it!

SONG - Never Too Late by Three Days Grace (YouTube)


Note: This blog owner will self destruct in three days! Ha, ha, just joking! This blog owner admits to watching to many sick South Park programs.

photo credit

Song - Last Resort by Papa Roach

I find an odd comfort in relating with those who understand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3soskkvYBgM

Personal Update - Depression is Worse

I've spared you. ;) I've written half a dozen post drafts pertaining to depression, and suicide. I knew that I couldn't post them because I would lose some of my readers, but I have a lot on my mind and heart these days. I just want to share a little of it with you.

I wrote a very frank letter to Liquid Illuzion. For those of you who didn't know her, she was a loving, talented, caring person, who was bi-polar, and sadly took her life. I miss her. I wrote the letter because I thought she was one of the few people who could understand where I'm at. I probably won't post the letter because it is brutally honest, and might be hurtful to her friends and family. However, the process of writing the letter was positive for me. I cried like a baby and got a lot out that I haven't been able to express to anyone else. (Funny, I thought I was all cried out.) I really feel that she's been with me lately.

So how am I? The depression has been noticeably worse in recent months, and certain unhealthy thought come to my mind to often. This isn't good for several reasons bedsides the obvious. 1) I often am unaware that I'm in depression because it has become my norm. So when I'm aware of it, that means I've entered into a deeper stage of depression. 2) Usually in summer the depression decreases. Winter is my most difficult season because I have winter depression on top of the regular depression. That makes me wonder if I'll make it thought this winter, if things continue.

Life if now a constant struggle. It's exhausting! Life is one huge unsolvable problem. I feel so hurt, like I'm bleeding inside. I feel like a burden to those who have tried to help me. Frankly, I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm no good for anyone, especially myself. The person that I've become is someone that I don't recognize anymore. Well, that's just a small fraction of the stuff that I've wanted to post, but you get the picture.

I went to the Health Department for food stamps, and such. I mentioned the depression, and they are sending me to a shrink for evaluation. This ought to be interesting. As you know, I don't have much faith in shrinks because I knew two crazy counselors. I figure that If those counselors with all their knowledge can't help themselves, than how can any counselor help me? Who knows? This might just be a quick evaluation to satisfy the health department and that's all. So I'll jump though their hoop. I'll give you an update if it's worth mentioning.

Related Posts: This Isn't Me and, I can't do this anymore...

Photo credit

Wordless Wednesday - Liquid

Wish I could talk with you. I think you would understand. Not many can. (I'm referring to depression & suicide issues)


Photo of Liquid Illuzion, photo credit - Writing in Faith (Sandy Carlson)

Police Call is Resolved. How Depressed Am I?

Thank God! A family member paid my debt. He didn't tell me until days later. I guess he wanted to make sure that I applied at Social Services for assistance. I don't like getting a hand out from the government, (it will take 45 days before I receive anything).

So while I was terrified thinking that the cops might bust down my door because of a bounced check, (see previous post) I was trying to locate my carotid artery, and sharpening my knives. Gee, just how depressed am I!?

I keep forgetting how depressed I am until something happens to reveal it. Then I realize that I'm standing on top of a cliff with my toes hanging over the edge.

Why don't I see how depressed I am? Because it has become my normal state. I've been like this for so long that I don't even realize the degree of depression that I'm in.

This police incident just reminded me of how depressed I am. It's become a vicious cycle - depression & anxiety from the deaths of several family members --> less work --> less money & increased debt --> feelings of guilt, failure, self-hatred --> deeper depression & deeper anxiety.

The cycle goes on and on. I slowly sink deeper, and deeper without even realizing it. It's become a way of life until one day I realize that I'm standing on top of a cliff with my toes hanging over the edge. I just don't see it most of the time. I'm under the illusion that I'm coping well enough.

Note: Hyperbole was used in this post and not meant to be interpreted literally.

Related Post - The Police Called

The Police Called

A police officer left a phone message for me. He said that he was at company ABZ (not real name) and about to fill out a complaint on me because a check that I wrote a year go for $240 that had bounced. He said that if I didn't pay the money that I would be arrested.

What a shock! At first I thought that it was a bad joke so I called 911, but I found out it was legitimate. The officer was off duty when I called.

Can they do that? Can they arrest someone for a bounced check? And if they did arrest me would my career as a Nursing Assistant be over? They do good background checks on Nursing Assistants. I might never be able to get another job.

I called ABZ company and talked with the owner, but didn't get anywhere. I started to panic so I called my cousin. He also called the company, but the owner wouldn't budge.

The next day I couldn't stop crying. I kept looking at the door every few minutes wondering when the police would come. I don't have $240 or I would pay it. I have about $5, and I'm virtually out of a job. I felt like a sitting duck wondering when the police would come arrest me, so I left my apartment for most of the day. My neighbor told me that no one came to the door while I was gone.

The depression & anxiety that was starting to diminished is back in full force now. I've been crying my eyes out, and terrified. I'm not sleeping. I no longer feel safe in my home. I hate myself for being in such a mess. It's always something. I'm just so sick of it. So sick of struggling. Life has become such a struggle socially, and financially that I sometimes just want it to end. I just hate myself.

I'm going to go to Social Services to see if I can get financial help, but I doubt it. I was just there several months ago. I called my agency, but they still don't have work. My cousin says that he will talk to the police officers, but what good will that do? It's nice of him to want to do that, but I don't think that it will make a difference.

So I sit in my apartment crying and wondering if/when I'll hear a knock at the door from the police and be arrested. I'm scared to death! God, how I hate myself. Sometimes I really don't want to be here.

Two years to find a treatment for you

Imagine that you have an illness. You go to your doctor for help and....

Your Dr. says, - "We think we can help you, but it will take two years to find the proper treatment."

You ask - "Two Years!? WHY"?

He replies, - "We have to find the right medication and therapy combination. People react differently. You will just have to be patient. It'll take time. You will have to try various drugs and various therapies until we hit on something effective. But we think we can find something that will work ...eventually."

What would you think? How would you feel? How would you react?

I just saw the program Second Opinion. (TV show with real doctors discussing real illnesses.) It was about depression. They said that treatment often works, but it is not unusual for it to take two years. Doctors have to find the right meds & treatment combo, and that is individual. It takes time.

The other day I read that 60% of people who commit suicide are in therapy. Now I understand. Sometimes people who are clinically depressed can be suicidal, and to not be helped, even when in therapy, must be further depressing to them. Can you imagine being told that you have an illness, and yet you can't get an effective treatment for two years? Heck, that's depressing it itself!

I've had trouble with depression and anxiety. I'm not crazy about therapy in the first place, and this is not good news. I'm not saying that I have thoughts of suicide. I am not saying that. But things aren't good. The depression is slowly getting worse. And what I heard today is bad news. Imagine that you were ill and your doctor said that he MIGHT be able to help you in TWO years. How the hell would you feel? I feel a bit pissed off right now.

Related Posts - "This Isn't Me" AND "IF I saw a therapist..."

Good Article on Suicide

I read a good article on suicide that I want to share with you. I'll summarize it, but I encourage you to read all of it.

Keep in mind that suicide rates rise during recessions, and depressions. As you know, the world is in the worst economic period since the great depression. Back then the suicide rates increased, and we will see that happen again. Financial hardships like the loss of a job, and/or house can cause depression. Depression is a major cause of suicides. Economic hardship not only happens to the poor and elderly, but can happen to anyone. I know someone in his 50's who had a master degree and a good job. He made about $75,000 a year. He recently lost his job, and can't find another. Fortunately he has a good supportive wife who is employed, but it is still difficult for him. To my knowledge he is not suicidal, but he very easily could be. So keep an eye on your loved ones.

This article summery is from today's addition of The New York Times -

Suicide and Suicidal Behavior

Suicide is the act of deliberately taking one's own life. Suicidal behavior is any deliberate action with potentially life-threatening consequences, such as taking a drug overdose or deliberately crashing a car.

Causes

Suicidal behaviors can accompany many emotional disturbances, including depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. More than 90% of all suicides are related to a mood disorder or other psychiatric illness.

Suicidal behaviors often occur in response to a situation that the person views as overwhelming, such as social isolation, death of a loved one, emotional trauma, serious physical illness, aging, unemployment or financial problems, guilty feelings, or dependence on alcohol or other drug.

In the U.S., suicide accounts for about 1% of all deaths each year. Suicide is now the third leading cause of death for 15- to 19-year-olds, after accidents and homicide.

Many suicides involve a firearm. This is especially true in elderly men, in which 80% of suicides are performed with a gun.

Relatives of people who seriously attempt or complete suicide often blame themselves or become extremely angry, seeing the attempt or act as selfish. However, when people are suicidal, they often mistakenly believe that they are doing their friends and relatives a favor by taking themselves out of the world. These irrational beliefs often drive their behavior.

Symptoms

Early signs:

• Depression
• Statements or expressions of guilt feelings
• Tension or anxiety
• Nervousness
• Impulsiveness

Critical signs:

• Sudden change in behavior, especially calmness after a period of anxiety
• Giving away belongings, attempts to "get one's affairs in order"
• Direct or indirect threats to commit suicide
• Direct attempts to commit suicide

Treatment

Emergency measures may be necessary after a person has attempted suicide like first aid, and CPR.

Hospitalization is often needed to treat the recent actions and to prevent future attempts. Psychiatric intervention is one of the most important aspects of treatment.

Outlook (Prognosis)

Suicide attempts and threats should always be taken seriously. About one-third of people who attempt suicide will repeat the attempt within 1 year, and about 10% of those who threaten or attempt suicide eventually do kill themselves.

Mental health care should be sought immediately. Dismissing the person's behavior as attention-seeking can have devastating consequences.

When to Contact a Medical Professional

A person who threatens or attempts suicide MUST be evaluated immediately by a mental health professional. NEVER IGNORE A SUICIDE THREAT OR ATTEMPT!

Prevention

Many people who attempt suicide talk about it before making the attempt. Sometimes, simply talking to a sympathetic, nonjudgmental listener is enough to prevent the person from attempting suicide. For this reason suicide prevention centers have telephone "hotline" services. Again, do not ignore a suicide threat or attempted suicide.

As with any other type of emergency, it is best to immediately call the local emergency number (such as 911). Do not leave the person alone even after phone contact with an appropriate professional has been made.

Click here to read more of this article

By the way, I read that most suicides take place in spring.

U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Other reading -

Suicide.org

Army Data Show Raise in Number of Suicides

I can't do this anymore...

I can't do this anymore. I can't see another person die. Another person dead. I can't see suffering. I'm used up and useless. I've seen so many dead bodies in my life time as a nursing assistant. I just can't. I can't anymore. I've felt this way ever since my 3 relatives died, 3 in a row. Especially my father. I just can't do my work anymore. My relatives don't understand. My not having work is a symptom, not a cause. I just can't do this work anymore.

Tonight I saw an old woman die on Gray's Anatomy, and I cried. I cried uncontrollably. She looked like one of my old patients, but I couldn't remember which one.

How many dead bodies have I seen? I don't know. How many people have I watched suffer? I don't know. It's been over 20 years now. I just can't do this anymore. I just can't. This is nothing new. I know this, but I bury it inside. Bury it till I forget. My family probably thinks that I'm lazy, but I just can't handle what I use to be able to handle. I just can't take it anymore. That's why I probably have panic attacks sometimes before I go into work. That's why I'm not looking very hard for a full time facility job. I've had my fill. I'm imploding and no one gets it. No more dead bodies! No more dead people! Please God! No more suffering! God, can't you hear me? How long on this merry-go-round must I ride? This merry-go-round from hell?

What can I do if I don't work as a nursing assistant? I don't know anything else but taking care of the sick and dying. This is all I know, but I just can't. I can't do this anymore. Why can't you hear me God? It's been so long. I've been paralyzed inside. Imploding slowly in silence. I don't know who I am anymore. I've become this person who just can't handle life.

This Isn't Me

This isn't me - Sometimes crying myself to sleep. If I'm able to sleep much at all.

This isn't me - Greeting the morning by saying "Ah shit!"

This isn't me - Occasionally having a panic attack outside of work, and having to talk to myself out loud and pray in order to be able to walk inside.

This isn't me - Sometimes going to a family gathering. Hardly saying a word, and trying not to be noticed because I feel like I will be rejected.

This isn't me - Worrying about money almost every day. Sometimes it's my first thought in the morning.

This isn't me - Sometimes feeling numb or frozen, other times feeling intense emotional pain.

This isn't me - Sometimes canceling a job interview, or social engagement because I can't face people, or fear rejection, or feel to emotionally exhausted, or to sad.

This isn't me - Someone who needs to be supported by others, rather then support.

This isn't me - Feeling like I'm stuck in a huge pit that I can't get out of, and I'm slowly sinking further, and further down.

This isn't me. This is the depression, and anxiety in my life. It has taken over to the degree that others no longer see the real me, and sometimes I can't either. It's like being encased in a thick shell. But I'm still in here, deep down inside. Hoping and praying that a miracle will occur, and my life will be normal again. But I wonder if it ever will?


Disclaimer - These examples might be totally based on my experiences, or partially, or perhaps not at all.

What NOT To Do When Depressed (Top 10)

The last few days I've been in a dark place in my mind. Unfortunately, it doesn't take me long. So I made up this list. It is dark humor, morbid. I just need some humor now, and this does the trick from me. If your sensitive about suicide, or suicidal, you many not want to read this.<= odd sentence.

What NOT To Do When Depressed (Top 10)

10) Take inventory of the meds in your cabinet. Call your local pharmacies and ask him which pill combination would be most lethal.

9) Take longer then usual washing kitchen knifes thinking, "I wonder how sharp this REALLY is."

8) Go up to your republican, redneck, war vet, neighbor who is cleaning his shotgun. Tell him that Pres. Bush was no better then Hitler, and V.P. Cheney is the devil incarnate. Insist that they both should have been impeached. Make sure to tell him that your a communist, gay, and despise America, (wear bright pink, and burn the flag while talking.)

7) When taking a pan out of the oven, don't use oven mitts. Explain to concerned onlookers, "My hands are cold."

6) Call a gun shop, and ask them if they can deliver a RUSH order.

5) Sign up for knife juggling lessons, or start wrestle alligators.

4) Think of getting back with severely mentally ill ex because she is capable of murder. (The local one, not the other nut job.)

3) Repeatedly sing the Theme from M*A*S*H - "Suicide is Painless."

2) Think of a different use for clothespins.

1) Eat huge amounts of burritos, with ex-large bean side order, all smothered with fiery hot sauce. Go into the furnace room and expel massive quantities of gas...then wait.


Disclaimer - Please do not try this at home, ah, or anywhere else.

No comments needed. Don't humor me, I'm being weird, ah, silly.

photo credit

Reach out. Listen. by DrowseyMonkey

I want to thank my guest for this insightful post. Funny, or serious, she writes from her heart is very sincere. So please make sure to visit. DrowseyMonkey !

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Awake in Rochester and I have been chatting a bit since her post Immersed in Liquid where she spoke of the recent suicide of Suzanne, someone she met through blogging.

In my comment on that post I mentioned that I volunteer on a crisis/help line. I've been doing that for about 6 years now. During that time most people who've called are not in the process of suicide but many do want to talk about it. Sometimes they feel it's an option for them and quite often it's something they've attempted in the past.

Suicide is a very complex issue and I am in no way an expert on the subject. What we do where I volunteer is listen. It may sound easy and rather passive but the reality is listening is not that easy to do especially when you're listening to someone in physical or emotional pain.

Think of conversations you've had recently - chances are there was a lot of talking but not a lot of listening. This, of course, is perfectly normal and it's how we interact socially.

Now think of a time someone told you they felt sad or that their life wasn't fulfilling. Chances are you reacted like most of us and you tried to cheer them up, told them about all the positive things in their life. It's a normal response.

What we're taught to do on the crisis line is to listen to a person's pain. Not try and convince them their life is good or that they're over-reacting ... rather we listen respectfully and without judgment.

Listening to someone talk and asking open-ended questions allows them the time to move through their feelings. Suicide has such a stigma in our society that very few of us talk about it. So allowing someone the space to do this can be very helpful for them. Often people realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation and they are then able to decide for themselves that suicide is not the right choice for them at this time.

Being the listener can seem rather passive at times which is one of the reasons it's so hard for most of us. We want to save people. Tell them how great they are and how great their life is. Of course we do! But when someone is really depressed that kind of conversation may make them feel like you're not listening to them. Which is actually the opposite of how you want them to feel.

When someone does die by suicide I think the hardest thing for everyone left behind is the feeling that they could have done something to make a difference. That if only I had done "this" or "that" the person would still be alive.

There are situations when suicide is a little easier to understand, for example when someone is suffering from a physical illness and their quality of life is deteriorating. It's still a difficult situation but most people empathize with someone in that type of situation. It's more difficult to understand why someone who seems perfectly healthy on the outside chooses suicide.

Someone I knew died by suicide last Fall. It was someone who had attempted before but in the past had reached out for help. This time they chose not to reach out. It was so hard to accept at first but ultimately I came to the realization that it was their choice. They knew where to call for help but chose not to and I have to respect that decision and move forward.

That may sound a bit detached or harsh, but it's not. It certainly hasn't been easy moving on, but with the help of others I'm doing that. Talking about how you feel is always important and I have a great group of people in my life who listen and give support. It works both ways of course because many in my life also knew the person who died and they're grieving as well.

As I said earlier, I'm certainly not an expert ... but there are lots of great places to get more information. One organization I really recommend is Living Works. I hope you check out their website there's so much there plus they also run workshops in many places around the world in the hopes of making communities "suicide-safer".

If you're thinking of suicide reach out to someone. Isolation increases thoughts of suicide. The thoughts are normal so don't be afraid to talk to someone about them. If there's no one you can talk to then call a crisis or suicide hotline, most communities have them. Don't keep your thoughts to yourself. Talking really helps and keeping it inside makes things worse.

If you're grieving the loss of a loved one by suicide ... again reach out and talk to someone. If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone you know call a crisis or help line ... that's what they're there for.

Check your local community for numbers to call, or check Befrienders Worldwide. They have a great list of organizations available around the world.

Reach out. Listen.

Repost - Grey's Anatomy: Lesbian Kiss, and Suicide

Grey's Anatomy - Lesbian Storyline


Due to the suicide of Jeri Suzanne Horne (Liquid Illuzion), I have asked someone to guest post about suicide. I'm crossing my fingers that they will. Meanwhile, I am reposting the only post that I have on the subject. I have added some links at the end. Obviously, I'm barely touching on the subject. I'm so glad that Liquid had/has a good sense of humor, because this post is an odd mixture.

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From Sept.19, 2008

Did you see the Grey's Anatomy season final? If you didn't, don't worry, I won't revel a great deal here. Just my favorite, and lest favorite scenes.

My favorite scene was the kiss between Erica Hahn, and Callie Torres. (I'm predictable, ha?) I think Torres is hot!

My least favorite scene was between Meredith, and her shrink. Meredith had a revelation, and realized that when her mother cut her wrist it was to get attention. After all she was a "excellent surgical nurse", and would have cut her -----, if she meant it. I hate that scene for several reasons.

1) If someone tries to commit suicide they are not in a rational state of mind, and they might try to kill themselves by any means. It might not be the most logic means. It should be seen as a serious attempt, and not just an attention getter.

2) They mention a more effective way to commit suicide then cutting wrists. I hate that! I don't want to mention it. Oh, I knew it before, but someone not so familiar with anatomy and who saw the program might not have considered it. It might have given someone who is suicidal a deadly idea. You've heard of copy cat murders? Well, I'm sure that there are copy cat suicides. Well, at least Meredith didn't point to the area.

Did you know that the suicide rate in the U.S. is twice as large as the homicide rate? (There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides to one completion.) It is hidden, a stigma is still attached. I mean, when is the last time you read the obits, and saw that someone committed suicide? It's all swept under the rug.

From Medline Plus

"Suicide is the eleventh most common cause of death in the United States. People may consider suicide when they are hopeless and can't see any other solution to their problems. Often it's related to serious depression, alcohol or substance abuse, or a major stressful event.

People who have the highest risk of suicide are white men, though women and teens report more suicide attempts. If someone talks about suicide, you should take it seriously. Urge them to get help from their doctor or the emergency room, or call 911.

Therapy and medicines can help most people who have suicidal thoughts. Treating mental illnesses and substance abuse can reduce the risk of suicide.

From National Institute of Mental Health"

National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

CDC Suicide Prevention Information.

More from Medline Plus on Suicide

Note: I want to thank Suzanne's family for being open about her suicide so that people can have a conversation, and possibly become more informed.

Immersed in Liquid

One of Liquid's last posts... 12-18-08

A thoughtful gift...

Here is a little

"Liquid"

gift for you each!

Think of me when you add a little more ice to your holiday drinks,

'cause I'm right there with ya'!

*chuckle*

If you haven't read my last post, please do before continuing.

When I found out about the death of LIQUID ILLUZION I cried like a baby all night. It was as if I had lost a family member, which seems odd to me because I've only known her a few months. Yet I can not deny, or refuse to deny, the impact that she has had on me. A bit of Liquid and her spirit has seeped into my soul.

I'm now doing something that I've never done before. I'm getting to know someone better after their death. I'm reading her blog, and listening to her Playlist, (which unfortunately has changed some recently.) I'm a spiritual person and believe in God, Angles, heaven etc. I believe that Liquid still exists as spirit, and is at peace now. I believe that I can get to know her better, and that our spirits can still touch when I read her blog & listen to her music. So I'm getting to know my friend better, and getting closer to her after her death. An odd thing to do, but I have a feeling that liquid understands and approves.

I won't tell you about her qualities, or explain her to you. If you want to get to know her better she is still around. Her blog is still here, and part of her is in her blog. I can tell you that I often laugh out loud while reading Liquid's blog, and that I feel closer to her already. Well, I have to go now. Read more of Liquid's blog. My friend is waiting...

NOTE: I'm not asking for prays for myself. I miss my new friend, but am doing fine and I am excited about getting to know her better. It just bothers me a great deal that I can't communicate with her in this life, but believe that I will in the afterlife. I will however, ask that you pray for her family especially her children, and close friends including Amias. Besides being a close friend to Liquid, Amias is also the co-administrator of her blog and now has to deal with the fall out.

Bo Ragon wrote an interesting post called "Christian View of Suicide".

To readers - I am aware that her name is Suzanne, but I knew/know her as Liquid and refer to her as such.

Grey's Anatomy: Lesbian Kiss, and Suicide

Grey's Anatomy - Lesbian Storyline


Did you see the Grey's Anatomy season final? If you didn't, don't worry, I won't revel a great deal here. Just my favorite, and lest favorite scenes.

My favorite scene was the kiss between Erica Hahn, and Callie Torres. (I'm predictable, ha?) I think Torres is hot!

My least favorite scene was between Meredith, and her shrink. Meredith had a revelation, and realized that when her mother cut her wrist it was to get attention. After all she was a "excellent surgical nurse", and would have cut her -----, if she meant it. (or similar words). I hate that scene for several reasons.

1) If someone tries to commit suicide they are not in a rational state of mind, and they might try to kill themselves by any means. It might not be the most logic means. It should be seen as a serious attempt, and not just an attention getter.

2) They mention a more effective way to commit suicide then cutting wrists. I hate that! I don't want to mention it. Oh, I knew it before, but someone not so familiar with anatomy and who saw the program might not have considered it. It might have given someone who is suicidal a deadly idea. You've heard of copy cat murders? Well, I'm sure that there are copy cat suicides. Well, at least Meredith didn't point to the area.

Did you know that the suicide rate in the U.S. is twice as large as the homicide rate? (There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides to one completion.) It is hidden, a stigma is still attached. I mean, when is the last time you read the obits, and saw that someone committed suicide? It's all swept under the rug.

Broken Toys

The older I get the more I see us as broken toys. God's broken toys. I guess this post might seem more cynical tonight, because it's not a good night for me.

I never use to notice the imperfections as much. Maybe when we are younger we don't have as many, or I was just naive and couldn't see them. Or maybe with time we acquired more. But we all seem to have chinks in our armor, addictions, hooks, faults. A Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön calls it Shenpa.

We all have things to overcome. Mental problems like anxiety, depression, paranoia. Addictions to sex, drugs, alcohol, food, anger. Knee jerk reactions like pulling back from others because we have experienced passed hurts/disappointments, and are afraid of a replay. I've become an expert at that. The list of addictions, and acquired problems goes on, and on.

The statistics are bleak, (addictions at least). The majority don't overcome. I'm not happy with that. I spoke to someone about therapy. I am finally telling some people how bad my last episode of depression was. I called a mental health center. Usually it takes months to get into see someone. When I told her about my last episode of depression, she said that she would put a rush on it. I heard back within 48 hours. I guess I really do need therapy.

I usually am not angry. But lately I've been angry that I have depression, and it's not going away on it's own. I'm angry because I am beginning to realize that it has screwed up my life more then I thought. Invaded many aspects of my life. I'm also scared. I'm scared that I might not get better.

So what do we say about these chinks in our armor? We could say a lot. Tonight I see it as making us more human. Our similar imperfections draws us together. Maybe that's what a big chunk of being on this third rock from the sun is about. Relating to each other. Learning from one another, supporting, caring, sharing. Just relating. If we were perfect maybe we wouldn't interact so much. Maybe life is not so much about the outcome of being healed of additions, and solving problems, as it is about the interactions. Touching each others lifes. The journey. But don't get me wrong, I want this depression to disappear. I sure hope this isn't as good as it gets. Maybe I should call Tom Cruise, and ask him to wave his Scientology wand over me and cure me? Hm, I wounder if Dr. Deb might have his number? Life's a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

YouTube - The Beatles - With a little help from my friends


Related Posts - Therapy and Me

Are You Gay OR Straight? (Part 1)

ETC - Electroconvulsive Therapy or Shock Treatments

Therapy - What Works?

Therapy - What Works?

As you might know, I am not fond of therapy. I have blogged about it. Also my cousin has seen some scary things. So I have my reservations concerning therapy.

Ever since my father's death I have had difficulty with anxiety, and depression. Well, the anxiety is nothing new, but the depression is circumstantial. It's been years since his death, and I'm not snapping out of it. My last bout with depression was very difficult. Possibly sever depression. I'm doing fairly good now, comparatively speaking. But I'm aware that I can plummet into depression soon again. In fact I might be going through something difficult soon, that might trigger the depression. I'm starting to think that I might need some therapy to snap me out of this cycle, even though I'm not crazy about the idea.

I want something effective. So do you know which therapy works? I'm sure that there have been some studies somewhere on it. And what medications work? I don't want to end up a gunny pig. Maybe I should avoid meds? So if you have some legitimate stats, or are a therapist, I would appreciate hearing from you. Please back up what your comment with evidence. Personal testimonies are good too. Thanks!

P.S. I don't know much about physiology, and don't know the terminology, so please keep this in mind when replying.

ETC - Electroconvulsive Therapy or Shock Treatments

This Video is an Overview of Electroconvulsve Therapy

The following story has been changed due to confidentiality. Names, situations, certain facts, etc. have been altered. This topic may not be appropriate for children.

My cousin Julie told me a story that scared the crap out of me. She is a C.N.A like me, and works at a psychiatric hospital. She hates it. This is her story...

Awake, you wouldn't believe what goes on there. I took care of a 17 year old girl name Diane. She was attractive, personable, a straight-A student. Her parents are well off, and her mother is a doctor. Diane wants to be an MD like her mother. She has been accepted into a prestigious college. She had everything going for her. Yet, she tried to committee suicide. Diane slit her wrists.That's why I was assigned to watch her.

They started giving her ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy). It uses to be called Electrical Shock Treatments, or Shock Treatments. They just made it better sounding, but it's still horrible! They anesthetize a patient, and shock them with an electrical current, causing a seizure. As a result some patients can have permanent long term, and short term memory loss. It's a modern day Lobotomy. Ok, maybe it's not as bad, but not that far off from it. It's archaic. And Doctors admit that they don't even know how it works!

She only had 2 treatments, and she couldn't even remember what she had for breakfast that morning. And they were scheduling her for 6-12 treatment! Can you believe it?

I've seen this before Awake. Sometimes the patients, (or victims), are better for a short while, but when they start to remember. All the problems come back full force. And some of them never act like themselves again. I believe it can do permanent damage.

I feel so sorry for that girl. I can't help but think that they just ruined her life. When she goes back to high school, she probably will have forgotten most of her studies. She might be delayed, maybe put back a grade. Who knows if she will still have the brain power to become an MD. That's her dream. She wants to be like her mother.

I can tell you so many stories. I have a friend. She had 3 kids, a good marriage. Then she had ECT treatments. Oh, my God! What a nightmare! She couldn't remember much for the longest time. Her kids were in a school play, and she forgot to take them to the performance. She had taken her clothes to a new cleaners. She couldn't remember the name of the cleaners, and didn't know what she did with the ticket. So she lost some clothes. She forgot many things like that. At first her depression was somewhat better. Then with all new problems concerning her memory, she quickly got worse. Her husband soon divorced her because she was a "burden". That was the word he used,"burden". Its years later, and she still has memory problems. And she just doesn't act right.

I could tell you more. But it's all the same. They lose their memory, so they temporarily forget their problems. The doctors say they are better. Then they get their memories back, (IF they are lucky), and back to the same point they were, or worse. Because their memory problems caused missed opportunities, loss of jobs, marriages problems, etc.

Also if you are suicidal and admit it, you can become a "ward of the state". In other words, your ass belongs to the state. They can lock you up. Give you experimental drugs, ECT, whatever they want to do to you. You have no choice! And you can't leave until the state says so!

Awake, you know that I have suffered from depression. Well, I will never tell any therapist how bad I am. When I first started therapy, my therapist asked me if I was suicidal. I lied. I said, "no". She actually said, "good"! Stupid therapist believed me! You would think that someone with a master degrees would be smarter. Truth is, I'm not good, not at all. Maybe I will tell her that I mildly suicidal, just to get some help. But no way will I tell her how bad off I am. There are some things worse then death!

So readers, what do you think? I would be interested in hearing your point of view, even if it is an opposing one. Also I have posted a Pole on this topic.

Feds slam Oregon State Hospital " Norton said...the electroshock therapy was painful, terrifying and "totally unnecessary."

BBC: Use of shock therapy restricted

Psychiatric treatment a human rights issue

The Cognitive Effects of Electroconvulsive Therapy in Community Settings

1st Person Project

Tampa News: Lobotomy: Proceeding Without Caution

PBS Documentary The American Experience: The Lobotomist(Transcript at bottom of page)

Related Posts: Therapy and Me
And: Are You Gay OR Straight? (Part 1)