The older I get the more I see us as broken toys. God's broken toys. I guess this post might seem more cynical tonight, because it's not a good night for me.
I never use to notice the imperfections as much. Maybe when we are younger we don't have as many, or I was just naive and couldn't see them. Or maybe with time we acquired more. But we all seem to have chinks in our armor, addictions, hooks, faults. A Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön calls it Shenpa.
We all have things to overcome. Mental problems like anxiety, depression, paranoia. Addictions to sex, drugs, alcohol, food, anger. Knee jerk reactions like pulling back from others because we have experienced passed hurts/disappointments, and are afraid of a replay. I've become an expert at that. The list of addictions, and acquired problems goes on, and on.
The statistics are bleak, (addictions at least). The majority don't overcome. I'm not happy with that. I spoke to someone about therapy. I am finally telling some people how bad my last episode of depression was. I called a mental health center. Usually it takes months to get into see someone. When I told her about my last episode of depression, she said that she would put a rush on it. I heard back within 48 hours. I guess I really do need therapy.
I usually am not angry. But lately I've been angry that I have depression, and it's not going away on it's own. I'm angry because I am beginning to realize that it has screwed up my life more then I thought. Invaded many aspects of my life. I'm also scared. I'm scared that I might not get better.
So what do we say about these chinks in our armor? We could say a lot. Tonight I see it as making us more human. Our similar imperfections draws us together. Maybe that's what a big chunk of being on this third rock from the sun is about. Relating to each other. Learning from one another, supporting, caring, sharing. Just relating. If we were perfect maybe we wouldn't interact so much. Maybe life is not so much about the outcome of being healed of additions, and solving problems, as it is about the interactions. Touching each others lifes. The journey. But don't get me wrong, I want this depression to disappear. I sure hope this isn't as good as it gets. Maybe I should call Tom Cruise, and ask him to wave his Scientology wand over me and cure me? Hm, I wounder if Dr. Deb might have his number? Life's a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
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