Sunday, July 5, 2009

Police Call is Resolved. How Depressed Am I?

Thank God! A family member paid my debt. He didn't tell me until days later. I guess he wanted to make sure that I applied at Social Services for assistance. I don't like getting a hand out from the government, (it will take 45 days before I receive anything).

So while I was terrified thinking that the cops might bust down my door because of a bounced check, (see previous post) I was trying to locate my carotid artery, and sharpening my knives. Gee, just how depressed am I!?

I keep forgetting how depressed I am until something happens to reveal it. Then I realize that I'm standing on top of a cliff with my toes hanging over the edge.

Why don't I see how depressed I am? Because it has become my normal state. I've been like this for so long that I don't even realize the degree of depression that I'm in.

This police incident just reminded me of how depressed I am. It's become a vicious cycle - depression & anxiety from the deaths of several family members --> less work --> less money & increased debt --> feelings of guilt, failure, self-hatred --> deeper depression & deeper anxiety.

The cycle goes on and on. I slowly sink deeper, and deeper without even realizing it. It's become a way of life until one day I realize that I'm standing on top of a cliff with my toes hanging over the edge. I just don't see it most of the time. I'm under the illusion that I'm coping well enough.

Note: Hyperbole was used in this post and not meant to be interpreted literally.

Related Post - The Police Called


Lady Banana said...

Oh dear, I hate to read of you being so very low and there is nothing I can do to help you.

If there was I'd do it..

I sincerely hope something improves for you soon but please please try to keep the feelings of self hatred down as all the sh*t that's happening is not your fault.

I wish you could get online more often so we could chat more.


Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. I don't realize I'm depressed until I start to stop being depressed and then I realize how detached from myself I was. I hope that things look up for you soon and that the assistance helps out.

Rebecca said...

I feel so at a loss for words this evening, but I wanted to let you know I think of you and pray for you.

meleah rebeccah said...

Im so sorry to hear this. Im glad a family member was able to help you out and get the police off your back, but I am VERY concerned with your depression. You know my email address and you know that I am always here for you if you want/need to talk.


Anonymous said...

I feel for your pain; I have lived like this too. I am hoping this has given you some relief. Blessings your way..

twofinches said...


When I lived in an abusive marriage I too got used to how I was feeling...walking on eggshells, watching every words, measuring my steps. It was only when I would be in the presence of a healthy loving couple that I would see the dysfunction. Most of the time I just thought that was how I was supposed to feel! When I finally broke free of that relationship it took awhile but I healed. The human spirit is amazing like that! Right now your circumstances are such that you have been feeling this depression and anxiety as a normal state. But "lean not on your own understanding" this day....fall into those "everlasting arms". You may be feeling self-hatred and despair, but God has not willed that for you. "Be still" this day, even in the midst of this wild prayers are with you.

Awake In Rochester said...

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm hanging in there. I'm very glad it isn't winter. Winter seems to make depression worse. I can't imagine being that down during winter time. That's one reason I think of moving sometime.

S'onnie said...

Depression is a very funny illness and it is an illness in my mind. Having had a terrible week I know that some of the "exagerated" feelings I had were the depression I sometimes get but it wasn't until I was sitting in a meeting room crying at work that I realised just how bad it was.

You are in my thoughts at this time and wishing I could do more.

As my friend always says "take time to do something nice for you each day and remember to show mercy to yourself"