Wednesday, December 10, 2008

It's December 10th SOB!

Dear Mom,

I knew the date, but the significance of it didn't hit me until tonight. My reaction was to say SOB out loud. And you know I don't swear much. You died today. How many years has it been? You died in 1981. I almost forgot. I almost made it though the day. But I didn't. I remembered. SOB! For a second a few memoirs of the night you died swept in, and I began to tear up. Another year has gone by without my mother, and best friend.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have changed if you were still in it. I probably would have gone on to more college. Would I have been open about my sexuality with you? Would I have suppressed it for a longer time? I don't know how my life would have changed, but I bet it would have changed mostly for the better.

Yes, it gets easier with time. Most days I don't even think of you. Then other days I really wish you were still here on earth. I've come to realize that I've suppressed some of the memoirs I've had of you. Subconsciously, I've taken some of the best memories and locked them deep in my mind. Somehow I know that. I would not be as sane as I am if I remembered you well, and knew that I'd never see you again on earth. Seems like a sick, cruel, joke. So I remember your 10 year fight with cancer. I remember several surgeries, several bouts of chemo, and radiation therapy. Told in the hospital room to be careful not to knock over the glass bottle and brake it because you just had part of your lung removed, and your lung would collapse if I got clumsy. I felt your venerability. I remember you walking with the quad-cane, then wheel chair, then bedridden with a catheter. Paralyzed from the waist down by that tumor on your spine. That last month that you could hardly eat a thing except for custard that the neighbor made. Refusing food. And that night that you died. And all through it, you tried to remain positive, enjoy your loved ones, believing God would heal you. I remember mostly the bad times because It would hurt to much to have a clear memory of the good times.

When you died a part of me died with you. I can't name the part of me that died, but it was something good, vital that is now gone. Maybe forever. So be it! Maybe in heaven it's not so easy for you to be without your only child. Maybe you needed that piece of me. That's fine! You keep it mom. When we are reunited it will all workout, and be clear.

Your loving daughter forever...

Coldplay 42

"Those who are dead are not dead They're just living my head"

Comments is now closed. I have to move on. Thank you for caring!


LadyBanana said...

This is a very touching post Awake.. I'm sorry to hear your Mum had to go through such a bad time before she died, and you also watching her deteriorate.

I can so fully understand your feelings though as I also have lost all my family (apart from my kids) and they all left me in different ways, I so know what you mean when you say most days you don't even think of them but some days you do and it will always be with a mix of sadness and happiness..

BTW I also LOVE Coldplay!

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi LadyBanana,

I'm sorry for your loss. It's difficult to lose family. I know that a lot of people have, but just thought I'd get it down in writing.

You LOVE Coldplay? I heard a song on TV tonight. One of those cop shows. They just played a small part - "Those who are dead are not dead They're just living my head" that's all. It spoke to my heart. So I wondered if it was a legit song, and goggled it which led me to Coldplay. I had never heard their music before.

Well, if you LOVE Coldplay then you should let me in on the songs you really like. E-mail please? ;o)

Vodka Mom said...

very, very touching. I lost my mother when I was 26. (Lost my dad when I was 19) Son of a Bitch is right.

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi Vodka Mom,

I'm sorry to hear that you lost both of your parents when you were young. I knew that some could relate to how I felt last night.

Giggle Pixie said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. What a beautifully written post this is, though!

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi Giggle Pixie,

Thank you!

I'd better post something light before I loose my strictly fun loving cyber buddies. lol

S'onnie said...

I am so so sorry for your loss.
There aren't really any words that someone can say to help with the heartache of losing someone you love so dearly. I hope in time the pain you feel doesn't hurt so much and you can look back and only remember the good times with your mother rather then last moments and the sickness.

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi S'onnie,


I doubt that my memory will change. It's a self defense type of thing. It's been the same for decades.

Babs (Beetle) said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost my mother to cancer when I was 37. It changed my life massively forever.
I believe that we are attached to our mothers by an invisible cord. When I lost her, I almost felt it break. I felt like I was aimlessly floating around and lost, for a long time.

I can now remember the happy times and smile. Time does that, and it will to you too.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Like the others ... I wish I had some words that could be of counsolation.
I too know what it is like to loose family.

I send a big hug from Hollydale

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi Babs (Beetle),

Sorry to hear of your difficulties.

I also think that there was a unique attachment.

I'm doing alright. It happened long ago. I was just having a bad night.

Thanks for your words of understanding.

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi Speedcat Hollydale,

Thanks Speedy! I'll have lighter posts soon, but it's just been a difficult week in a few ways.

Hug back at you! ;o)

Speedcat Hollydale said...


Drowsey Monkey said...

Ah sweetie ... hugs to you. That was a powerful post ... moving and personal and I thank you for sharing that with us, I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Your mom sounds like she was an amazingly strong woman. I bet her daughter has a lot of that inside her too.

I love the sentiment in your last paragraph where you say she needed that part of you and that you'll have it back when you're reunited. I bet that works both ways ... there's a piece of her in you. That connection is so important.

twofinches said...

This post truly moved is written beautifully, but more than that, it is written pretty ribbons or false bravado. My parents are both living but as Dad has altzeimers I feel as if I am slowly saying goodbye even though I can still hold him in my arms.Thank you for sharing this with us. The final paragraph is wonderful!

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi Santa Drowsey Monkey,

Thank you! That's a good point that had not occurred to me.

Thanks for the hug & back at you!

Awake In Rochester said...

Hi twofinche,

This post flowed easily because it came from my heart.

Alzheimer's is a nasty disease. May God give you and your family strength.